The Dive

“Do you even care about me or only about yourself?” A dish shatters against the wall as Carissa trembles. “I do everything for you. Anything to make you happy. I bend myself over backwards to give you such a good life.”

The monster paces the kitchen with a storm of wrath swirling around his face. She knots her fingers together as a wave of anxiety crashes over her. 

“God damn it, Rissa,” the monster sweeps the contents off the counter onto the floor. A candle rolls under the table as she closes her eyes, heart pounding hard enough to break a rib as she tries to keep her teeth from clattering. 

“You are selfish and you don’t know how good you have it. You don’t have the guts to make it in this world without me.” The monster’s words pierce her as she flees the room. Her feet pound on the wooden staircase as she races into her bedroom, straight into the walk-in closet. The monster is moments away from finding her hiding spot. 

“Dear Lord, please make me invisible,” she whispers as tears cascade down her cheeks. Her wish vanishes as throws the closet door open.

“Ha! You are hiding. Are you too scared to face what you have done?” Hands grab her arms and pull her into the lamplit bedroom. Her back hits the chest at the end of the bed and she gasps in pain. His eyes harden. 

“That didn’t even hurt. Get up, you are being ridiculous!” She stands up, keeping her eyes trained on her bright pink toes. Painted earlier on the dock with the sunshine warming her as she basked in the peace of their weekend place. It’s hard to believe that happiness lived insider her only hours ago. 

“Now, I’m going to ask you one more time. Who’s fault is it?” 

Biles rises in her throat as her face heats with shame. “It’s mine,” she whispers. 

“I work hard for you, Rissa. I do everything I can to provide you with a wonderful home and a steady life. All I ask is that you remember to do things. And that you speak to me with no attitude. My life is stressful enough without you adding to the pile.” 

She closes her eyes and imagines she is sitting next to the ocean. The sun is hot on her neck and a seagull calls overhead as the waves lap at the shore. She imagines pressing her feet into the sun-kissed sand and being alone. Her husband runs through his default monologue. He thrives on telling her how stupid she is, how worthless she is, and how she should be lucky to be his wife. Next comes the part where he tells her she is cold and she doesn’t love him as much as he deserves to be loved. She knows every word at this point. She’s heard it enough times. 

“Answer me” He shakes Carissa from her dream of sitting on the empty beach and isn’t sure what part of the monologue he is on. Propelled by the fear thrumming insider her, she leaps up and exits through the door. He is close at her heels. 

She turns and sees her husband standing before her. Her husband, the monster, who has for the past 9 years, sucked every joy from her and bathed her in fear. A stranger stands before her where a source of love and comfort should be. Something inside of her shatters at this realization. Fire ignites in her veins and her anger roars. Confidence buried deep within her pumps through her body, forcing her to stand tall.

She stops and spins in front of the stairs, feeling the fear evaporating from her pores. Standing tall, looking him right in the eye, she tells him “Back off” 

“Excuse me?” He’s smiling now. He thinks this is a game. A game that she will lose. Marriage isn’t a game. He must have missed that memo. There is no winner or loser. She swallowed these facts down for years and now she’s done letting him run the show and control the rules. She married him to create a life together, not to allow him to take the wheel and steer her away from her path. He has spent years deconstructing her, and she has become a ghost in her own life. 

“I know you’re upset about it. I get it, but I’m a human and I made a mistake. Big deal. It happens.” 

“Upset? I’m not upset, I’m embarrassed that my wife couldn’t do just one damn thing for me!” His face is so contorted with anger, she doesn’t recognize him. A shred of the strong woman she was is replacing the scared wife who shrinks back at wrathful tones and cowers when he leans over her.

“Yelling at me and insulting me doesn’t roll the hands of time back. Let’s just calm down and discuss this tomorrow after emotions have cooled.” 

“You think you are so smart, don’t you, Rissa?” He releases a huff and she can tell he wasn’t expecting her to speak up for herself. The woman buried deep within her always stood up for herself and held no qualms about speaking her mind. Years of abuse and gaslighting have pushed down her feminine strength.

She shakes her head, feeling suffocated by the sadness swelling within her. What options does she have right now? Leaving the house will cause him to follow her. She could-

She feels the push at the same moment she realizes she is falling down the stairs. Her body slams to the ground as she feels an aching pain in her arm. Tears leak down her cheeks as she sees him standing over her. 

“Love and support, that’s all I need. I don’t need to hear your smart ass mouth. Mistakes are no excuse. I asked you a month ago to take care of it!” 

She notices a hammer poking out of the toolbag he carried in from the garage. She imagines picking it up, feeling its weight, and cracking it against his skull. This monster before her would never harm her again.

Instead, she stands up as the pain stabs her body. Ears muffled, but she knows he is still speaking. She opens the door and flees into the October night. The breeze is cool against her skin as she feels the last strength that she had to flee from her body. 

Who knew that not making it to the bank before closing time would wreck her life?

The dock creaks as she runs down the length of it. With each beat, her heart sends pain pumping through her body. The monster is calling her name. She thinks about how the next morning, he will blame her for making him angry. He will shake his head and look at her like she’s crazy when she tells him he pushed her down the stairs. Pretend sorrow in his eyes as he suggests psychiatric help. Promises for marriage counseling that would never come to fruition. Declarations of love and promises to communicate better. The monster will curl back up inside of him until she commits the next invisible crime. She is chained to a wheel that spins her through a cycle of abuse and pretend love. There is a solution pushing into her brain as she reaches the end of the dock.

The evening breeze caresses her exposed skin as she watches the moon emerge behind a cloud. She hears the monster on the dock as she spreads her arms wide and dives to her tranquility.