The Diary of the Broken Kid Who Grew into Insanity

The Beginning:

My life for the first few years was normal, loving family, child innocence, stress free as any childhood starts. Soon that changed the day my mother left our loving home over a small dispute my father had with her, he had a crucifix which was special to him. Yet my mother took it upon herself to screw him over by ripping it apart just because of her ego and childish decisions even though she had her children to be responsible of, yet she chose to do things for her own benefit. She would always talk about my father in horrible ways, but they seem to forget when they were broke and homeless my dad provided for them just like any man would.

He helped them when he only owed my mother that since she was pregnant with my older brother. My mother kept making my dad run in circles looking for us since she always kept us hidden just because he refused to give her one-hundred dollars even though she at that point had another boyfriend that knocked her up and provided for her selfish ignorant self. Around this time my aunt took advantage of me even though we were the same age she sexually assaulted me, and it traumatized me, yet my grandma defended her and made me look like I was crazy. She never liked me and treated me horribly, and I could do was cry myself to sleep wishing I was with my father instead.

For years my father looked for us until one day he found us and my mother being petty decided to call the cops on him and involved us in her own personal petty feuds when all my father wanted was to see us. I can’t stand petty ex-girlfriends that use their children as weapons towards fathers that’s the lowest you can ever go yet it happens. There are also more things she did towards me, she gave me the scar on my eyebrow just because I refused to sleep on the floor. She cared more about her boyfriends than her own children, she will make me sit and eat on the floor just because her dear boyfriend didn’t like me. I never did anything to them but yet I got treated like an animal and I thought that was normal. I would get my things taken away that my father will give to me and he made minimum wage and barely had enough for rent yet he never involved us just like a parent should do. Even with everything he dealt with he still took care of, my brother, sister, and me. He gave me this big plushie of Spider-Man he handmade since I was 3 to keep to remind me of him whenever my mom got petty again and kept us away from him.

One day her boyfriend threw it away, he grabbed it and ripped it to shreds in front of me and with the anger a 11-year-old can muster, I attacked him and I got beaten to a bloody pulp crying for my dad to save me. The day after my mother put me and my brother in a behavioral hospital, how ironic right? After 2 weeks of mistreatment and being drugged to the point of numbness we were released to be obedient little dogs. After all that I was maintaining my composure since at a young age I knew my father dealt with a lot and I shouldn’t burden him with mine, so I opened up to one of my closest friends, Kevin. We both knew each other since we were 9 and like a coincidence we moved nearby and attended the same school. Sadly, we both wanted to join a gang and always hung out with gangbangers after school. For him it was everything, for me it was an escape of my miserable life. We also had a mutual friend that got killed due to gun violence by a rival gang and it took a toll on us.

This context I important because a week after I got out the hospital, he invited me to hang out with him in the nearby woods. As we walked in deeper than we normally do he looked me right in my eyes and said, “I need to avenge Edwin, he would’ve done the same I asked the gangbangers for help, and they said they will when I finish my initiation.” Before I could even react, I heard a click and the chamber of a loaded gun pressed against my head, it felt cold. I looked at him and pleaded with him that killing me won’t help we can do this together, yet he refused to listen, and I just went on a rant waiting for the perfect opportunity to charge him. I struck a nerve by saying “Edwin wouldn’t save nor avenge you he was my friend you were just with us out of pity” Of course we didn’t have this level of language but it’s just for those who can’t comprehend street talk. It made him angry and distracted enough for me to push him onto the floor, after a small struggle I grabbed the gun and kicked him on his side since I’ve always been stronger than normal. I pointed the gun right at him and everything became blurry, I wasn’t angry, just disappointed. He pleaded with me to let him go but he was going to kill me without a second thought not even a minute ago. I knew the moment I pull the trigger the gang was going to be after me, I would become a target and my family would too. That’s not even counting the trouble my brother already caused to them. As he was ugly crying snot and tearing running down his face without a second thought, I pulled the trigger putting a whole straight into his eye towards the back of his hollowed brain scattered head. As he dropped blood pouring out as his body stiffen and twitched, I saw something from behind a tree, a man. A man with a suit just staring at the scene when I blinked again, he was gone.

I told myself at the time that it must’ve been my imagination and I dragged my friend’s lifeless body deeper in the woods and buried him by digging a hole with a tree branch. Not even a month later they found his body but couldn’t find the culprit, so it was deemed as a kidnaped murder victim situation. The gang knew I did it they just didn’t snitch just so they had an excuse to be able to kill me. I felt numb or years we moved away a couple months after because of everything happening and since my brother was the favorite, my mom wanted him out the gangs and moved to force him to leave, even though that didn’t work. We got kicked out of school in that neighborhood, so we had to move regardless but my brother caused it to happen. He stole iPads, got into fights with kids over disrespecting the local gang he was in, I of course didn’t make it any better I just fought to fight I found fun in it. During this time my mother met this bum gangbanger she decided to hook up with and date. We lived in a nice apartment up until he stopped working and making up excuses to not work, we went hungry, without warm water, no clean clothes, no electricity it wasn’t a good way to live. Yet my mother put her 5 children through all that just over some dude she didn’t even know fully.

In the winter my siblings and me cuddled for warmth while these two “adults” partied for the whole night leaving us on our own without any food. They got drunk and did drugs together, I had to see them smoking crack while we all starved for not eating for days while they spent all their money acting like childish adults with no responsibilities. This kept up until my little brother was born into the life of two irresponsible adults. Still after he was born, they kept doing it and to make things worse this sick despicable bastard molested my younger sisters. When I found out I felt an emotion I haven’t felt in a very long time, as I stood over him with a gun on his temple he cried like a little bitch for forgiveness. You could guess what happened next, I got tackled and grabbed by my mother who protected this sick disgusting fat bastard and kicked me out of the house. I was 13 and homeless, and I stayed this way for a year until another close friend to me helped me and his parents took care of me. One day I’m guessing a former classmate of his stole his mother’s rent money and I got blamed for it. I told them “I would never do this to you people you are my family you are all I have.” With tears in my eyes and they seemed indifferent which broke me completely and later that night I snuck out on my own with all my things again I told my friend as an excuse that my mom needs me just so he wouldn’t worry. Throughout this I was also helping out my girlfriend since she was in a bad spot by giving her any food or money, I earned to make sure she was okay. I’m not going to lie I did love her, but it also helped me by giving me an excuse that she needs me, so I have to be better which was for my own sanity to prevent me from losing it.

The Change:

One month after I turned 15 I moved to Indiana with my older brother, he was living with his girlfriend at the time and offered me a place to stay for free. I said yes without hesitation to escape not knowing I put myself into a even worse spot. My brother kept blowing job interviews and I showed up to one that was meant for him but in my mind I had a responsibility to take care of someone which was my girlfriend. When I got there I told the boss “I need a job, I know you want my brother but I am more reliable and I won’t miss once.” She stared at me and showed me around and gave me the job to work that day she even jokingly said “Promise me you will return to school once you make enough money” I smiled and nodded, I was finally feeling at peace.

Working there I met two people who became very close friends of mine meanwhile things at my brother’s house started to get more toxic. I was given this puppy that his girlfriend abused badly, and I was making the puppy be happier and more playful. It was a pretty much normal year working there, good boss, good coworkers, and even though I worked 11 hours 6 days a week it was the best, also since it kept me outside the toxic household. Of course I took care of my dog so it wasn’t much to worry about. Remember that offer they gave me to stay for free? It turned into paying $200 dollars a week into $1600 a month since they spent all their money on trash for themselves. I said I would not help them they decided to call the cops to kick me out so now being 16 I almost got jumped by 2 cops because my brother and his girlfriend decided to be petty and very narcissistic and non-caring. The two guys that became my friends helped me, they offered me a place to stay, paying rent of course, and helped me move my things sadly they kept my dog and used it against me. I regret it fully leaving her there alone, she was sold for $10 the week later and got beaten and killed by the gangbanger they sold it too. During this time my girlfriend stressed me daily and argued with me, I truly believe it was because of my brother’s girlfriend who came onto me, and I rejected so she decided to sabotage my relationship and yet I stayed strong for her sake.

After moving in with my friends I felt true peace, no arguments, homemade food, it felt like I was finally at home. I met this girl at work, a waitress shorter than anything she could’ve easily been below 4’8. We talked a lot she flirted with me, but I had to brush her off a few times because I was taken, one day we talked and she asked me why haven’t I made any moves on her. My love for my girlfriend might’ve been my biggest undoing because of future events but I rejected her even though I was slowly taking a liking towards her I knew it was wrong, I also wanted to prove my parents wrong that a relationship can be strong and loving for years to come which was my obsession of my relationship thinking it would last and be worth it in the end. My relationship was toxic, but I was blinded by love to truly see it, I would get phone calls during my shift that made me break down because my girlfriend heartlessly decided to ruin my day and shell go to sleep without a second thought leaving me up stressed and upset throughout my whole year working. I never share my experiences because like my father I was too prideful to ask for help or even consider opening up to other people. The day I turned 16 my dad called me asking for help and I instinctively said yes and told everybody I’m leaving. I regretted that even more for the first time in my life I got hugged, celebrated, they even cried due to my departure it made my heart warm. I should’ve never left them my boss made me promise “In five years you will be the doctor you wanted to be, we are proud of you dear please take care of yourself we all love you and if I ever need to get checked I’ll call you my personal favorite doctor” it made me cry and I hugged everyone goodbye and before I left they told me “Once you're 21 please visit us! We’ll have a drink!” I felt true happiness for the first time in my life but shortly after it became a nightmare. It was a long drive to my father’s place, my friend drove me, and I felt heartbroken knowing I won’t see him in a while, Garry, John, and Teresa were the grandparents anybody would wish to have and now I miss them dearly.

I can go on about what happened for the next 2 years, but it was just a cycle of depression stress and toxicity, we lived in a house with roommates who worked with us and they always brought crackheads did heavy drugs and it was a very horrible environment. Me and my father both avoided it all, but they will drag us into it because that’s just how horrible and disgusting these people were. My supervisor drove me into depression he was passive aggressive and since he acted like he was my friend I too what he said to heart and also being a 16-year-old after leaving a job where everyone cared about me made me expect the same everywhere else which sadly wasn’t the case. My girlfriend soon after moved in but by everything I dealt with I was heavy into smoking to numb myself and cutting daily. After I turned 17, I did something nobody thought they could do and I took over the lease and became sole renter of the place we stayed at. Our boss wanted to set some kind of show that shows he’s in charge by ending the lease and kicking everyone out, but little did he know I would be smarter than the normal rats in the race and set up to rent the house on my own with my father and girlfriend. I won’t bore you with the details just normal arguments, problems, working, and daily routine.

This went on for 2 years until I was 19 and me and my girlfriend decided to have a polyamorous relationship, we had an old ex of mine join our relationship and it was good at first only. After a while tension rose and they would make me stay home to resolve issues which put a strain on my income and my work. My work ethic dropped daily fights drained me and mental games made me despise everything and everyone. I got fired from a couple jobs due to them making it impossible to get to work or even concentrate on work, I was very low mentally and I wanted an escape until one day it all changed. They both made me have amental break down due to accusations and lies, they claimed that I forced a three-way relationship when they both agreed to it themselves and basically made me carry burdens they held to make themselves the victims, I blacked out and ended in a mental hospital. I regret ever hurting them in any shape or form I felt like shit even though I did nothing but try to do right by them. They made me cry, feel little, made me feel emasculated and then mocked me for being emotionally unstable when they drove me to break down for a full year of constant stress and problems. I was made to seem crazy and a part of me died I told one of the exes to leave as soon as she can since I can’t no longer be with someone who is as childish as her, she promised she would change or what not but only did that so she can have the final laugh by leaving me first which she did. I felt distraught by the fact she betrayed my trust, begged me to trust her just so she can leave the next day, and constantly lie to me. My girlfriend used it against me especially since she was pregnant and just made me feel like I was worthless. After my son was born, I still felt anger and pure ignorance because of what was done to me, so I kept myself busy with my work only up until I go fired for missing a lot since I had to be home to care for my child. I was jobless for a while using my savings to pay for bills and necessities until me and my girlfriend got into an argument. I was fed up told her I’m done with the lies and to leave my home, but she wouldn’t and started to use my son as a weapon and I just gave up and locked myself in my room and she was trying to force herself inside trying to press my buttons not knowing I stopped caring. She called the cops and falsely accused me of being abusive I got arrested shortly after and arrested for a few days, I only got released since I paid my bond which was over $1,500 over something I was wrongfully arrested for. After I got home something in me was slowly changing in me but I didn’t know what it was, I was becoming crazy.

The End or New Beginning?:

I was jobless for a year while my girlfriend took care of things, I started working on myself raising our child and found out we are having a second child. By then we had a semi normal life my mother found someone better and became a better person but a little too late. Even though I didn’t work my girlfriend and father kept everything good for a while since I took care for the yearly rent. I found the molester after all this time, and he had a nice send off at the end of his miserable life. By the time my baby was nearly born my emotions have nearly disappeared, I only felt numbness especially after making sure he got what he deserved but one thing hasn’t changed, that guy in a suit was watching from afar again and disappeared soon after. I question who he might be or represent but I told myself I might just be schizophrenic, and I have it checked out at the hospital later.

A week afterwards I started organizing underground fights to tame my urge to fight and kill even though I wish I wasn’t this way it’s like it’s impossible to not think about violence or hurting people. I couldn’t feel no emotions, but pure euphoria and it was confirmed just a couple nights ago. I couldn’t sleep I kept seeing something watching me in my sleep contorting into creatures even on the face on my soon to be wife. I didn’t get mad, angry, nor scared I was simply irritated since the pressure of this entity in my room caused on my body didn’t let me sleep. I was forcing myself to fall asleep up until I found it historical. As I started laughing out of blissful ignorance, I couldn’t feel any longer. No happiness, no sadness, just pure ignorance. I was checked out later that day and turns out I have gone insane without knowing it myself, well if anybody did they wouldn’t know nor tell the difference anyways.

I can’t feel any empathy towards animals nor people alike, last night my cat dug a hole into my couch I wasn’t even mad, first thought on my mind was, “This couch cost money while this cat cost me nothing, yet I pay for its wrong doings.” I beat him without holding back but those 3 punches weren’t pulled. I cracked his leg, and he was paralyzed temporarily while crying out in meows hissing but knowing it couldn’t defend itself against someone as mentally sick and insane as me. As he cried out in fear, pain, and sadness, I felt nothing just like that guy I nearly crippled while he pleaded with me to stop, of course that didn’t stop me, but my mind told me the morally right thing to do as someone who’s looking in towards a situation like this was to give up my animals for adoption. I couldn’t control myself or more like I couldn’t stop myself because it never felt wrong so to avoid hurting any animals or others, I just avoid the situation as a whole. My cats that were with me since I was merely a teenager in the journey of life were gone, I felt nothing when hurting people or animals when before I wouldn’t even dare to yell at a mouse, yet I felt nothing when I gave them away. When my family leaves, I know I will feel absolutely nothing, I guess that’s what happens when a person breaks or maybe I have always been this way living a lie making myself believe I was always a good person. If I really am as bad as everyone told me my whole life, so be it.