The jar

When I was a young girl, I was lonely a lot. Even though I had 4 siblings and a mountain of cousins, I never really felt like I belonged. I was taunted and teased for all the things I was not and some of the things I was. They said I was too fat, or my arms looked funny. This resulted in pulling myself inward. Making myself small and trying my hardest not to be noticed.

Mom and Dad barely noticed that I existed unless I was in the way of something they were trying to do. My siblings got new clothes and toys but I had to use the hand-me-downs from my older cousins, male or female, whatever would fit. My curly hair constantly wild and free, framing my face. I used it as an outlet, I would earn money by doing odd jobs for the neighbors and buy the supplies. It's currently midnight violet, the perfect shade to bring out my bright blue eyes. The purple, deep and dark, represented the hole I felt inside. The hole that I just could not fill despite my best efforts. I tried to tell Mom that I was sad a lot and would describe the emptiness I felt inside, she would say, "you don't have shit to be sad about! Try taking care of 5 children and a house, then you can be sad." I don't blame my parents for the way they treat me. They do what they can. I can barely tolerate being around myself, I couldn't imagine being the constant reminder of that night in the ally. The night I was created. The burden shoved on a 14 year old who's religious family forced her to not only carry, but then care for. A shudder went up my spine as I tried to get rid of the thought. And then I felt even worse. Unless I was in my head, I was so sad. I did a pretty good job of putting on a mask for the world. Knowing how to respond in social situations without giving any of myself for fear of being rejected. I know how to be alone, and I deserve to be alone.

I spent a lot of time in the woods. My imagination could run as wild as my hair. I could be the princess, or the queen. I could order, "Off with their heads!" And giggle as the dummy I made from sticks and leaves lost his 'head.' This was as close to happiness as I had ever gotten. Maybe I should just be alone? It seems to be the only time when I feel even a tiny bit of happiness. But that's silly, there's no way to live your life alone. And it would be so boring!

One day while walking down a path trying to find something to do I spotted a jar. It was an unusual jar, the glass was dark like the night sky but there was an obvious light coming from the jar. I sat staring, I didn't know what to do. Do I pick it up? Do I leave it there? I wasn't sure but then I heard it; nothing above a whisper...

"Look inside. There's happiness in there."

I looked around confused. Did I really hear that? I strained to see around me, searching each and every inch for something, anything that could have spoken. But there was nothing. There was absolutely nothing... No birds, no rustling, no wind blowing even. It was as if time had just stopped. My eyes fell back to the jar. The soft glow was pulsing. I stretched out my hand, my fingers quivering as they came closer to touching it.

"Just look inside, I promise there will be happiness."

As I made contact with the jar, I felt a sharp pain in my head and everything went dark.

I opened my eyes and struggled to understand what was happening around me. I was still in the dirt, but I couldn't find the jar. Disappointed, I turned to head home. Surly my parents were looking for me by now.

Everything seemed different but not different. It was like looking at the world but not being in the world. I continued looking around and wandering back home.

I quietly went inside, then went straight up to my room to change out of my dirt filled clothes. With clean clothes, I went to wash my face and hands before dinner. Continuing with my usual home routine, I sat at the table. But I was alone? Where is mom? My siblings? But looking at the feast before me and feeling the growl of my stomach, I decided I should just eat and then go look for my family.

After clearing my plate twice, I took my used dishes to the sink and rinsed them. It was still eerily quiet. There was no chatter, no TV noise, no radio and I don't think I heard a passing car at all since I came home... Odd.

"Mom?" I called out as I wandered through the house. "Dad?" Silence. I looked through the whole house. I don't think they would have made such a big meal and just left it there, would they?

I don't know how long I've been searching, but I am kind of bored of it and they will turn up eventually, right? Maybe they did leave and just didn't leave a note or anything. Back to my room I go, I pulled out my laptop and it wouldn't turn on? Weird. I tried to connect it to the charger but it still wouldn't turn on. My cell phone was dead as well, I tried to charge it with no success again. I grabbed a book from the shelf after putting my electronics away in frustration and started to read.

I don't know how much time has passed but it's at least midnight. It's pitch black outside, the stars shining brightly above me. And look, a full moon! My family still hasn't come home. I was lost in my thoughts. "Should I search for them again?" I said aloud and startled myself. The oddest thing though, I don't hear my heart beating in my ears as I normally do when I'm startled? Then I heard the whisper again.

"Don't be scared. I told you it was happiness in the jar."

"What do you mean?" I ask the voice.

"Isn't this what your happiness would be? A world where you'd be alone and have nobody to make you feel like you need to be small and closed off. A world where you can run and play, where you won't be reminded of the sins that were no fault of yours. Isn't this what you wanted? To be wild and free, like your hair?"

I stood there, unsure what to say.. What to think.. What to even feel? Has someone been watching me? Following me? But I've never said those words aloud. I'd never dare to say something like that to anyone. "But where is everyone?" I asked quietly. The voice replied in a raspy and forceful, "If this isn't what you wanted, why did you touch the jar? This is happiness, this is YOUR happiness. Stupid girl, I have done all of this for you!"

This made me take a step back, frantically looking around for the source of these words. "But why? Why for me? I'm nobody."

Now the voice was louder, it sounded angry. "You brat! I have been watching you. I see the way you're treated and I knew I could give you happiness and you won't even try to enjoy it! Fine! Soak in your misery here all alone for eternity!" The words felt like a punch to the gut. That’s when I decided to run.

I ran. I ran as far and as fast as I could.

I found the path I was on earlier that day. It was dark and nothing looked familiar. The stars seemed so dull, the full moon shone bright creating shadows that seemed to follow me. Then I heard some soft howling. Dogs? I stopped and waited. I could still hear the soft howling and maybe people? I walked further down the path. And there it was.. That soft pulsing glow.

As I came closer, I felt a chill. I could hear a soft sobbing, it sounded odd. Like someone I'd never heard before.

The figure grew larger as I came closer to it. "Hello?" I said, barely in a whisper. The thing stood. It towered well above me, draped in long black rags. The eyes peering out from the rags were a bright blue color... Just... Just like mine? Was this the monster that was a part of my creation? Is this why my own mother looked at me with such disgust and hatred? Was this my... Father? Then my gaze fell to the ground behind the creature. It hissed loudly and shoved passed me running down the path. I still wasn't sure what I was looking at on the ground.

Was that me? I inched closer. I couldn't believe what I saw. There I was, my head turned 180 degrees and my eye sockets hollow. Am I dreaming? Is this real? Panicking I called out, "Hello? Hello?!" I could still faintly hear the sounds of dogs and people. Investigators maybe? "Am I dead?" I asked more to myself than anyone else.

Then I heard a whisper.

"Yes. But there's happiness in here."