The Existential Woman page 9

The air conditioners were on all day in the condo. Usually, the small bedroom was ice cold from the unit running in the bedroom window, but the past few days Shanna noticed that the room wasn't at the usual coldness. The living room unit was still keeping that room very cold. So cold that she wore a sweater when she was inside. The outside was totally opposite. The temperature outside was in the high 90s on most summer days, and Shanna was miserable in that heat. She couldn't breath well, she hated sweating, and she didn't like stripping her clothing off because her soft fat was exposed to the skinny minded world's criticisms. Any summer in Florida, was just a hybernation period. A long six month stretch beginning in April and finally ending at the end of September. A miserable long stretch of unbearable heat and tolerating annoying body shaming criticisms. Shanna couldn't even find an affordable bathing suit she liked. The current prices for nice bathing suits were up to $50. She just counted the days until October. Once October arrived, the quality of her life would begin to improve. She knew that many people in the North felt this way about Winter. They thought that Florida was so perfect. They hated the long six month stretch of cold weather forcing them to wear coats and hats and scarves and gloves --- Forcing them to scrape ice off of their car windsheilds --- Forcing them to hybernate inside where it was warm and safe from icy accidents. She knew how many thought. "The grass is always greener..." she whispered to herself, "But one day, I'm going to be a Snow Bird. I'm going to live in the South from October to April, and in the North from May to September. Then I will have the best of both worlds. One day it will happen. Some day. Some day."

Shanna checked her budget and the balance on her bank account. She was very low on funds after having paid $300 for her car insurance, and after paying back last month's loan. She would not get paid again for another three weeks and she only had about $200 left. She felt nervous knowing this. Norman didn't have any extra money to help her with. His budget was extended worse than hers. She wasn't worried about food. She knew the church would help her if she needed food. She had plenty of food already. She was worried more about gas and boredom. Without gas, her expensive used vehicle would sit in park and go nowhere. Without gas and some spending money, so would she. "What's the point of paying $300 to protect my vehicle with insurance, if I'm too broke to put gas in it and go anywhere?" She began to search online for another vehicle. Would a different vehicle lower her rate? Would it cost less in gas? Was there anyway to be protected and have the money to go enjoy what you were paying for? Did everything have to be a Catch-22 insane price? "They call it inflation," she scoffed, "I call it greed and stupidity."

She looked at photographs of used cars, newer cars, and saw the current price tags. She sat alone, thinking and thinking, straining her overwhelmed and stressed mind to see if any thought could come up to make the situation any better. There was no job for her. She could not supplement her income. She had tried too many times to seek a part-time job. She'd hunted for two years, and came up with nothing. Without a way to add to her income, she could see no hope. No hope of improving her circumstances. Her greatest joys: driving, music, singing and dancing, and swimming. She knew that's all she had in life. Those joys. Those joys were the only thing that resembled anything heavenly in this life to her. Without those she had nothing. No family, no friends, no job, no purpose, no meaning, no reason to wake up in the morning. She didn't need a car to enjoy music, although driving with good music was better than singing to her cat. She didn't need a car to go swimming, but if she had to take the bus to get to a swimming hole, would she even bother?

Shanna cried. She just let it out. She sobbed for about five minutes. She remembered her mother over a decade ago who had gone through this same torment. Her mother was so depressed about the budget that she traded her good working truck for a stupid scooter, thinking in some way that would improve her life. It didn't. That decision only made her mother's life worse. Her mother drowned herself in alcohol and died shortly after that. "Am I going to repeat my mother's fate? Is this my destiny? To die in misery because of the torments of poverty?"