The Kiss

There was an ache inside of me. . . I was touch starved, and I didn’t want to admit it. There were apps and places you could go for that sort of thing, but I wasn’t looking for sex and I felt weird about paying someone to touch me. A need to connect with other people makes me realize I have no deep connections. I’ve had few real friends over my lifetime and we have cut the ties that bind us. Some strings I cut myself and some I watched being cut by others after I handed them the scissors. What I have left are the severed ends of red strings that were once attached to my heart. These other attachments that I have. . . I’ve followed their trails for decades and still have yet to discover what they’re connected to. Maybe I’m incapable of being loved, or perhaps people see something inside me that turns them off. Whatever the reason, I fuck all of my relationships up and I’m over here so lonely, I’m feeling on myself. That’s when ‘he’ ran across my mind. I’ll call him Mister. Mister and I haven’t seen each other in over a decade and I can’t remember the time before this that he came across my mind. Things between us always seemed unresolved. . . my mind settles on him for a few moments and then I swipe left on all the subsequent memories, trying to ruin a delicate moment. No sooner than I’d moved on in thought, did he appear on my phone? . . I changed his name in my contacts to “NO!!!” my warning meant nothing to whomever was answering my phone; using my voice talking all smooth and sexy and grinning across my face. I get on my damn nerves. . . Thirty minutes later, I’m running around my house. Cleaning up and hopping in the shower because Mister is coming over! Singing to the music I put on to set the mood adds to being excited that Mister is coming over. I also want to break down and cry. Hopefully, he hugs me when I see him. I can’t wait to feel his embrace and smell his smell.

“Calm the fuck down…why are you acting so thirsty?”

“Because I am! It’s a desert out here! ” 

My internal monologue has become a back and forth with my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Now, I have to wrangle my personalities before Mister gets here.

Everyone was reintegrated by the time I’d finished moisturizing and brushing my beard. One last look around my place allows me to make sure that things are presentable and that it smells nice. I’ve placed a few of those scented plugins around the house. A peek out of the window to see if Mister is arriving finds him peeking back at me. We burst out laughing and he walks straight into my arms when I open the door. Mister,. . . god I missed this! His strong, wide hands around my thick frame. Pulling me into the warm firmness that was his bearish body. A hint of sweat mixed with the sweetness of his body wash and cologne. I loved the way his beard scruff brushed past my cheek when he tucked his head in my shoulder and lifts my hefty 270 pounds straight up into the air. 

“You’re going to hurt your back picking me up like that.” 

I warned him. 

“You’ll never be too heavy for me to hug you off the ground.” 

He says, brandishing that smile only he can smile as I shut the door behind us. I invite him to sit on the couch beside me and I pour two glasses of wine.

“I still drink this one… you introduced me to it.” I say.

He’s looking at me strangely and that sends ripples of what if cascading into infinite possibilities to what his facial expression means…

“What’s that look for?” I ask him.

“I’m surprised you answered when I called. Why did you invite me over?”

Why did I invite him over? I pause at the start of a sentence, mouth gaped and eyes blinking. I didn’t know how to say what I felt. He just kept staring at me with that look and I kept not saying anything. A funnel cloud of panic swirled in my gut, then Mister put a hand on my knee and leaned in close. He takes my jaw in his hand, turning my face square with his. Singing to me in a gentle, deep voice, he says

“I don’t know why I’m here… But, I’m glad you answered your phone.”

The relief he gave me came as an unintentional heavy sigh. The intensity of his stare while smiling that damn smile traps me in his gravity. My heart is beating fast with the slow heaving of my chest. I didn’t notice the space closing between us until a beautiful crash of eyelashes, beards, and lips occurs. There’s a slight tilting of our heads as we go back a second time. The heat from his nostrils and mouth burn my lips in a way that makes me crave it. Sudden shivers enhanced the sensation that kissing him makes me feel like I’m changing. My body hasn’t felt like this ever! I’m split between these new sensations. I’ve kissed Mister before, but not like this. A tear escapes and Mister cups my face and asks me if I’m okay. 

“You just feel so good. . . you make me feel so good.”

Every time our lips meet, the emptiness inside me disappears. From my toes all the way to my brain. That space I hide deep inside me is full. I’m swimming, I’m so full. A wordless conversation of bass and baritone moans and sliding of hands over firm clothed bodies. We missed each other. He pulled me closer to whisper it in my ear. I twirled my index finger in the curl at the nape of his neck. He hugs me close to him, just how I like, making me feel greedy and flesh hungry. All I want is to consume him; to drink his essence and keep him with me always. I hold him away from me but close enough to still feel his heat. My eyes are closed, I’m breathing hard, and my head is heavy. I raise my eyes to meet his gaze, but he’s not there… Panic screams from inside my brain as I get up from the couch and close the door that’s been hanging open. I don’t know how long for. A quick check of my call log tells me the last incoming call was yesterday. Confused, frantic, and devastated, the ache returns. I look around my empty house. The aroma of a scented plug-in wafts across my nostrils and I snatch the offending appliance from the wall’s electrical socket. Not knowing what else to do, I take myself to bed and cry myself to sleep.