The Creature That Captured Us

This was my first vacation with my wife and kids. I hated traveling. I loathed airplanes. I tried to talk my wife out of going, but she threatened me with divorce.

The plane taxied.

"The airplane’s moving. The plane’s god damn moving," I loudly whispered into my wife's ears.

"It's ok, the plane’s supposed to move. It's going to find a good spot to take off and then we’re going to start flying. And I know you're stressed, but watch your language in front of the kids, please," my wife calmly said.

"You mean the plane hasn't started flying yet?" I asked.

My wife placidly smiled, dug around in her purse, then handed me a pill.

"Take that," she said.

"Why, what is it? It's not going to put me to sleep, is it? I want to be awake to make sure this flight is safe," I asked.

"No, it's just a Xanax, Jerry. It will help you calm down," she said.

I asked the flight attendant for a shot of whisky and took the pill.

“You’re not supposed to take that with alcohol,” my wife said.

“Don’t care. I needed a drink,” I said.

“You’re setting a bad example for the kids Jerry,” my wife condescended.

“Kids, don’t drink. There, I fixed the problem,” I said and chuckled. My wife grunted and gave me a disapproving look.

“Don’t be pejorative,” I said and smiled.

“Don’t be obtuse,” she replied.

My oldest kid came running back to his seat and shouted, "Daddy, daddy. I just took a peek at the pilot. He's an alien."

"Don’t talk like that in front of your younger brother, you’ll freak him out,” I said

“I’m not scared. Aliens are cool,” my youngest said.

“Jerry, I think you’re the only one freaking out here,” my wife said.

“Gee, thanks honey,” I said and smiled. I looked at my oldest and said, “I didn't even know you left. Next time let me know before you get up. It’s my job to keep everyone safe, I can’t do that if I don’t know where you are. Get back in your seat and put your belt on," I snapped.

"But Dad, the seat belt sign isn't even on," he said.

Just then, the seat belt sign flashed on. I turned to my kid and smiled. He rolled his eyes.

"Attention, passengers. Prepare for takeoff," The pilot said in an oddly scratchy voice. The plane sped up and lifted off.

Planes usually slowed down after they reached the sky. This one didn't. It kept going faster and faster. I looked out the window and it seemed we were in space. But we couldn't possibly be in space, could we?

"Dad, I think we're in space," my older son whispered.

"Sshhh, I'm sure the pilot knows what he's doing," I said.

"Attention passengers. You’re being transferred to a new home planet. You're being taken to a zoo. Please remain calm," The pilot's scratchy voice announced.

People chuckled because they thought he was joking. Then the plane sped up again and the force of gravity pinned us against our seats.

“I freaking told you,” my oldest managed to say, despite the force of gravity keeping his jaw mostly in place.

“See, honey, I told you this trip was a bad idea,” I, too, managed to say. My wife somehow managed to find the strength to lift her hand and put her middle finger in the air.

The plane finally slowed down. I looked out the window and we were most definitely in space, surrounded by giant, slow-moving space rocks. My oldest forced his way past his mother and climbed over my lap to look out the window.

“Oh, cool. Meteors,” my oldest said loudly.

“You do realize we’re being taken to a space zoo, right?” I said.

“Yeah, that sounds fun. I’ll act like a monkey. I’ll wave my arms around and entertain all the aliens,” my oldest said and started making monkey noises and waving his hands in the air.

“Yeah, me too, daddy. I always wanted to live in a zoo,” my youngest said.

“See what you’ve done?” I said bluntly.

“Oh, relax Jerry. It can’t be that bad. I’m sure they’ll take care of us, ” my wife tried to assure me.

“Hello, do the words space zoo mean nothing to you? This isn’t a joke. Look honey, we’re in space,” I said.

“Space is awesome,” my oldest said, still in my lap and looking out the window.

“Yes, when observing from Earth. Or even from an Earth space ship, like Space X or NASA. NOT an alien airplane,” I shouted.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down,” a passing flight attendant said.

“Or what?” I asked and stood up.

“Look, we have plenty of you human animals on board to entertain the zoo guests. We have no problem sending you out to space,” she said.

“Are you serious? You’re on the aliens side. What’s wrong with you lady? They're taking you to the zoo, too!” I said.

“No. They’re not,” she said. She took off her human face and underneath was a weird looking green and yellow, scale-covered face with large black eyes and a huge nose. Her tongue left her mouth and she used it to lick her eyeballs.

“Please sir, remain calm, keep your voice low, and stay in your seat. Or else we’ll send you out there,” the alien attendant said and pointed out the window.

“Ok Dad, now I’m officially scared. Please don’t yell anymore,” my oldest son said.

“Everything will be ok,” I said and gave him a hug.

“Yes, for you kids, everything will be ok. I brought you with me when I came to this planet to catch a human. I didn’t want you spoiling the surprise for your father so I told both of you that you were his kids. Try taking off your faces, boys,” my wife said.

“What the hell are you talking about, honey?” I said.

The kids took off their faces and they looked just liked the flight attendant.

“Oh god,” I said. My wife took off her face too.

“What the hell?” I shouted.

“Why do you think I pushed so hard for this vacation?” She asked.

“You bitch,” I said loudly.

I saw the flight attendant approaching.

“Sorry, I’ll be quiet,” I said.

“Final warning, ma’am,” the flight attendant said.

“I’m a sir,” I said.

“I can’t tell you humans apart. You all look the same to me,” the attendant said and walked away.

“You bitch,” I whispered to my wife.

“Watch your language in front of the kids,” she said.

“You just said they’re not even my kids,” I said.

“I let you raise them, didn’t I?” She said.

“That’s not even the point” I said and my face started to get red. I didn’t want to get kicked into space so I took a breath and looked out the window with who I used to think was my oldest kid.

“Don’t worry Dad, I’ll come visit you in the zoo every day,” my oldest said.

I smiled and said “Thank you. That’s a very nice offer.”

The plane eventually landed.

“To all our new residents at the zoo, we really hope you enjoy your new home. We tried to make the habitat just like Earth,” the pilot announced.

“Great,” I said and decided to stay on the plane a little longer.

“You can stay on the plane as long as you want. It’s part of your new enclosure,” my wife said and her new face made a very strange smile.

“Gee, thanks. And don’t call me honey,” I said, put my face in my palms and started crying.

“It’s ok, daddy, we’re here for you. We’ll be here during visiting hours,” my oldest said.

“Thanks,” I said through tears. I looked out the window at the surrounding enclosure.

“I guess it is kind of nice,” I said and smiled.