THE HEART TO STOP

In the beginning it was all laughs and jokes. I will never get hurt I’m invincible. The way I saw life was through eyes of a stubborn self-centered egotistical brat. I never took the time to think about my actions or what the outcome would be if I did do something wrongful or hurtful to another human being. My outlook on life was very much poor. I grew up in a household that was poverties in every aspect. My mother and father tried their best to raise me up with the minimal money they worked hard for. Receiving gifts was a blessing from God. I remember when my dad bought me a scooter that you had to move by kicking the cement, I thought it was so cool.

Then there was high school. Like I mentioned before my attitude was poor and I was very much the class clown/bully. I was not always like that though I just grew into it as time went by. There was a time when I was a member of the Kiwanis Club. The attitude changes happened in high school, where everybody wants to be cool.

I am going to start with the things that I did in these numerous amounts of schools I was transferred around to and frow. The thing that got me kicked out of elementary was marijuana. I went to class high and the principal I once looked up to had thrown me out of school in a rage. He was very anti-marijuana. This led me to a school called City Park Collegiate. I spent a month there and fell into a crowd of kids who skipped school and smoked weed. This was a constant thing with me at this always being drawn towards that bad crowd of people. Always trying to fit in.

I won my first fist fight at this school. Some older guy at the school had picked a fight with me because I was talking to his girlfriend. Me not wanting to back down agreed to a fight after school in the park nearest to the school. I was terrified at first because he was bigger than me and he came off as aggressive in the hallway. The referee was a kid that hung out with my opponent. When he pretty much said let’s get it on, I started to throw punches wildly in the direction of the boy’s head. I can’t recall how many I landed but what I do recall was the older boy throwing up his arms to protect himself and yelling “okay I’m done”. That was it and his friends looked amazed in disbelief. I myself was alone at the time and had no friends with me to watch. No one on my side to witness me being the champ.

After the news got around that I had won people looked at me different. They totally wanted to be near me or totally wanted nothing to do with me. I did not care much anyway for people I was more interested in females at this time. I have to admit I was a virgin at the age of fifteen and these days that’s usually when it goes down, in your teens. I was a shy dude though, but my reputation was crazy and most of the girls liked me simply because I was perceived as a dangerous kid. I don’t know why good girls like bad guys, but I tell you one thing I sure wish I had stayed in school.

You got a brief glimpse into my early teen years and I’m just getting comfortable opening up about such things. I am a delicate piece of glass when it comes to my past. When I start to reveal my little legacies, I get a bit uneasy. I will try my best to go into depth of my emotion as well as be as precise as I can.

I got kicked out of school and I was on the highway hitchhiking from Saskatoon to Regina in search of my father. My mother and father were a long time separated. I had split the scene in Saskatoon because I felt out of place where I was living with my grandma. In my culture we call our grandmothers, Kokum. I left that spot in search of my dad.

When I got to Regina, I found my dad, but he did not have room there for me to stay. Instead, he gave my directions to my longtime friend, Chad. I got to Chad’s house and him and his mom were welcoming. This is where my life turns into a frenzy.

Chad was doing certain criminal activity that got me into a life of crime. I have been incarcerated a good portion of my life since then. I do not blame any of this on my friends I take full responsibility for my actions. We ended up committing a lot of wrongdoings and my first jail sentence in Regina was for a term of 15 months secure custody.

They say sending a person to jail is only making them a better criminal. I wish they had alternative measures for kids back then like some sort of treatment or rehabilitation. Instead, I was thrown into a jail with a bunch of different type of criminals. I learned how to steal a car in jail. I learned how to do certain break and enters without tripping alarms. I pretty much learned not to be afraid of anything except the police.

Paul Do Jack Youth Centre. The first meal I ate there was shepherd’s pie. I got into numerous amounts of fights and developed a knack for poetry. There is a literature teacher that I would love to give thanks for helping me develop basic writing skills. She had a good way of explaining things to me and had a strong program for literature. I wrote a lot of rhymes and poems. I still have aspirations for making rap music. This is where my skills for rhyme scheme developed.

I got a mandatory review before the courts after a year in jail. They sent me to an open custody facility in Regina and I got transferred about a month later back to Saskatoon where my mom and siblings lived. When I left Saskatoon when I was younger my younger brother Cody was devastated. When I came home, he barely knew me. All my cousins were growing up and my uncles and aunties were addicted to drugs.

I met another kid my age in the youth center in Saskatoon where I got transferred to. His name was also Tony, and two Tony’s don’t make a right. We took over the young offender scene together with our bad attitudes and our we don’t care state of mind. The staff at the youth center used to come to me and ask me to settle some of the other kids down because I was inciting them to attack staff members. That’s when I began to glorify the lifestyle. That’s when I became Tony “The Bear”.

I was a gang member by the age of 17 and I was moving up in the ranks of one of the most dangerous Indigenous gangs in Canada. I had a bunch of kids under my title who I referred to as “Mission Men”. The things I made them do were violent. I was responsible for turning a lot of young men into what they are now, gangsters.

Things went bad for me at this time, and I left Saskatoon. They say it takes a lifetime to make a reputation but only a second to crumble it down. I have not been back to Saskatoon because of the situation that occurred but that is something I’m not going to share with you right now. Let’s just Say I was not Tony “The Bear” anymore.

I moved to Alberta to change my life around. My dad had moved from Regina to Calgary while I was in jail, and I went to Calgary to be a Roofer with my dad. I still miss the old me but as you’ll learn a bit further into my story that old habits are hard to break. Calgary was just five Saskatoons put together.

When we shuffle around my life, you’ll learn a few things about me. That I’m a disgusting human being with no morals or care for anything in life. That I’m a no-good father and I’m a repeat offender. That I’m crazy. That I’m a womanizer and a bad boyfriend. That I’m really trying right now to be a better person and I’m in active recovery.

Calgary is a place of wonder. When you first move there from a small city you do not really see the bad stuff. You keep to yourself, and the city is so big that if you want to go unnoticed then you can do so without a problem. I started out in the city as a tourist. I did not know the ins and outs of the city at all. I was staying close to home. I was worried that if people caught up to me from Saskatoon, then I would be killed or hurt. I stayed to myself and did not let anybody into my personal life.

It is kind of funny how I’m letting people into my life through these chapters. I am finally opening up about my biggest fear. This is a big step for me so bear with me if I’m not up to par with your usual standards when it comes to writing a book. This is my first time doing this and I pray that you will find some sense in what I write and maybe some of you can relate. I am not 100 percent fully recovered even now. I am in a sober living house and I’m only now testing my artistic ability.

Roofing in Calgary was a good time. I enjoyed watching the torch at nighttime as we melted the tar to the roof. I won’t go into details about the exact work but if you know roofing then you’ll know commercial roofing is done by using a torch and tar. Theres a lot of technical terms but hey I’m not the smartest man on earth and I’m barely getting by explaining everything right now. so, bear with me.

My dad was the best for accepting me into his home. I was getting shunned everywhere I went, and my dad’s love was unconditional. I am gratified for his attempts on getting my life back on track. I wish that I can show him one day that I’m capable of extraordinary things. I feel like a fall down at the moment, but they say there is hope for everyone. I am hoping that this is my last kick at the criminal can.

I am getting off topic a bit so I’m going back into the real reason for this story, my addiction with methamphetamine.

I was a Roofer off and on for a numerous number of years. It is basically the only thing I’m good at when it comes to hard labor.

The thing that first got me was crack cocaine. I started to dabble a bit and it escalated quickly into a full-on habit. I quit my job and I plummeted down fast. I ended up under the bridge close to the Drop-In Centre downtown selling crack just so I could make the means to smoke it. I wasn’t a very good drug dealer. Rule number one; don’t get high on your own supply. (SCARFACE). I ended up in detox a few times and I left quickly. I never took life seriously. My brother was disappointed in me, and my family wanted nothing to do with me.

There was a time when I thought crystal meth was the lowest of the low. I once robbed a crystal meth dealer and gave all the crystal meth away for nothing because I hated the thought of it. Crack cocaine was expensive, and I was now befriending all types of drug addicts. One addict turned me onto meth. When I dabbled in it, I became addicted fast.

Before I knew it crystal meth was the only drug that I was doing. Here I Am supposed to be changing my life around and I fall right back into the lifestyle that I tried leaving Saskatoon for. I began selling meth and smoking meth, to be honest I even tried eating the stuff. Meth became my entire. Nothing could separate me from this drug. My dad wanted nothing to do with me, so I ended up homeless.

Running around the streets of Calgary committing all sorts of crime to get this drug. This drug will take your soul. Anyone who knows anything about this drug will tell you that this drug is the devil. I am going to try and convince the reader to stop doing this drug if you are doing this drug. If you stop early, you will not get the side effects that you will not want to have. The things that happen to you when you get heavily involved in this drug are ugly as sin. I can honestly Say I have been to hell and back a hundred times since I started this drug. I have lost my kids using this drug. I have lost my dignity.

I can remember times when I would walk around aimlessly all night doing nothing but looking for possible criminal activity. I would try get everyone I knew involved in doing crime and drugs. I became a very disgusting human being. I will not tell you everything I have done on this drug because the things in my brain are sick. This is a sickness that I do not wish upon anyone else. The messed-up thing is that kids are getting involved in this drug, and that is the main reason I’m doing this short book.

I am writing in hopes that my simple story will catch the eye of someone going through this type of struggle. I know that my story is not as detailed, and I have skipped through a lot of my life but if anyone does take interest in my story, I intend to write a full autobiography one day. This is only a snippet of the things that led me to where I’m today. I am not fully recovered but I’m in active recovery and taking the steps to developing a sober mind and I believe that writing will help me get through the hard times.

The previous words I have just wrote are an introduction into my life and I hope that you take interest in what I have to say. If I do get some positive feedback, I think it will boost my ego and give me more of a reason to change my lifestyle. The next chapter will be about what my goals are and some advice I have to give on stopping the horrible drugs. Please do reach out to my email I leave at the end of the short book, and I will promise to reply to whomever writes to me. Most Authors do not have the time for their readers, but my goal is to leave my email at the end of every book I do write in the future and write back to each one of my friends who read my book. Thats what I consider my readers, my friends.

When I’m fully recovered, I want to write books. I want to make music. I want to be a real human being. I want to fall in love. I want to get involved in my kids’ lives. I want to know my family. I do not want to remember my past life as a drug addict.

I am going to all sorts of meetings right now to help me in my recovery and I’m taking things seriously.

I am living in Medicine Hat Alberta in a sober living unit with wonderful staff that are helping me through this change. If anything does become of this story, I owe it all to the changes I have been making in my lifestyle. When you start to do good things, good things really do happen. It’s the law of attraction. If I can tell the world what kind of changes, I have been experiencing then that is good enough for me. If I can leave a legacy behind with all positive behaviors from now on, then that is building up treasures in heaven.

The important thing is leaving something behind for my kids to read so they can get a look into what the true aspirations of their father were opposed to what their mothers tell them about me. I know I haven’t been the best person in the world, but I was born with less of a chance and we all know that being Indigenous isn’t easy and I do not blame anything on my culture or anyone else it was all my choices as a human being that led me to the rough position, I’m in right now.

We all make our own beds it’s how we tuck ourselves in those matters. I am finally seeing a new way of life and I owe it all to script.

My advice on drugs are they are the devil. You will be nothing and you will own nothing if you are a drug addict plain and simple. Take it from the worst of the worst. Don’t ever think you can just try a drug once because that is a lie. Be true to yourself and make things on this earth count. Don’t take life for granted because it is a blink and its gone. If you want to live forever, you’ll have to put in that work.

your friend,

[email protected]