The Last Train

I struggle to open my eyes …but they remain closed…wanting to call out but I have no voice…I’m on a train…I recognize the movement...I’m floating…prone on a feather-soft bed…surrounded by white nothingness…no sound… no smells…only gentle movement of the train rushing through white fog back to the beginning…

My home… abandoned…the village… evacuated…people’s belongings packed… ready for transport.

Train box cars… more suited for animals than humans…mothers clinging to children…grim-faced...eyes full of fear…no men…no husbands...all arrested and taken away…final destination and fate unknown as the train rattles relentlessly northward to the tundra. Not my train…I shouldn’t be here…but my aunt…I see her...want to call out a greeting…but no sound comes forth.

White fog swirls around me…so many trains…too many…but none are mine…

Another train…Father tending to small stoves in each car...far from home…not enough pay…while we at home went hungry.

Others in the city starving because of the blockade… Mother in hospital…did she die like hundreds of thousands of others?

Nothingness surrounds me again…and then… Father with sister and I walking through swamp and forest to reach safety…food gone… sister leaving to trade clothing for bread in a nearby village.

Hiding in the forest…waiting for her…suddenly surrounded by soldiers…forcing us to leave with them…

“No”! I shouted… “We have to wait for Susu!” … they don’t understand…we’re rounded up with other evacuees.

Then the train…crowded boxcars… jostled by people with their bundles…their sole possessions…huge piles left behind at the station… milk churns, suitcases, sewing machines, samovars, bikes.

They’d been lied to… told they could bring along all their belongings as they voluntarily left their homes …betrayed and persecuted by their own country…not wanted by their country’s invaders either…mass transport to another country willing to take them in…just human baggage and collateral of war.

The train heading west…past forests, lakes, bogs and more forests…Father and I together. Where are they taking us? What happened to my sister?

Train slowing down…gasps of horror …is that a swastika? A prisoner of war camp…a Nazi extermination camp! The train slows but keeps moving …not our stop… but that of other wretches…victims of misfortune & war.

Train slows again and halts with a groan…we’re herded into old concrete army barracks… mattresses on the floor…but not enough…some sleep outside on cold autumn nights…watery soup & bread once a day...hunger, dampness and cold…sickness spreading…typhus, typhoid.

The trains keep coming depositing more human cargo…tired…hungry…diseased.

Another train... another destination…to disinfecting & delousing stations, bathing in steamy rooms, given clean clothing, inoculations…volunteers feeding us hot soup and porridge.

Finally, a train to the harbour…boarding ships…crossing the sea… to refuge and freedom.

White nothingness overcomes me again…

A military train…men in uniform…the war is over…but I can’t stay…need to go back...need to find my sister… tell Father I’m going to America…board a train for the east instead…cross the border to my former country… trudge though thick forest where no one can see me and reach my deserted village area.

On parallel track with mine…another train…released POW enemy soldiers…heading east…forcibly sent back to the country whose leader they fear…but not all…train slows…allowing men to jump off …and then speeds up carrying rest to an uncertain fate…considered traitors for having been captured and imprisoned…destined for work camps or mass executions.

Time passes … trains ebb and flow…I have a wife…I have a son…no news of my sister or mother… father died in the refuge country I left.

Trains carry me back and forth to work in the city…homeward bound when thugs approach…rough hands grab me...force me outside to the open platform between cars…” Wait, no, stop!” …shove me off …and I lie broken beside the cold, hard tracks... as the train roars past.

I struggle to open my eyes, but they remain closed…wanting to call out but I have no voice…fog closes in... wrapping around me gently...as my train carries me forward.

My life’s trains coalesce into this… my last train…speeding through the ether…carrying me into the great void… I’m floating…free from chaos…free from pain...on the train to oblivion...while my body lies broken, abandoned beside the tracks.

(Based on the true story of my uncle's death.)

New research is revealing what happens in the brain during our final moments of life... For roughly 30 seconds before and after the man's heart stopped beating, the scans showed increased activity in parts of the brain associated with memory recall, meditation, and dreaming. Scientists say they were particularly intrigued by the presence of gamma waves, which suggest the man’s brain may have been replaying memories from throughout his life. And the patient's brain activity didn’t immediately stop when he was declared dead…leading some to speculate that memory recall could be a universal experience of dying mammals. Although our loved ones have their eyes closed… their brains may be replaying…moments they experienced in their lives.”

(Smithsonian Magazine February 28, 2022)