The late present

The stillness of the air made it feel as though she was suffocating. The southern summers were stifling, hot, heavy with humidity and almost always motionless unless there was a storm approaching. She reminded herself that it was just a panic attack and focused on her breathing. Her hand on her heart she forced her thoughts to follow the rise and fall of her chest.
The sun had just begun to set and was casting sideways shadows she swore were swaying as she sat looking out from her balcony. Fighting the urge to cry had created a knot in her throat that was working its way up and out. Despite all her efforts every other breath was broken by her scattered mind and aching heart. She knew she’d have to let the tears come and allow herself a moment to be weak and weary.
What she didn’t know was why her body seemed to still be fighting it so hard. If she could just get her breath right it would relax her enough to release all the angst. A call came through today adding another unexpected challenge after a year of hurdles. The stress was becoming overwhelming to her.

“I need to calm down and breathe, just breathe. You got this.” Self soothing was a strength she learned young and utilized to this day. "Things may not always work out how you planned but they always have a way of working out.”

The sunset had turned the sky a burnt orange color that clashed in contrast to the sea of green stretched out in front of her. There was a lovely city beneath it, hidden by the canopy of leaves. Only a handful of buildings stood taller than the trees in the city's center. The tips of which appeared to glow, reflecting the scolded sulfur color of the sunset. If not for those ember tinted tips emerging from the trees looking out from her apartment balcony you could swear her small neighborhood was sitting on the edge of the forest. She tried to let the serenity of the scene calm her senses and soothe her breathing.

After another few minutes of the fruitless fight she proceeded to go inside. Trinity was at work, an important meeting she couldn't get out of even for her wife's birthday in spite of her request weeks prior.

"Just bad luck" Ally told herself, "the opening is two days away, sometimes you can't help timing." More self soothing.
"At least we had the first half of the day and she'll be home for dinner. I just need to calm down." Damn that call she thought to herself, today had been so nice.

She thought of how quickly the calm would find her if she were in Trinity's arms. The only other time she felt so secure and safe was with her Grammy who passed when Ally was only 13.
This wasn't the first time in the last few days that she found herself thinking about Grammy. Their birthdays are only a week apart and their bond so strong Ally could still feel her Grammy in the atmosphere around her.
Anytime Ally felt ill or upset and Trinity wasn't around she would curl up in the old worn out afghan blanket her Grammy would wear like a shawl and watch Princess Bride. Once under the cover and watching their favorite movie Ally would swear she could feel her Grammy skooch behind her and rest her hand on her head.

"That's what I need. It will all be here tomorrow. I need to take care of myself now so I can take care of the rest later." She prepared her cocoon.

While setting up the movie she thought about how after all these years this was still her recenter and rejuvenate routine. The urge to have her Grammy know that, alongside the need to release all her angst led to the inspiration for her idea. While watching she would let it all out in a letter to her Grammy and then later burn it as a form of therapy. She quickly grabbed a pen and paper and began writing.

"Dear Grammy,
I miss you so much. It's my birthday today and you keep coming to mind. I'll be really honest with you, I'm such a mess right now. Part of me wishes you were here so I could come to you for advice, the other part is glad you aren't because I don't think you would be proud of where I am in life. I just keep thinking you'd be upset I didn't live up to my potential.
I feel pretty sure you'd be proud of who I am as a person just not where I am. I am a loving and faithful wife to the most beautiful woman in the world and I try to be the best parent I can to my son. I work hard and don't take anything for granted. There is nothing but love and good intentions in my heart, everyday I try to be the best person I can. My actions are all led by the desire to leave the world better than I found it.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to be this person I feel is my responsibility to be. Truthfully it causes me a lot of stress and unease when existing in the external world cuz it just isn't how life really is. And I know I have a lot of neurosis from my childhood and try so so very hard to be mindful and mitigate their effect on my emotions. But here lately it's all been adding up and in addition to some recent events in life financially and so forth I am feeling like I am holding on by a thread."

A tear hit the page and she knew the river was about to run.

"But every effort to pull it all back together I'm reminded of how absolutely clueless and lost I really am. It feels like most days I'm just flying by the seat of my pants trying to put out fires instead of building something for the future. Every day it seems like something new is thrown at me. I just want to be able to take a breath."

This was what she needed, an unapologetic avalanche of angst, an explosive evacuation of emotion. Tears were cascading down her cheeks, the tension fell off her shoulders like the ink flowing from the pen. She listed all her losses, she vented all her frustrations, and admitted all her inadequacies. As the letter went on it got a little less legible with every line. But with every wobbly word written Ally's heart got a little lighter.
At the end she couldn't help but apologize and ask for forgiveness for all the ways she wasn't enough and how she just spent three pages crying and complaining. She promised to push through and persevere.

"I love you and miss you everyday. Thank you for letting me get it all out. I feel a bit better."

After signing the bottom of the page she folded the pile of papers neatly into an envelope. She placed it lovingly on the nightstand beside her and let her heavy eyes close hoping she had enough time for a nap before Trinity got home.
The sleep was solid and sound, the rest was deep and substantial. She awoke easily to Trinity's gently shake.

"Babe. Wake up baby you got a package." Ally's eyes fluttered to focus in the direction of her wife's voice. "It was on the doorstep. Sit up babe let's see what it is."

Ally scooted up against the headboard of their bed and rubbed her sleepy eyes. The package was small, about the size of her palm and only an inch or two in thickness. It was wrapped in plain brown paper and tied with a simple string. Tucked under the string was a piece of parchment folded four times over. Her name was written perfectly in the prettiest penmanship. She slid it out from under the string and studied the script. A feeling of familiarity forced her to question the package's origin.

"Is this from you?" She turned towards Trinity.
"No babe it was sitting by the door when I got home just now." Trinity repositioned herself beside Ally on the bed eager with anticipation "Read it babe."

Ally unfolded the note. There was still something so familiar about the writing. As she began reading she started to realize why.

"There is no such thing as shelf life on potential. Every day you make me proud by how you stay courageous enough to continue to care. You are exactly who and where you should be. You are enough in every way possible, you always have been and always will be. Let go of your expectations of what it all should be and just experience what it all is. It's all a mess, a marvelous magical mess. Good and bad all blended together like brush strokes on the same canvas. Wear this bracelet and know that when you feel me there it's because I am, I love you.
Stay strong Sweetpea.
Grammy"

Ally's eyes immediately darted to the letter on her nightstand but it was gone. She turned back to the package and tore the paper away revealing a plain white jewelry box. Lifting the lid her heart could hardly stand what she saw. The magnetic copper bracelet her Grammy wore daily to help with her arthritis pain. The same one Ally would spend hours as a child spinning around her Grammy's wrist.
She picked it up and looked at it closely. 'How is this possible?' She thought to herself silently

"Are you ok babe?" There was deep concern in Trinity's voice. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's from my Grammy." She couldn't believe it as she was saying it. She folded the letter back neatly and placed it gently into the box and slid the bracelet on.