The Fabulous Screamer

It is quiet now, the way it has been for many years, a silence that resonated peace within these walls not to be disrupted for any reason.

Once a few years ago an intruder tried to disrupt our sanctuary and well let’s just say he was unsuccessful, but first let me tell who we are. We are the walls of an old New England home once owned by a governor from 1700’s and preserved through the centuries. There are five of us whose spirits live within these walls. First there is myself as I am that governor, Benjamin John Elms, then my wife, Charlotte, and our daughter Abigail are in the parlor with the fireplace. We read together at night from the library which sits off to the corner.

In the hallway through the front foyer and staircase lives Ray, a transient individual from the 1920’s who took up residence here. He is jovial and friendly, harmless really, but he will scare the dickens out of someone who crosses him. We let him stay as he provides protection and will be the first to scare off anyone that comes here to cause trouble.

The kitchen is the soul of a woman named Joanie who bought this house in the 1970’s and tried to restore it as best she could before we were on the historical tours. The house was in disarray and since she labored over the homestead with so much care, we let her stay as well. She is more of a free spirit but will not let any harm come to our home.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention Dale who lives in the barn. Dale escaped from the prison two counties over back in the late 1800’s. He passed away in the barn during a gunfight with police and before we could do anything his spirit took residence in barn walls. He is quiet and can’t venture in here, so we don’t mind.

All of our days were spent in peace. Charlotte liked to watch the birds and her lovely garden from the front window, now kept up by the historical society. Abigail who passed away at eight years old from influenza would look on in excitement when other animals such as turkey came into the yard. We would sometimes hear Joanie singing in the kitchen as she gently rattled old copper pots that hung from the ceiling over the stove. Ray liked to tell silly jokes and then would nod himself off to sleep. I liked to read through old books and reveal untold lessons to my wife and daughter.

“Did you know the Liberty Bell arrived here in 1752 before the Revolutionary War?”

“Yes, dear you told us yesterday.” Charlotte rolled her eyes as I could her face in the large wall mirror. She would be looking at my daughter who would let out a giggle.

We were at peace. Then we had the intruder.

It started with the rumblings from the historical tour guides who were walking through the house one afternoon. They were in need of money to keep this house and others afloat. The interest in historical tours was not what it used to be.

They needed to do something to add a spark and “make it fun.” I found this particularly unnerving. Our house was fun. Did they not hear Joanie’s singing or my interesting anecdotes?

No apparently not, as Kara, one of the long-term guides, who was vigilant about making people wear booties, gloves and masks when entering the house continued speaking to another guide.

“We have an opportunity for The Fabulous Screamer, to do an episode in one of our homes. They particularly liked this one, felt it was full of character." Kara looked right at me over the fireplace.

“Ya mean haunted? Of all the homes on our tour this one scares the crap out of me. I swear I have heard singing in the kitchen!” replied the other guide, James.

Just then Joanie let out a big laugh which made all of us look over to the kitchen. Quickly Joanie swayed the curtains to cover her momentary lapse.

“Look we need the money. As long as they follow some basic care rules. I think it could work,” Kara pulled at her mask as she again looked over at me as if to get me approval. We have spoken before.

“The Fabulous Screamer? Isn’t that the cook with the mohawk who screams throughout the show?” James asked as he turned to get ready to leave.

“Yes, he is miserable to his staff and screams a lot, but he is supposed to be a nice guy in real life.” Kara held the door for James.

“Well let’s hope!” James closed the door behind them, and we weren’t privy to the rest of the conversation.

Several weeks later the TV crew showed up. In the beginning it was cordial although I could tell Joanie was becoming unglued as they rearranged many of her pots and pans. There was a need to make the view more pleasing for their audience. She stopped singing and held her tongue as I know she was ready to tell them off at any moment. I had spoken to everyone beforehand and explained that we needed to remain silent while they were here. It would be one episode for what they call "Netflix" and if it helped with finances so that we could continue to stay in our peaceful atmosphere, it would be worth the short-term aggravation.

It seemed like this arrangement would be acceptable until the star of show arrived. He was all in leather with blonde spiked hair. He asked his assistant for what they called an energy drink. He did pushups in the hallway and greeted everyone as they came in. He looked around the house repeating one statement,

“This place is fucking cool!"

"Look at that!"

"This place is fucking cool!”

His assistants nodded their heads in agreement like lapdogs looking for a petting.

Charlotte tried to cover Abigail’s ears by blowing on the curtains. It was indecent language, but we could still manage. I reassured them after everyone left that night it was only for one show.

The next day the crew was there early to set up. We held our tongues just as the day before. We got to hear their opinions of the star.

“He is probably going to be fucking late again!” One of the cameramen yelled across the room.

“I hope he is not drunk!” his assistant mumbled. “Where is his peach energy drink?”

Turns out the screamer was just as mean and rude off screen as when he was on camera.

Just then a newer type sports car flew up into the driveway and the star stumbled out of the driver’s seat. He made his way up the stairs as I heard his assistant cry out again about the energy drink as there was only watermelon flavor in the cooler. “Shit he is going to be pissed!”

The star walked in and immediately we could smell the alcohol on him. He demanded his drink, and when his assistant explained that all there was only watermelon and not his favored peach, we heard The Fabulous Screamer at the top of his lungs.

“That’s fucking okay Patty! I guess watermelon is the same as peach! Just like being employed is the same as being unemployed!”

Patty walked away in tears as the watermelon energy drink hit the wall and its contents dripped over the retro flowered kitchen wallpaper Joanie had picked out during her renovation. I could see her shadow holding a hand over her mouth to prevent herself from screaming.

“Let’s get this bloody show over with, I want to get the hell out of this decrepit old shack!” the star continued. The camera crew scrambled to get everything in place. They were making “an old homestead meal, New England Clam Chowder.” He laughingly pronounced, Chowder as Chowda. I saw Charlottes eyes roll in the mirror, which made me smile. By the end of the meal more food hit the walls that the The Fabulous Screamer was unhappy about. He got louder in his vocalization each time.

“These fucking potatoes are crap!"

"These aren’t clams you fucking idiot!”

There was chowder or chowda dripping from every corner of the kitchen. I didn’t even look at Joanie as I knew she must have been horrified. I kept thinking that this house has seen more difficult times than this one imbecile. We needed the money.

Finally, the show was done, and they called it a wrap. I must say we could not wait for all of them to leave even if the historical tour guide staff would have several days of cleaning from the wreckage. It would also take us time to ease our eardrums from the foul language that was screamed in our presence. The star sped off in his sports car but not before he made several rude hand gestures towards his staff. The crew followed and once again we were alone. I was the first to speak.

“That is what they watch for entertainment these days. My word! I am glad I lived during the 1700’s at this point!”

Everyone else nodded in agreement. Joanie started singing again, Charlotte and Abigail chatted about the clothes everyone wore. The wind was picking up outside which rattled the windows a bit. Ray tried to sleep as he wasn’t able to during all the excitement. We were back to our happy home.

Then we heard a sports car speeding up the drive.

The screamer was back and this time it was him and a girl clad in leather as well. Her hair was pink, and she seemed to be a screamer as well,

“This place is fucking cool!”

Once again, I could see him as the lamplight was shining in the evening hours. He stumbled out of the car and across to the house. He was carrying a bottle of vodka and must have still had a key to our home as he opened the door with ease. They first went into the washroom where I think he was regurgitating. He then came out and grabbed the girl, slamming her against a kitchen wall. They were pulling their clothes off in the kitchen and I could see Joanie in the shadows was having none of it. She looked at me and I gave her a nod.

Joanie started to scream, “GET OUT! GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!” The kitchen walls shook.

The girl quickly pushed the screamer off of her, “You didn’t tell this place was fucking haunted! I’m out of here!” With that she grabbed his keys and her clothes and ran out the front door leaving it open. We heard the car speed away.

The screamer yelled back, “Fine go, I don’t give a shit if it is haunted. I’m not moving.” He laid on the floor with vodka bottle beside him. He then sat up taking another swig and then threw the bottle against the mirror where I was able to see my beautiful Charlotte, causing a large crack. This was enough for me! I rattled the floors. He tried to stand and stumbled. I ordered him out of my house immediately. The wind was howling against the front door causing it to blow wide open. He staggered as though he was leaving and then turned when he reached the stairs.

“I’m going to sleep in your fucking bed tonight, just watch me!” He staggered up the stairs. This woke Ray whom I gave a nod of approval. As soon the screamer hit the middle stair of the grand staircase, Ray started to shake it.

“Time for you to leave sir! You have woken me from my nap!”

“I’m not going!” replied the screamer as he held on to the staircase banister.

“You know what I think I’ll take up residence here, yes I’ll live with you fucking ghosts to torment you!”

With that Ray shook the staircase as hard as he could. The screamer slid from stairs losing his grip on the mahogany banister. He tumbled over several times before hitting the marble floor of the foyer. There was blood coming out the side of his mouth and he was gurgling. We had seen death many times before and knew that he was on his way. We all watched as his breath ceased. What became more of a concern was his spiritual residency. He could not stay here. Someone who screams like him will continue in their afterlife as well. Ray knew what to do.

We could see the barn door had blown open outside.

Ray kept the front door open as he shook the floors. The screamer’s body soon took off in the high wind and through a whirlwind was sucked into the barn. Dale who lived in the barn walls would take care of the screamer.

The next day detectives determined he died from a fall and alcohol poisoning. There was no mystery.

Kara, the tour guide had cleaned up the blood and the bottle before they arrived when she found the body. She patted each wall and said thank you as she did not want him in the house either.

We were back to the quiet we had enjoyed for many years.