The Eschatology of Heaven and Heaven and Hell

It didn't matter that one had killed the other. Or why. Or that the killer died at the hands of his dying victim. All that mattered is that they found themselves at bustop. This confused them, for they knew they were dead. A bus pulled up, which read, "Pearly Gates."

"I believe this is ours," the killer said.

"I believe so," the defender agreed.

They each boarded, greeted the driver, and then sat apart. The long ride seemed like eternity.

Finally, "Disembark, please," announced the driver.

There really were gates. And they really were pearly. A bearded man in white spoke.

"You two," St. Peter said, "are on a spreadsheet comparing and contrasting you."

"And?" the defender asked.

"And--you must each tell me which Heaven you will choose."

"There isn't just one?" they both asked.

"No. See, it depends on your religion."

"Waddaya mean by that? I'm a Catholic--or was, anyway," the defender said.

"I'm kinda non-denominational, myself," confessed the killer.

"Here's the deal. One Heaven is what you were taught in Sunday school. God is all-powerful and all-just. He will judge you. You must keep His commandments. You must fear him as much as you adore him."

"Sounds like mine," the defender admitted.

"Well--there--you must atone. Be punished. Then, you're in." The defender nodded.

The other Heaven is the all-loving God. You can be the worst person ever and be forgiven. You can play pingpong with Pol Pot there if you want."

"No punishment?" asked the defender.

"Nope."

"You're kidding!"

"Sounds like my kind of God," the killer said.

"Time to choose," St. Peter said.

"I'll take the real Heaven," the defender said. "Punish me, but at least I know I'll be where I deserve."Fair is fair; it ain't fair to be with killers, thieves, and God knows who else.

"God knows," Peter said and dispatched him forthwith.

"I'll take the loving Heaven. Never had love, but I sure know what it is--the only real God that makes sense."

"Off you go. You chose correctly; the other fella just got damned to Hell. He'll get really tired of worshipping, cowering, lamenting, and all those other stupid things. Might as well be in North Korea."