The Ice King

The cabin in the woods had been abandoned for years, but one night, a candle burned in the window. I sat around my classmates, one a friend and the others in between. I had never been a fan of sitting around and drinking, granted, I also wasn’t the biggest fan of poetry and I had been doing that for two days in a row. 

“That smell,” I thought as the candle burned faintly. The candle wouldn’t help at all if they just kept taking hits. That didn’t bother me as much as them pushing beer can after beer can on me. I didn’t want any, but they insisted, and I had to keep from coming across as lame. "Have a sip," Lenny kept pushing the beer on me. I didn't want it. I didn't want an entire beer can or even a sip. I hated beer. I hated beer for the past two years since my father died and I would hate beer forever. "I'm ok," I answered, again seeming like the loser. There wasn’t anything that Lenny could have said that would have changed my mind.

“I didn’t realize you were so straight-edge,” Lenny said as she took another sip and then turned to Jill; it was her turn. “Never have I ever,” she said, stopping to think for a second. I could see how she would have to think on that one. She had done so much. Everyone sat, shot glass or beer can in front of them, Lenny hadn’t put her can down since the game began. Lenny had this thing about her where she would hang onto objects for a long time. She did it in school with her pencil, or every time she teased us with a cold brew coffee during recess, or whenever she would go into one of her rants and randomly grabbed one of our hands. She was a grabber.

“Never have I ever…eaten Tofu,” Jill said as she took her shot. “No, but you sure love fish,” said Lenny as Jill passed the can down to Miguel. An out and proud lesbian, Jill laughed off Lenny’s joke despite it being in the ugliest taste. Granted, Lenny had no taste and her choice in beer reflected that. I remembered the taste of that beer from the one time I had tasted. Pungent and it smelled like piss, just like Lenny half the time.

“Never have I ever been sober,” Miguel said as he took his shot. His answer was the most honest and on the nose during that game. We knew this was absolutely true. At the age of eighteen, Miguel had tried every drug kids our age could get their hands on and probably some he hadn’t cared to mention. If only he could take his shot with Lenny; if only Lenny wasn’t in love with Jill. If only Jill wasn’t in love with someone back home. If only love hadn’t been so messy for already messy teenagers on a writer’s retreat to the mountains during Spring awakening.

“Mateo…” Jill waved her hand in my face. It was my turn; I was known to space-out often and Jill wasn’t the only one to wave her hand in my face. I was also known as ‘Matt,’ but Jill loved getting a rise out of everyone, especially me because in her words, “It was too easy.” Jill did wish she didn’t get a rise out of Miguel, because as subtle as he thought he was being in his affections—he wasn’t. “Matt!” I said laughingly as I grabbed the shot glass and poured Diet Coke into it. “Never have I ever…” I had already gone three rounds and they already knew I hadn’t left the country, been arrested, and didn’t know how to swim. None of these were exciting details and I wasn’t a good liar. “Had sex!” yelled Miguel as I sat with the shot glass in hand, slightly trembling. “With a woman…” Jill mumbled low enough for no one else but me and her to hear. I could only think to myself, “Did she know?” Followed by, “How much did she know!” My hand started shaking uncontrollably. “Never have I ever enjoyed this game,” I said and took my shot. I proceeded to stand up.

“I’m going back to my cabin,” I said as I left my so-called-friends and a game I had tolerated for an hour-too-long. “Don’t lock me out again,” yelled Miguel as I was halfway out the door. “The cold would fix your problem,” I said, alluding to his predicament as he sat next to Lenny. Not that I believed anything would help his problem aside from actually finding someone else to fall for. Someone he had a real chance with. Miguel gave me the middle-finger as I walked out and headed back to my cabin. I was almost sprinting. I hated the cold, the feeling of it on my skin. I had always been cold-blooded, or at least that was the joke my sister said when our dog “Nina” died. I didn’t cry. It was the weirdest thing. I had issues with crying. I couldn’t cry on the spot, which is why my high school acting career never went past ensemble characters. I couldn’t cry in most tough situations, kind of like when the one crazy homeless guy on the bus punched me in the back of my head because he didn’t like the “sound of my voice.” And I couldn’t even cry when Jesse said to me “I don’t know if we’ll see each other after this, it is what it is.” 

It was an infernally long walk to my cabin; it was all the way to the other side of retreat. I could feel the snow seeping through my socks, I could feel the discomfort of the wet, freezing mushiness. I could feel the cold seeping through my socks and down to my toes and making its way home. The cold was not welcomed by my body.

I walked for almost ten minutes, my toes almost numb, and then, I stopped. I stopped in front of his cabin. I couldn’t help myself. I stopped just like the night before, except this time he wasn’t by my side during the walk and he didn’t welcome me in. I stood for almost an entire minute before starting to make my way again because the breeze was making its presence known. I couldn’t stand anymore cold. I walked and walked until I reached my cabin. My hands were freezing as I grabbed the door knob to enter; I knew it was unlocked. I hated that habit of Miguel’s. I had told him a million times to lock the door. I hated unlocked doors. I had seen too many home invasions movies with my mother as a child; I knew what happened to overly-trusting people who didn’t lock their doors. I walked in and it was dark. I could never understand how Miguel could so easily forget to lock his door but remembered to turn off every single light in the cabin. Miguel was both so forgetful and eidetic that I could never truly figure out how his brain-worked. Not that I was that interested to. I walked in and tried to make me way through the dark, I had already fallen in that cabin once in the dark and it hurt, even if it was somewhat romantic. I walked slowly, very slowly. I could barely see, but I could still smell him like the night before. I started touching the wall until I felt the light switch a few seconds later.

“Jesus!” I said as I saw him standing in front of me, smiling. His wavy, brown hair falling down to the right side of his face, his smile concealing his slightly crooked teeth. He was dressed in a flannel and white tank-top, wore his torn jeans complimented by these heavy grey boots. “Only my mother calls me that—in Spanish,” he said facetiously, referencing his Mexican mother whose English consisted of about fifteen words, according to Jesse. “Do you usually just stand like a creep in the dark?” I asked. I wasn’t freaked out, though maybe I should have been considering I had only known him three days and two nights. “Yes, always,” he answered with a new smile on his face. I had never seen him smile before, not even when we were in bed. Granted, beds in cabins in the woods tend to squeak loudly and when you’re trying to have sex silently for the first time, smiling is an afterthought. 

“I didn’t see you during dinner,” I said after a few seconds of silence. I immediately regretted asking that; I didn’t want Jesse thinking I was obsessive. But I was. I was obsessed with him. “I wasn’t very hungry, those cookies from earlier filled me up.” Jesse said as he moved closer to the couch and took a seat. I stood there and wondered what the right move should be, if I should get closer to him at all. I wondered what had changed. Something felt different; everything felt different. I didn’t want it too. I liked the way it felt before. But it wouldn’t ever feel the same after those words, “I don’t know if we’ll see each other after this trip, it is what it is.” After a few more seconds, I walked up to him and took a seat. I didn’t say anything as much as I wanted to. I couldn’t find the words. A writer couldn’t find the words for the man he had so quickly fallen for and given every part of himself to. I put my hand on his knee. I didn’t know what else to do. Jesse turned to look at me, and smiled. But I couldn’t smile back. “I can’t believe we go back tomorrow,” I said, pointing out the inevitable. Jesse didn’t stop smiling. He put his hand on my knee; smiling. I hated that he did that--smiled but couldn’t lean in and give me what I wanted—a kiss. But maybe that’s because Jesse didn’t want it. Maybe he never wanted ‘the kiss. “Sucks,” he said, and then removed his hand and stood up. “Is my boom box here?” Jesse finally asked his superficial question. A superficial request. He was full of superficiality.

“You left it back at Lenny’s cabin,” I answered, he turned to look at me, perplexed. “Lenny?” His question made me reiterate how we were such strangers to the other’s world. “The curly brunette with the thick glasses, MCR hoodie during lunch…” I answered. A light bulb still didn’t go off in Jesse’s head. In his defense, Lenny was excellent at going unnoticed most of the time. Even teachers sometimes had to call out her name and have her raise her hand for them to put a face to her A-material essays. “Can we go get it…” Jesse asked, looking down at me. His smile was still there, but it didn’t really serve a purpose aside from making me depressed. I stood up and started making my way to the door, Jesse’s footsteps following me out and back into the cold.

It took almost ten minutes for us to get back to the cabin. Everyone was still seated, Jill was a sloppy mess, her arms up in the air as she laughed. Lenny did another shot. Miguel was just observing Jill though he would never be able to have her. And there were the others, Cara and Enzo. No one took notice of me and Jesse entering. “Mind if we join?” I asked them as they finally turned to look at us. I quickly regretted that when I saw the look of horror come across Jesse’s face. I wasn’t planning on outing him. “Take my place, I need some fresh air,” Miguel said as he stood up and walked to the door, a defeated look on his face. We both shared the same expression. 

“You want to play?” I turned to Jesse, who had been looking at the door the whole time. “Jesse…” I asked again. His stare was fixed. What was he looking at? I thought to myself as he just looked, unaffected by the noise going on only a few feet away from us. It was as if Jesse was frozen in time. “Jesse…” I repeated his name once more, this time mustering the courage to touch his shoulder.” I had only touched him with one finger when he immediately snapped his head to look at me and with the calmest expression answered, “Let’s play.”

We played for about fifteen minutes. It was two rounds of “Never Have I Ever.” All our responses were getting less and less controversial. Then came Miguel’s turn, who rejoined the game after returning from his break for fresh air. “Never have I ever,” Miguel whispered to himself as he held the shot glass and looked at the table and all the empty plastic party cups and bottle of Sky Vodka. “Never have I ever,” he repeated himself. Debating. He had run out of lies. He had run out of lies to seem cool. “Never have I ever…had a good time playing this stupid game,” Miguel said as he downed the shot and made his way outside. He was determined to not play stupid games anymore. If only I had his courage. “Can we get my boom box, I’m getting kind of tired,” said Jesse, a genuine look of tiredness coming over his face. “Sure,” I said as I stood up and headed with him up to my room. But I stopped suddenly. It was the silence. An utter silence took over the space. Utter silence.

“Um….your boom box…” Lenny finally interrupted the silence, wobbling up on her feet with a look of dread. Jill, Cara, and Enzo just looked down at the table. A knot suddenly formed in my stomach. “That was your boom box, Jesse?” asked Lenny, her eyes filled with uneasiness. Jesse just nodded his head, his eyes tired. He was unsuspecting to the words about to come out of Lenny’s mouth next.

“Here’s the thing…we accidentally broke it…” Lenny made the confession, her eyes seeming a little less uneasy. Just a little. “You what…” Jesse spoke with a loudness I had never heard in the three days of knowing him. Silence took over once again. The stomach knot warned me that ugliness was coming. “It wasn’t on purpose—“ Lenny started before Jesse cut her off with, “Of course it wasn’t on purpose, you idiots. Why would you even touch it? It wasn’t yours! I can’t believe you would touch something that wasn’t yours!” Jesse was angry and loud and his every word hit with a coldness that rivaled the outside temperature.

“We just wanted to borrow it to play some music mid-game and it slipped out of Miguel’s hands and…” Miguel’s abrupt disappearance made all the sense in the world. “We thought it was yours, Matt, we were going to tell you after the game…” Jesse wasn’t going to let Lenny get a valid pacification no matter how hard she tried. “My father bought me that you stupid bitch! “No need for name-calling, buddy!” Jill interjected after almost two minutes of guilty silence, though she really had nothing to feel guilty about herself. “I’m not talking to you!” Jesse responded, his eyes burning with anger. I was speechless. Frozen.

“Jesse…” I finally found the ability to speak again “What?” Jesse loudly responded as he snapped his neck to look at me. The veins were popping down from his back to his clenched knuckles. “I’ll buy you a new one,” I said, ready to take the heat for all of my friends. Jesse just looked at me with persistent anger. “With what money, Matt!” he yelled after a few seconds of silence aside from his heavy breathing. My name had never sounded so hideous coming out someone’s mouth. He turned to look at my friends one more time; some were flabbergasted, some offended and Jill was a combination of both. While I was willing to take the heat for my friends, she was ready to fight for them. Jesse turned to look at the exit and marched out quicker than I had ever seen him leave a room during that three-day trip.

“Jesse!” I yelled after him. He was walking straight back towards his cabin, the snow starting to creep back into his socks. “Jesse!” I yelled out once more, wanting him to turn back my way. I just wanted him to stop and look at me, maybe one look into each other’s eyes could diffuse the ugliness. “Jesse!” I yelled out one last time before grabbing his shoulder. He snapped back, his whole body, and pushed me. “I don’t want you!” he said as he looked down at me, my back touching the snow’s coldness. But a greater coldness made its way into my heart. Jesse was relentless, ice-cold. He introduced me to The Ice King. “Leave me alone!” the Ice King spoke his last words to me as he stormed back towards his cabin. He left me in the cold and disappeared into his frigid heaven. What more could I do but lay there, as much as I wanted to chase him. I laid there and suddenly the coldness wasn’t the ugliest feeling in the world. The ugliest feeling would stay with me long after I departed that snowy, icy retreat.

It took me almost five minutes to get back on my feet and start making my way back to the cabin. I stopped at the entrance. Miguel was standing there, hands in his pockets. So nonchalant. So unaffected. So untouched. “What the…” Miguel said as I ran up to him and grabbed him by his shoulders. It was a cold and uncontrollable impulse. “Let go of me!” Miguel demanded as he started jerking. That jerk had no idea what he had done to me in his drunken sloppiness. “Why are you so messy!” I yelled in his face before finally letting him go and going back in the cabin. Everyone was on the floor, Jill was passed out, Cara and Enzo were too, with Enzo’s hand on Cara chest, feeling up on it in his drunk stupor. Lenny was looking at her empty shot glass; it was full with something. I wasn’t sure if it was liquor or liquid regret. “Sorry…” she finally said after a few seconds of nothing but silence slightly interrupted by Cara’s snoring. “I’m sorry, too,” I said as I remembered the horror that had come across Lenny’s face when Jesse had his meltdown. Then, in the snap of a second, just like Jesse’s neck and body had in that same cabin only minutes-prior, the horror returned to my friend’s face. I was about to turn, but I didn’t even get the chance as a weight suddenly came over me. It was the second-heaviest weight of my life.

“Ah!!!!!” I heard Lenny’s raspy voice scream aloud. Cara moved a little along with Enzo’s as his hand went from one end of her chest to the next. Jill opened her eyes slowly and moaned lowly. It took yet another raspy shriek from Lenny to wake her up. “What the…” Jill said as she rose her head, only for her eyes to fully open in a split-second, followed by her own, high-pitched scream. All I could feel was the weight on top of me. After another second of frozen inaction, I proceeded to move the weight off. It was then that I came face-to-face with the most horrific sight my friends had ever seen in their young, teenage lives. There was a knife to his neck, his bronzed skin taking a purplish tinge as the cold of the night and his own blood fused. His eyes were rolled behind in their sockets. His body convulsing subtly, then stopping altogether, unlike the slow, trickling blood. Miguel was dead.

I didn’t think twice. I pushed him off and got on my feet. I ran out of that cabin and started heading towards another. I ran out and kept running towards his cabin. I had to make sure Jess was ok. I had to make sure Jesse was alive. I ran and ran and ran in the snow, my feet getting colder and mushier as I went. I needed to reach him. I needed to make sure that even though I would never see him again after that weekend, the possibility of seeing him again remained. Someday.

After a ten-minute sprint through the icy inferno, I finally reached his cabin. I walked in. It was dark. It was always dark in that cabin. “Jesse,” I called out. I stood by the door waiting. I walked in cautiously. It was dark and the silence was deafening. “Jesse,” I called out after a few more steps inside. I walked another few steps before stopping, the deafening silence was no longer alone. I hesitated to turn around, I could feel the breath, it was low and foreign. It wasn’t Jesse.

I was frozen, more than anything in the safety of the outdoors. “How could you?” I heard his unknown voice whisper behind me, a foreign voice. I started turning; an impulse. An impulse to see what I couldn’t see. I turned and didn’t say a word. The words caught in my throat. Nothing could come out. Not a single word. My hand started moving up unexpectedly, to touch his unseen face. I moved my hand up and up until it touched his face, which was way above where my head ended. I touched his cheeks, they were rough. I touched his nose, it had an indentation of something once broken, and then I touched his wavy, messy hair. There was an ugly beauty to him.

“How could you?” he repeated again. I stood still. “How could you, Matt,” he said, his breath traveling up my nostrils. His hands started traveling up my neck, feeling it with their roughness. Those thick fingers, that stopped. He stopped. Suddenly, I wasn’t afraid. “Matt!” I heard the voice, a recognizable one this time. I could see his face standing from the doorway; his rigged nose, his bedhead hair, his brown eyes, expressive and cold. “Matt!” he called out one more time I did the same. “Jesse!” All that stood between us reuniting was The Body. Jesse lunged. The body moved to the side as they both fell to the ground. I was frozen. All I heard was struggling because I could no longer see Jesse’s face, either. The Ice King was battling The Body and I was unable to thaw myself to help. I stood, too frozen to barely breathe. I could hear their breathing, alternating breaths. I could hear their bodies moving, I could hear their war. Their struggle to end each other. I only stood frozen. Waiting to see the Ice King meet his demise. Then the idea returned to me: losing him. The most hideous idea served as the warmth needed to thaw my body. I grabbed the closest thing to me—Jesse’s broken boom box—and I threw it over the body’s back. He continued to beat Jesse over the ground, but then he stopped and slowly laid on top of Jesse’s body the way Miguel had done over mine. Completely thawed, I made my way over to Jesse to offer him a hand as he slowly slipped from under the body and onto his feet. We stood frozen, looking down at the body before making our escape.

We moved and moved, the snow seeping into our shoes and mixing with the already melted one. We moved and moved without direction, we moved and moved and finally stopped minutes later. In the middle of the icy snow. The Ice King looked at me, touched my face with his frigid fingers, and asked, “Are you ok?” I didn’t know what to say. Once again, I was speechless. How could Jesse be fire and cold all at once. He wanted me out of his life and it seemed his own life relied on my existence. “Miguel is dead,” was the first thing that came to mind.

“I know that,” Jesse said. I froze. He always had that power over me. The Ice King could make me freeze with just a few words from his cold lips. But…I had to back up. Something became clear even as the snowy air kept trickling down on our faces. “Why did you come back to the cabin…” I asked as he stood looking at me, the cold no longer the biggest threat. “I…” Jesse just looked at me, the one-word response lingering in his lips. He stepped closer. Closer. Closer as I backed-up. That gut feeling wouldn’t budge. Jesse reached for me. I didn’t let him touch me for the first time ever, backing up. The gut feeling was burning my gut, warning, burning me to run. Run against the snow. Run against the cold. Run against my blind desire to trust the Ice King.

“Matt, wait!” Jesse yelled as I started sprinting, fighting against the snow. I ran and he ran, his breathing muffled by the snowy winds, muting his speed. Muting the warning. I couldn’t trust him. I couldn’t trust that he and the body weren’t somehow working together. The gut feeling was ablaze the faster I ran, gravity not lending me a helping hand as my snow-filled shoes battled against me. I had to get away. I couldn’t trust him, even when I wanted to. I ran and ran until he caught up and threw me on the ground, putting his hand over my mouth. I struggled but it was pointless. We struggled. I didn’t know what more he wanted from me. I had given him everything.

I struggled more. More and more. I was losing the battle as I grasped for air. More and more. I couldn’t breathe. I could barely see him, The Ice King. Was the most beautiful image I had ever seen become the ugliest during my last breath. “Let him go!” I heard an all-too-familiar, raspy voice; and a new weight on top of me. The Ice King fell on top of me after the blow to his head took effect. I felt his weight, its cold heaviness, its frigidness, before it finally started to lift myself up with her help. Then came a pungent smell that filled my every airway with sweet life.

“Lenny…” I said, still gasping for air. She looked at me, beaten and out of breath. She grabbed my hand and helped me up, without saying a word. We started running. Running back towards her cabin, not turning back to look at The Ice King and his temporary defeat.

After five minutes of running and grasping for air, we were back inside. I turned to look at Lenny. She looked scared, but not as scared as when I turned to look at the images behind her, behind me. It was Jill, Enzo and Cara, all on the floor. Enzo had his throat slashed, Cara was bleeding from her mouth, and Jill, Jill’s body caused the iciest feeling in me as she looked at us both, eyes wide open. She too was bleeding from her mouth, but, the most horrifying part was that she was still breathing. She opened her mouth but no words came out, I looked inside and the sight sent chills down my spine, freezing it and any of its capacities. Then I looked down, as a squishiness that wasn’t caused by the snow caught my attention. A tongue.

I retreated quickly, my spine thawing. I started making my way towards Jill when suddenly a force swept past me. The force grabbed Jill and proceeded to grab the bloody, jagged bottle next to her, which I assumed was the same bottle used to end Enzo and Cara’s life. The force proceeded to finish the deed, stabbing Jill in the face, straight through her left cheek. Jill swung her arms up in defense, it was useless. The force grabbed them both, and pinned them to the ground. After a second of immobility from everyone in the room, the force leaned in, and kissed Jill where a bloody hole stood in place of her cheek. Then, she let go to grab the jagged, glassy weapon once more and deliver the final blow, severing Jill’s neck. Blood splattered in the air like a firework display on the Fourth of July. And as such, Jill celebrated the morbid freedom of a short life. The force turned to look at me. A familiar face. The face of someone who once, many times, claimed to love Jill in secret. 

“Lenny…” I said once again as she looked at me, her eyes as wide as when she rescued me from The Ice King. Or at least I thought she had rescued me. I backed away, feeling the squishiness of the tongue as I did. My legs slowly regained mobility as I started towards the door, but I was stopped by a sharp, burning sensation. It was the Body. The same body that had attacked me and The Ice King back at his cabin. I felt the force of his hand as it sliced through my stomach. I felt the red liquid exit just like it did Jill’s body, and Cara and Enzo’s. I moved back and then I felt the force that ended Jill’s life grab me from the neck. They said nothing, it was utter silence as the icy wind rattled my ear drums. I felt the pain shooting through my stomach as blood trickled slowly down my stomach and down to my knees.

The Body moved closer, its face shrouded by the white hoodie. Closer. Closer. Closer it moved as Lenny stood, her arm around my neck. The body was about to lean in for my final blow when suddenly Lenny let go. She pushed me to the side, I fell on the floor right next to Miguel’s decomposing body. Lenny stabbed the Body in the neck, much like she had done to her unrequited love. The Body stood, frozen. She turned to look at me on the floor. Lenny was blood-thirsty. She continued looking down at me, I was frozen. How could my friend turn on me? How could she turn on all my friends. How could…

“How could you…” Lenny said as she got closer and fell to her knees. I looked up at her body. And kneeled down closer to Jill. Closer. Closer. Closer the Body moved as Lenny looked up at it, ready to face death head-on. The Body raised its hand, mimicking Lenny’s exact strike and stabbed her right in the chest. Lenny fell on her back as her heart bled out. Bled and bled until it bled no more. The body looked down at her, then turned to look at me. It started walking closer. Closer. Closer. I started crawling, but my spine had once again lost its function. I crawled past Miguel. Crawling towards the door in hopes of escaping. The Body came closer. Closer. And raised its hand to strike once again.

He appeared out of the icy coldness, unexpectedly. The Ice King had returned. He was there to help his ally finish the deed. He moved closer. Closer. Closer. He was getting ready to finish the deed. And he did. The Ice King tackled the body to the ground once again. The Body brought its arms up to The Ice King’s neck, who did the same in response. Soon the body pinned the Ice King back on the ground. The struggled continued for another minute, which felt like an eternity. Finally, the Ice King lost his battle as the body stabbed him in the heart, the same way he had done to my once close friend turned blackmailer, Lenny. The Ice King started bleeding slowly, bleeding from a heart I didn’t know he had. Bleeding, but he was unwilling to bleed alone. He reached next to Lenny, for the same bottle that had claimed Jill and Cara and Enzo’s lives, and took one feeble blow at the Body. Right in the heart. The Body looked at his punctured chest. He just looked as blood poured out. He looked and reached to touch it, bringing his finger closer to his eyes. Closer, closer, closer. Then he turned to look at The Ice King one last time.

“Jesse,” I blurted out in a whisper. That’s all I could say. I couldn’t bring myself to help him. I wanted to help my Ice King. With all my heart. But no other part of my body was unthawed. How could you?” the Ice King said in his last breath before his heart stopped beating, but not before making one last move. His hand touched the Body’s head, removing his white hoodie and giving a face to the horror. A new horror took its place. His face. It was a he. A he. A murderous he. A he I knew too well. A he who was…me.  I laid over the Ice King, the bloody bottle in my hand. I looked in horror as his blood dressed my fingers. “How could you…” his words, Lenny’s words, Jill’s attempted last words, attempted words similar to the ones that threatened to out me and Jesse at any given moment during that trip. Treacherous and guilty words repeated themselves in my head. I got to my feet, looking at the bloodbath I had committed. The coldest of bloodbaths. My friends, Jesse, my Ice King. Dead. All dead as the cold entering the cabin’s open door.

I made my way to the front door, the same path where Miguel--my first victim--had entered looking for help. Miguel had tried helping me, even when he knew he couldn’t help someone without a grip on reality. I continued out into the cold, the frigid temperature was my only remaining friend, a cold unrequited lover. “How could I?” I kept repeating to myself as I walked closer. Closer. Closer in the direction of Jesse’s cabin, my Ice King who was no more. No more than slowly decaying flesh joining the cold air. Decaying friends and decaying lovers and other unnamed victims of those mountains. I walked and walked, the cold mushiness inside my shoes matching the mushiness of my heart as it was slowly bleeding out; guilt, love, and my volatile sanity bleeding with it.

I walked for an uncountable time before time itself started slowing down for me. I laid. My body touching the cold. The coldness of the snow being the last touch my flesh would ever feel. It shared an exact coldness with the Ice King. Jesse, The Ice King. Matt, the body with a bleeding heart. A heart that bled onto the snow. A heart that bled the moment he met Jesse. A feeble beating heart. A beating that should have stopped. A beating I wish would have stopped every day of my adult life. 

I was rescued by a nameless body. A fabricated account was created for the one responsible in ending the lives of my friends. Jesse was mistakenly blamed; a half-White, half-Mexican loner from an impoverished school in East Los Angeles; the odd one out in every regard. No one questioned his villainy. Not even me as I repeat this story to myself on dark nights like this one. Jesse, the villain of my coldest tale. Jesse, The Ice King.