The Frog Pond

Don't all stories start with Once Upon a Time?

We always point to fairy tales, or fantastical stories, or outright bald-faced lies as Once Upon a Time. But all of our lives are one whole story, broken into readable bits by time. We think fairy tales should have a parable, or even a proverb, at the middle. Like it's some kind of speakable pearl.

What if you're wrong? What if the stories are actually real, and someone lived them, and we just wrapped them in a pretty intro so you wouldn't dismiss them out of hand?

I lived one. But you won't believe me, so:

Once upon a time....

******************

The smell drove Adrianna outside again.

"Grandma" was at it again. Someone wanted a potion, they'd always go to the others, and those potions never even worked right. Eventually, if they had enough money and enough persistence - let's face it, actual courage - they'd always end up at Grandma's, and they'd get the right potion. Maybe not the one they wanted, but the one they needed.

But, drat, the stink! It almost always drove her outside, even the love philtres. And she'd seen the nicely-scented ingredients that went into those particular ones, and still...whew!

Or maybe it was dinner. Haggis smelled and tasted about the same as some of her potions. Throw it in, run away, come back when the smell didn't make you want to vomit.

At least Grandma's no-bite lotion worked a treat, so she could sit at the edge of the swamp without worrying about being eaten alive.

By anything. Mosquitoes, midges, snakes, alligators, bears, rabid creatures. Grandma was good. And if you were careful about what you asked for, you got it.

Living here at the edge of the swamp might be a bit boring, but it was still paradise compared to living at court. Talk about biting! Poison-filled tongues, pretty lies wrapped in beautiful clothing, false friends and obsequious servants. Ugh! Just awful. Just because she knew how to play the game from her cradle doesn't mean she wanted to play at all.

So she'd run away. It took some careful planning, some judicious bribes, a clueless under-nursemaid, and some forged documents. The only person who'd be punished for any of it would be a particular horse boy who was already taking liberties he didn't have, and hopefully he'd learn his lesson after the whipping.

She wondered if this no-bite formula would work on the likes of him.

Grandma would have taken her in even without the letter of recommendation. Matter of fact, the door had opened before she could knock, and the raspy voice in the shadows behind it said, "whatever took you so long to get out of that cesspool?"

She wondered some days who Grandma really was. Evil witch kicked out of the "good" kingdoms, forced into exile around this miserable swamp with all the other witches, in a forgotten corner of a kingdom where no one cared if they lived? Or fairy godmother, with the most arrow-proof cover story and alias ever?

Grandma kept an eye on most of the other witches. One of the first things Grandma said to her was, "Appearances are deceiving, always look beneath." So she did, mindful of the same lesson from court. Sure enough, some of the women kicked out of their homes and kingdoms were just senile old ladies, or ugly, or touched in the head. Grandma made sure their huts were snug and warm, and that they got enough food. None of them lived high on the hog, but their bellies were full every day.

Some of the others... well, they claimed they were witches, but it seemed that all they wanted to do was dance around naked and brew up "potions" to get even with spurning lovers. Grandma left them to their own devices. Luckily they lived on the far end of the swamp and let the old ones alone. Grandma's very discreet "warmth and safety" potion that she dribbled around the old ones' huts kept all sorts of predators away, especially the two-legged ones, and no one was the wiser.

And then there were the ones who were actually into the craft...for better or worse. Mostly worse. Grandma kept a very close eye on those. Most of them didn't last long; they kept poisoning each other. Accidentally, she hoped. She stayed far, far away from them. Adrianna made a mental note to look for a "no-stupid" potion.

"Why do you think we have this part of the swamp to ourselves? Besides, you'd clear the entire court. You'd rattle around in an empty castle, with only a few smart servants."

"Are you reading my mind again?"

"Not this time. Your face clearly betrayed your thoughts. Here, you're safe, but when you return, you'll have to school your face to much more inscrutable features." Grandma sat down aside of her with a sigh. "The potion's going to cook for a few hours, so we can go herb hunting in the swamp if you're still willing."

"Sure! I learn a lot in there. Let me get my special shoes."

"I already have mine, I'll be taking a small rest break here while you get them."

"Whee!" Adrianna was racing back to the house, holding her breath against the stink. Her "special shoes" were water repellent. But Grandma was good - they were so good at their job, that you actually hovered a tiny bit above the swamp's water. How they could still walk without skating, well, Grandma wouldn't give up all her secrets.

***************

She could hear the frogs again.

"Ay-dree! Ah-nah! Come play! Come play!"

She sighed, glanced at Grandma. Grandma just rolled her eyes. "If the boys need entertaining, I can send them a plague of grasshoppers. You don't need to cater to them, like you already don't cater to those mush-headed princes trying to catch your attention at court."

"Oh, I know. it's just..."

Grandma raised an eyebrow. "Are you falling in love with one of them?"

"I doubt it. It's not like they can hold a conversation in their present condition. I just... I like things neat. I know, I know. No, I'm not a sucker for Happily Ever After. But they seem... stuck. I get that there's punishment, but how do they get out? They're in a pond. There's only so much brain power in those frog heads. They're safe, but they're not going to get better out there."

"Hmm." Grandma continued to eat, thinking about what she said. That's what Adrianna loved about Grandma - Grandma followed her own advice and looked past a person's looks and attitude to what they actually said. Sure, she didn't suffer fools lightly, and would be quick to shred someone's idiotic idea. But Adrianna was used to being ignored because of looks, or youth. Not here.

"Hmm. You have a valid point. Let's see if we can make some plans to un-stick our boys and get them back in the world..."

***************

He remembered. He remembered!

Oof. He remembered...

Spoiled. Arrogant. Cruel. Shallow. Vain. Why would people want to be his friend?

Oh. He'd been rich. And a prince.

Now, he wasn't even prince of the frog pond. Everywhere he looked - except straight ahead, couldn't do that in this body - he saw green and yellow and spotted frogs, and each one had a tiny glittering crown on its head.

So. He wasn't the only one who'd been an idiot.

He heard footsteps. Instincts were very hard to fight, when all the other frogs were plop-plop- plopping into the muck in case it was a fox or raccoon sniffing around for a slow meal. But these seemed heavier, and he vaguely remembered....people....

He remembered this specific people!

Adrianna carefully sat down near him on the bank. "Prince Aethelwold, I presume?"

"I...I...was. Once. Not....now."

"Would you like to rejoin the people world? Be rehabilitated into a decent human being?"

"P...pl....please?"

"Come here, then." She stood up, bent over with interlaced fingers for him to hop over and crawl into her hand. She cradled him gently, took him up to the cottage. He was afraid, because that's where she lived, who'd turned him so long ago.

The table was set with a nice tablecloth, and on it was a single dinner plate with a wet cloth on it. Adrianna set him down on the plate, and covered him with the cloth to keep him wet. He sighed in deep appreciation.

A shadow against the wall chuckled. "Better, little prince?"

With his frog eyes, it was so hard to see any shapes that didn't move. She became clearer when she stood up and moved to sit at a chair at the table. He gulped, which is impressive to watch on a frog. "Ma'am," he croaked.

"Easy, Prince. There are no frog's legs on the menu tonight. So, the spell is wearing off a bit, which means you're ready to become a human again. And this time, to act like a proper human, perhaps?"

"Yes...p'ease."

"Then we will help you, and yes even train you. You have some very bad habits to unlearn. Adrianna will undo the spell, and we will let you sleep in a bed. There will be clothing. Take some time getting used to being in a human shape again. We'll be out here when you're ready."

"Uh....huh."

Adrianna picked him up, took him to a back room where there was a neat bed and some men's clothing neatly folded on a stool. She slid him under the covers, then quickly swooped down and kissed him on his back. She didn't look, just turned and quickly closed the door so he could transform in private. And he wouldn't see her wiping her mouth.

But she couldn't resist as the door shut. "Good night, sweet prince."

*******************

"He's falling in love with you."

"Oh no. Please, tell me no. All I'm doing is teaching his what he needs to know and not taking his nonsense!"

"Exactly. So, how do you wish to let him down?"

"Is it possible to summon his true love here, so I can run away?"

Grandma laughed - then stopped, looked thoughful. "Hand me that second book, let me check something..."

*******************

How many shoes can her horse throw while running out of control, while being lost in a dark forest??

Luckily she was an excellent rider. She had to be, to stay on this nag. As soon as Daddy let her, she knew a particular hack who'd be turned into glue!

Normally she loved horses. Normally she put up with some of their lunacy. But this was the third time this week, and she'd finally lost her temper.

"Listen up, you supercilious hayburner! If you don't stop this utter nonsense and stop running breakneck, I'm going to turn you into sausage! Your children and your children's children will shudder at the ferocity I show you! I will turn your hooves into a wind chime! Your teeth will become my necklace! I will pluck out each and every hair in your mane and tail and weave you a shirt of shame! And make you wear it! I will dine on your flesh for months! And I will turn your bones-"

Suddenly the horse reared, and she'd had enough. She slid off, getting out of the way of flailing hooves and forth-flecked foam. The horse galloped off, but she only shook a fist as it disappeared. "Good riddance! My own feet are safer than your back!" The horse was gone, and didn't care.

She looked around. The dark of the forest made the single light she could see in the distance stand out all the more. She prayed they were friendly, then carefully made her way towards it.

*************

Prince Aethelwold took to sitting outside the cottage during evenings. It gave the ladies some private time to chat, and he could collect his own thoughts in solitude. Besides, it was hard living with two women when you couldn't... well, you know...

Besides, the ladies had an amazing selection of tobacco blends, and occasionally he'd like to sit outside and smoke a pipe. Listen to the frogs. Reflect on his past life, and what his future might look like.

He also used the no-bite lotion. Now that he was human again, he hated any mosquitos or midges or flies that got near. The old instincts die hard.

The ladies told him that time was different. He'd been used to living day-to day, except for the times when everything slowed down. They told him that's when winter came, to gently freeze them in their mud dens till spring came. But when warmth reappeared, it was just sunlight, flies, croaking for mates that never seemed to appear, and battling with the other frog princes for the few lily pads. And avoiding that one fox that seemed determined to sneak through Grandma's no-eat-frogs spell.

"He's only gotten through twice," she grumbled. "And those two princes...well, it's probably for the best. You don't want to know what they did to their people, to deserve an even worse fate than the ones I gave them."

Aethelwold shuddered. He remembered some of the things he'd done to people, and there was worse? Best not to imagine it.

But all the people he'd known, it seems, were long dead. Though it only felt like a few seasons to him, his brother's children's children's children now held the throne.

Probably for the best too. He hadn't been very nice at all. They were most likely relieved beyond measure that their "problem prince" had just vanished from their lives and kingdom, never to return.

He could become an errant knight, maybe. Go out righting wrongs and suchlike, maybe fight in a tournament or two? But getting the equipment could be problematic-

He realized with a start that the frogs had stopped singing, and there was something crashing in the bushes, getting nearer.

Things like that happened regularly at Grandma's cottage. People in danger or desperation thrashed through the bushes constantly to get there. He didn't understand, when there was a perfectly good path leading to the front door, but maybe he was missing something?

He knocked on the door to warn them of an approaching customer, then went to the last hedge to help whoever it was over the final hurdle.

And he reached out just in time to have a woman fall into his arms.

He was startled, but he didn't miss the catch. Her riding clothing was definitely worse for wear, what little he could see by the light of the moon that was just emerging from the storm clouds. He held on steadily, to give her time to catch her breath and composure. "My lady, are you all right? You look like you've been through an ordeal, perhaps we can help-"

She looked up at him, and he lost his words. "Oh...I...um..."

Apparently she did too. "Oh...er...ah...."

In the cottage, two people looking carefully at the scenario through the only mirror was a delicate balance. But they managed. "Love at first sight spell? Seems to be working beautifully."

"Besotted, unless I miss my guess. I hope you don't mind sharing your room for a bit."

"Shouldn't be for long, the way they're acting. We'll pack extra no-bite lotion in his bag when they leave. I guess we should prepare for the next frog..."

*********************

And so it went, for a few years. A frog would remember, the ladies would adjust their schedule to turn him back into a respectable human being, a princess or other high noble's daughter would fortuitously stumble their way, the lovebirds would be packed off to a new life.

But one day Adrianna came back from the swamp, to find Grandma packing up Adrianna's things.

"It's time for you to go back to court, dearie. Long past time, actually, but we both had a job to do, and it's been done well. But you need to take your rightful place too, and with the lessons learned here, I think you'll do very well."

"But, there are still frogs left to change back. What about them?"

"You notice there haven't been any that changed in a good long while? So, the rest are unripe, I guess. Now, I'm just speculating here, but this is what I think: there are only two categories of frogs out there. Some that just aren't ready to face the world again, and those that never will. The latter's easy - they live out their natural life span here, and die. That's fine. I make sure there are plenty of flies for them to eat, and I think I've now made certain that pesky fox never comes back. But the rest - you could be waiting decades, or centuries. I've been collecting frogs for a long, long time. The backlog's dealt with, so you're free to return to your home, and do the same with the two-legged frogs."

"Heh. I guess you're not wrong on that score." She sat down, looked around. "Will I remember? The spells, the time here, the lessons?"

"All of it. You might find I packed a book in there, with your clothing. And some dried herbs, and a few of the more rare ingredients for the finicky spells. Lay claim to the distillation room early, or create a second one for yourself, with only one key. I think you know the spell for locks to stay locked."

"I know it very well, after we couldn't break that one prince of sneaking into my room to try on my dresses. He ruined so many, anyone could see they were too small! Teaching him tailoring made it so much better."

"Anyway, don't be a stranger. Come and visit sometimes. Maybe bring a friend or two, perhaps, that might be in need of a husband. I tucked a few strands of my hair in there for you to use in making a magic mirror to talk to me in that distillery of yours, so we can keep in touch with what projects come my way."

Adrianna hesitated. Decided to ask anyway. "Grandma, are you really my grandmother? Or my fairy godmother? I haven't been able to figure it out, all this time."

"Both, darling. But more like your great, great, great to the nth degree grandma. Think of me... like one of those frogs out there. It took me a while to get my act together, but now I keep an eye out on most of the kingdoms. You've seen all sorts of people come our way."

"All kinds. Just like court, I guess."

"Exactly. And your people will need you. Pay attention to the young bucks that will be flocking to court to flaunt themselves at you, see if you can find a good mate there. If not, talk to me, and we'll see what we can whip up." Grandma nodded at the cauldron, but there was a twinkle in her eye.

"Grandma! Though maybe I'll just turn a bunch of the worst offenders into newts, so you can use them in your next set of spells."

"There's room in the pond out back too, if need be."

"Ah, I have an idea of my own...."

****************

And that, my dear daughter, is why I ripped out the old formal rose garden and put in a water feature. Remember that, when someone tries to feel you up in the stables. Now, want to put on your special shoes, and visit Grandma?