The Downloads

The room was quiet, I hate it when they are quiet. A sea of people and not a peep, guess that joke bombed.

“So I said to her, I don’t know, why don’t you tell ME?” Nothing…..shit, okay, moving on.

“You know, that wasn’t the only time I took my daughter to the doctor.” Crap, that was definitely a groan, not good, switch it up man, you are losing them.

“Okay, I can see you guys are tired of the doctor jokes, I’m beginning to think this room is full of proctologists. You stare at assholes all day so we just aren’t very funny to you.” A few laughs, okay, reel them in.

“Who here has kids, raise your hand.” About half the audience puts one hand up, the rest of them either don’t have kids or don’t care about what I’m saying.

“For those of you who don’t have kids, let me clue you in, there will be…..a song. This song will be sung approximately 4000 times per week for several months. Serious face There is NOTHING you can do to get away from this song.”

Audience knowingly laughs a small amount

“You can hide the remote, you can break the DVD, you can remove every so-called smart device from your home, this song will remain. For my youngest daughter it was the dreaded song about the shark…it was a kid shark if you know what I mean” I pointed at a member of the audience “AY, you! If the words baby and shark come out of your mouth we are through here, you hear me?”

Audience is really laughing now

“See, I’m doing you a favor by telling you about THE song. You need to be prepared because this song, whatever it’s going to be, will break you.”

Mild laughter from the audience.

“Oh, you think I’m joking, ha ha ha…” I put on my serious look and said in a deadpan voice, “Dude, there are no jokes when it comes to THE song.

I started pacing across the stage. “I once saw a grown man in the grocery store. He was one of those manly man types. He had that soldier look going on. Buzzcut, huge muscles, this here was the DEFINITION of a manly man!” I stopped pacing and softened my voice “He had this small little girl with him, she was dressed like a princess, a princess riding in the front of the cart surveying all of her land….sweet right? “

Some yeah’s from the audience

“Yeah”, I laughed a little, “then she sang”, I threw my arms out one at a time, “Let it go, let it go” ….and I kid you not, this manly man turned to this little girl and with tears in his eyes said please for the love of God, let that SONG go!”

Audience laughter

“See, he was broken by THE song.”

More laughs

“And that isn’t the only thing about kids that will break you! Oh no, they get a download in the womb on 101 ways to break your parents.”

Audience snickers and laughs

“Now I don’t remember getting this download, I believe it’s a government conspiracy that they come and wipe your brain at age 5.”

Audience giggles, I wave my arms

“But that’s okay, because they download a new class when you hit five called Ways to Embarrass my Parent.”

More laughter from audience

“See when they are young and babies; everything they do is just adorable!”

Some snickers from the crowd

“I see we have some doubters in the crowd. Okay, let me put it this way”, in a baby voice I said “ the wittle baby spits up its milk and everyone is like awe, you poor thing, do you have an upset belly? Oh come here, I’ll make it all better.”

Audience giggles

“Then we hold the child, we comfort them, and we do everything possible to make them feel better, right?”

Agreeable sounds from the audience

“Now I want you to fast forward 21 years to Saint Patrick’s day and that same baby is now blowing chunks of free hot dogs and green beer out of his mouth and nose.”

Audience groans in disgust and laughs

“Ain’t NOBODY think he’s cute at that point!” I have a disgusted look on my face and I shiver

The crowd laughs hard.

“Now, back to the ways to embarrass my parent download. There are many, many ways our children can embarrass us, hell, I did it to my own mother! “

Surprised laughter from the audience.

“See, my mom is dyslexic. When you are 5 you don’t really know what that means. So, my mother, bless her heart, told me it meant she couldn’t read letters like other people could”.

Dramatic pause

“It was a good explanation for a five-year-old right?”

Crowd murmured their agreement.

“So, let’s say this five-year-old then had a teacher who said we had to learn our letters OR we wouldn’t be able to read. Can’t. Read. Letters. Means. You. Can’t. Read!”

Audience gasps and giggles

“Oh yea, I told my first-grade teacher my mom couldn’t read.”

Massive laughter from the audience

“Oh, come on, like you haven’t done worse?” looks disapprovingly at the audience.

More audience laughter.

“My first-grade teacher was awesome, she was one of those teachers that really just wanted to help, like when she called my house that night and offered to help teach my mother how to read.”

Peels of uncontrollable laughter from the audience.

“Yup, that actually happened.”

More laughter from the audience, after it died down I said

“Thankfully my mother understood that this woman’s heart was in the right place.” I giggled

“She patiently explained that while she was dyslexic she could in fact read and that she was a corporate Vice President at one of the largest banks in the world……yeah….my bad, my bad!” holds up hands in self defense

Audience laughs

“Let’s fast forward to the program your kids get when they are 11. I call it the I know everything, you know nothing, and you are making my life miserable, download.”

Audience Laughter.

“I’ve tried to shorten the name, but it really does require all of those words and it’s rather self-explanatory. The name kind of steals the punchline don’t you think?”

Audience laughs in agreement

“So I’ll move onto the download at 18, I call this one the Oh Shit download.“

Audience gives a lighthearted laugh

“This is by far my favorite download. I smiled a mile wide when this one hit!” Comic laughs

Audience laughs too

“This is where your little adorable spit up baby realizes that although they are still children the LAW feels otherwise.”

Audience giggles

Miming talking to my son “Oh, you need to go to the dentist? You should probably make that appointment soon then, you’re over 18, I can’t make those for you anymore. What? Surprised look on my face You need your high school transcripts, I can try and find that phone number for you, maybe you should just try google? Why yes, I was aware that rent costs that much and that eating at home IS cheaper than eating out!”

Audience starts to giggle

I belt out an evil laugh “Muhahahahahahaha”

Audience laughs very hard

“I’ve been working on my evil villain laugh; how did I do?”

Audience claps and cheers

“Ha, yeah, I love that Oh Shit download, it is epically awesome! Holds up one finger There is only one thing more awesome. Watching your adult child begging their own child to stop singing THAT song.”

Audience laughs very hard.

“Thanks everybody, you’ve been great, Good night!”

Audience gives a standing ovation and cheers as the comic walks off the stage