the goddess in the barn

Normandy, France

June 10th, 1944

My dearest John,

Every battle I live through makes me more grateful that you are back home and safe. It's horrible here—the fighting. I dream about it a lot. I can't stop thinking about the men I've killed, or how one of my men got killed, or how a grenade almost got me two days ago. But I shouldn't tell you all this; I don't want you worrying about me. It's been a year now, but I know I'm coming home soon. The men talk about it all the time—home. I miss it. Europe is beautiful, but we have to visit when there isn't a war going on. Ha-ha.

I got your letter today. Thanks for the update on my family and the town. I'll write to ma next, but writing to you first helps so I don't scare her with the fighting details. I'm so glad we get each other's letters. Some of the men here send letters and never even get one in response. No one knows if the letters get lost at sea or delivered to the wrong address or if their families write back, but those letters get lost in Europe somewhere. You feel so far away, but when I hold the paper you held when you wrote to me, it feels like you're here. Your handwriting makes me laugh. It's so bad! I would show the guys here, but I don't want anyone asking questions.

Anyways, we have another battle to win tomorrow. I have something to tell you. It's something I want you to know if you never get another letter from me. If I live through tomorrow, we can talk about it. But we're heading deeper into France, and I don't know if any of us will survive.

Last night I had a dream, and she came and told me I had to tell you what happened five years ago in the barn. I've never told anyone. I knew I wanted to tell you someday, but I didn't think you would believe me. Well, I saw her again last night, and she told me I had to tell you. She's been keeping me safe so far, so I'll listen.

Five years ago, winter of 1939, Da asked me to check on the dogs after supper since it had gotten so cold. It had snowed earlier that day, and he asked me to make sure the old barn was warm enough, or we'd have to bring them into the new barn. So I went and checked on them, and they seemed warm enough—they have fur coats! But inside was pretty cold. We boarded up all the windows in fall, but I thought that we shouldn't use this barn in winter anymore. I told the pups merry Christmas and put out some old horse blankets that their ma could use. They all seemed happy, so then I grabbed my lantern. I was about to open the barn door and leave when something flashed behind me. I turned around, thinking maybe a lantern tipped over and got lit somehow, I don't know, but that wasn't it at all.

This glowing woman was standing there, staring at me! she had blonde hair, long and braided at the top, and her eyes were blue like yours. She was wearing a white dress that was definitely not American. I asked her if she needed help, and she laughed. The sound was like music. I wanted to die for her—anything she commanded, I would do it. She said she wanted to help me, that she'd been watching me and wanted to help me out. She said her name was Aphrodite, and she was the goddess of love.

Now I know if you're reading this, you're thinking that the war made me lose my mind, and I'm writing bullshit, but I swear this happened. So, I asked her what she wanted to help me with. I don't know if you remember this, but that Christmas was the first time I'd kissed anyone—you dared me to kiss Dorothy May under the mistletoe. I did, and it was good, but Aphrodite asked me about that and asked if there was someone I would have rather kissed instead. I said your name.

She smiled, and I knew she wasn't human from her smile alone. It was like sunshine in the middle of a thunderstorm. She told me I would kiss you one day. She said that in her time, men were allowed to love each other like women. I remember learning about ancient Greece in school, but we never talked about that. She asked me to trust her and said that I was free to love whoever I wanted to.

Then she disappeared, and the barn went dark. My lantern went out. Misty barked. It was the best night of my life.

I slept in a barn last night with the lads, so maybe that was why I dreamed of her. We're still at the barn now, using it as a rest stop until tomorrow, and I guess it might be the last barn I ever see.

You're my best friend, John. I've wanted to tell you how I feel for years, but I never knew how. I didn't want to lose you. Then I got drafted, and I haven't seen you since last year, and every day I don't know whether I'll live or die.

I know Aphrodite has been watching over me now. I had a dream last night, and she was in it. She said it was time to tell you what happened that night in the barn. She said she would make sure you get this letter. I hope you do. I hope one day we see each other again. In my dream, she said there are places where men can be with men and not be judged for it. She said there are places in Paris where men can dance in clubs together. We'd have to learn French, but I've already picked up some of it from being here. By the time the war ends, I'll be fluent!

I miss you. I hope you're doing alright.

With love, Sam