The Gift

Flies on the wall tell great stories.

Once upon a time, a little girl came home crying. Her mother asked her why she was upset.

Did I tell you I am Super Fly? Yes, we are great story tellers. Unlike ordinary flies, we live forever. But, I digress.

Anyway, the thing about girls in middle school is mostly about the Queen Bee and her satellites. Now, in this mix, where would our independent thinking girl fit? The memory of that day in the school yard is green as the pear tree I buzzed around.

That sunny day, a new kid in school was the target of bullies. The little girl stood up for the lost kid, and wonder of wonders, the bully stopped picking on the newbie. A happy ending?

Not really! The bully just transferred the growing rage on to the one who dared to call her out.

"I stood up for the new girl, mother!"

Tears pooled in her eyes, as she shared the lowlight of her day.

Despite the mother's affirmation that she did the right thing, the little girl could not stop the waterworks.

"She said the worst things to me after that."

"You behaved like an upstander. I am proud of you."

At that time, those maternal words of comfort flew over the child's head. If she did the right thing, why were the bystanders silent? Why were there so many mean girls who pointed fingers and laughed along?

"They don't know better. When you point one finger at someone, remember three fingers point back at you."

The analogy sounded good, but it did not hit the desired mark. The young girl wrapped up in pain, could not think critically.

"They said such mean things, it hurt my feelings."

The mother recounted a story to her daughter which I will share later.

The little girl grew into a confident woman, mother, and productive individual. Life always goes on and there will be lessons.

No matter what life brings up, one must green light positive affirmations. The beautiful world sometimes dredges up occasional negativity. For what is light without darkness, and what is pleasure without pain?

Time flies, and a couple more decades rolled away like unmossed stone.

One early morn before the sun came out, she had a flight to take to the other coast three thousand miles away. Through hard work, grit, and dedication she had earned several privileges. One of them was the exclusive use of luxury lounges at the airport. In the hope of catching breakfast in one of them, she did not carry a snack.

At the airport, an insane amount of reconstruction was afoot. The lounges were temporarily shifted to a slightly distant location. She looked at the time, and realized she'd have to pick up food at one of the airport restaurants instead.

As it was the wee hours of dawn, the restaurants hadn't yet opened. In the hope of picking a snack, she looked at the stores only to see them shuttered.

Although she had a layover, it was going to be a while. Until then, she had to contend with a growling stomach over the turbulent noise of the jet engines.

She looked at her watch. "Oh bummer, it's going to be another five hours of this."

Being a foodie and all that, girlfriend did not like such discomfort, but at least she could buy some of the dry as dust airplane snacks.

She got to her seat. Due to the last-minute booking, she had the last window seat. The middle and aisle seated an amiable young couple. They got up to make room for her to settle into her window seat.

The take-off had a little delay, and after the briefest welcome smile to her fellow passengers, she decided to catch a small nap.

In the process of catching up on sleep, she also missed the time window to preorder a paid snack.

She woke up to the sound of crunching. The young couple next to her had come prepared. One by one, they brought out snacks from the bottomless bag; pistachio biscotti, cheese and crackers, and even crisp apples with peanut butter.

Her stomach growled with hunger.

She looked ahead to see the tall flight attendant trying to maneuver the heavy trolley with snacks and drink. With airline cutting corners to accommodate more passengers, he seemed too large in the narrow aisle.

She waited patiently as he finally came to the last seat where she sat by the window.

"I'll have a stroopwafel and tea, please."

The attendant did little to return her smile, he seemed to relate better to the younger couple next to her. They did not seem to want anything.

Looking at the pile of snacks remaining, the lady continued. "Could you also add a bag of pretzels, please?"

He ignored her request, but instead focused on the couple next to her with a broad smile. "Are you sure you do not want anything?"

"No, but the lady by the window wanted a bag of pretzels."

His smile once again turned to a frown. With a steely gaze and set resolve, he acknowledged the lady at the window icily, "This is not a restaurant, only one snack per person."

Of course, it was an either-or situation. Airplane companies find ways to cut corners. If the attendant had stopped there, she'd still have understood. With simple condescension he utilized her request to make one extra dig.

"There are other customers who need the snack, and we don't want to run short by people wanting to take advantage of the snack policy, do we?"

By now, the lady by the window felt awful for requesting that extra snack. "I understand the reason, you could have just said you have company policy limitations and left it at that."

The attendant did little to acknowledge her words.

However, the lady in the middle seat witnessed this, and she could not help showing her distaste. She piped up, "But we are the last to be served, and you still have plenty of snacks left."

The flight attendant grew condescending and stood by his argument.

She then pointed to her husband and continued," We did not have the snack, you could have given it to her instead."

"Can't do that Ma'am!"

The younger lady did not think it was right, and she felt the attendant's attitude was rude.

She dug into her bag and brought out snacks to share. However, her neighbor politely declined and thanked her for the kindness. She was no longer hungry.

"I don't think he feels contrite, but let me apologize for him," said the lady in the middle seat.

"Why would you have to do that?"

Now, don't blame me for being confused. I may be super, but I am still a fly.

"Well, his tone sounded a bit racist, and he was being rude."

With my compound eyes, I began to see where this was going. The lady at the window was what humans perceive brown skinned, while the lady in the middle was white like the attendant.

The lady in the middle seat had an inbuilt sense of fairness, and everything rebelled within her.

The other lady reassured her. "It's not your fault, but thank you for standing up for me. If this had gone any farther, I'd have gotten his name and filed a complaint with the management."

"You should do it at this point itself. I can't understand how you can stay calm. I'm enraged by his attitude."

"Well. my first instinct was to react with anger, but I decided to opt for empathy.Besides, a tale told by my mother came to mind."

"I'd like to hear it."

I was looking forward to recite this story, but she seems to be doing quite well. I just hope to have the last word in the most super fly way.

The tale her mother often quoted was from Gautama Buddha.

In one of his travels, Buddha was rudely interrupted and insulted by an angry man. The crowd around sensed his hostility and were ready to attack the disrespectful member of the audience.

Then, Buddha seized this moment to request compassion. He requested the crowd not to counter hostility with aggression. He posed a simple question.

"What happens when you give a gift to someone, and they do not accept it?"

A gift is only given if the intended receiver accepts it. Unaccepted gifts have to go back to the gifter.

Anger is toxic, and its effects of harsh words and hostile actions could also be viewed as "gifts." If the intended recipient does not accept it, the gifts go back to the one that originated them.

The couple next to the lady listened with rapt attention. "A perspective I never looked at," said the man who was quiet until now.

His partner was not easily convinced. "...but how can you stay so cool?"

The lady in the window seat thought that she saw two things at the same time. If it was not for the thorns, she would not have seen the human side of her compassionate neighbor. It would have been just another trip of strangers sitting side by side.

"Mindset matters. A rose has softness, scent, colors, and beauty. It also has thorns, and so it is with life. If I focused only on the thorns I'll miss the rose."

The lady in the middle would not give up. It was gratifying to watch her, and from her angle, it was the right thing to do. "I was boiling just watching, and I felt I had to say something," she exclaimed.

"I understand, I'd have felt the same way if it had happened to someone else."

"Yet you reacted differently."

"That's true. Just because it happened to me, I chose a different approach. I tried walking up and down the narrow aisle in his big shoes. He probably does not want to do what he is doing and probably has no other choice. He might have had a bad day, and he felt it right to take it out this way."

"Isn't that clearly wrong? He will take this as a green light to perpetuate hostility."

"It IS wrong. I gently let him know. This is an opportunity for him to change. I have chosen my reaction in the hope I can provide a teachable moment for him and for myself."

"For you? What did you learn?"

“I got to practice letting go .”

"But, one must act in these matters and not just accept."

"It may seem like inaction on my part, but I was fully engaged."

The lady by the window replied that she acted by deliberately not countering aggression with aggression.

Well, here it was microaggression. I should tell this story.

"I chose to hold up a mirror and what he saw was a reflection of himself. Hopefully he will learn from this."

"But, he may choose not to learn."

"There is that possibility. If he chooses to carry back the toxicity, it will only poison him."

The listeners nodded in agreement.

The wise Buddha once said, holding on to anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other to die. I wish I had been there on the wall that day.

"You see, after this flight, I have places to go, and a choice of luxury lounges. I can have lunch, snack, wine, beer, or a preferred cocktail. He, on the other hand, will have to serve customers he thinks do not deserve his service. Besides, for every innocent customer, he will have twice the share of rude ones. He can't go anywhere else. The next plane ride will be the same for him, and so will the next, like the proverbial Sisyphian myth, The only way he can change this misery is by altering his mindset."

"Mindset is important," agreed the lady in the middle. "Yet, he .."

I wanted to give a super fly response, but she rephrased the message.

"Yes, you did not accept the toxic gifts. It naturally went back to the ..."

"..gifter!"