The Conscious One

With my gaze set on the sky, I watched as the sun fought it’s way through the smog. Its rays struck the ash with such force that its only option was to surrender. I was surprised to see it win. Especially after witnessing it lose every day for the past week.

Was it a week?

I can’t remember.

The concept of time has become almost impossible to gage.

My attention was stolen from the sky by a rustle near the flowers. They used to bloom the most heavenly white buds until somebody ruined them. Who in their right mind throws garish red paint over another person’s rose bush?

I would tell my mum about the vandals, but she hasn’t been speaking to me lately. She hasn’t been speaking at all if I’m to be frank. After I got sick she ate some lollies. A lot of lollies actually. Now she’s just…hollow.

I tried to call out to whoever was lurking only to be slapped by the reality of my illness. I had recently lost my voice and couldn’t manage more than a raspy moan. I thought I was getting a bit better, but that was no more than wishful thinking.

Luckily, the creature responded with a whimper.

Oh a doggy!

Despite my fragile knees I got down onto all fours and dug through the bush. Cries from the pup grew louder as I drew near.

“Little doggy,” I imagined saying out loud, “It’s okay. I’m a friend. I just want to play.”

Before I had the chance to get a proper look at the dog it made a dash for the hole in the fence. My heart sank a little. Mum always warned me that I needed to practice being gentle. I never meant to come across as intense or obnoxious, but I was constantly standing on other people’s toes.

That was until I met the girl with the heart locket.

I didn’t know her name. She never mentioned it. Not that I think it would make much of a difference; I could barely remember my own name. That doesn’t matter though. I was always able to recognize her from the rustic glint around her neck.

I also had pretty jewelry once. Those days were hard to remember now.

The girl with the heart locket was the only person who played with me in recent days. Our favourite game was tag. She always won though I’d hardly say it was fair. The only reason she had such a lengthy winning streak was because of the help she had from her dad. He would always come and take my friend away. Then I wouldn’t see her for a while.

Maybe he’s jealous. Maybe he wants to play too. I’m not sure. Adults are confusing.

The family spent all their time shut inside the little yellow weatherboard. It always was my favourite house on the street – it looked like something out of a storybook. White planks framed the structure creating an illusion similar to that of lace trim. Perhaps the most definitive feature – the part that you couldn’t stop your eyes from beelining to – was the garden. Until we moved in across the road I wasn’t aware so many flowers could exist. It had to be the doing of fairies; surely. I used to sit on my porch all summer long in hopes to catch a glimpse of them at work.

In recent times the garden became no more than a reflection of the sky above.

I think the fairies must’ve left.

I had tried going over to visit the locket house, but that only lead to the windows getting boarded. I didn’t mean to be so forceful. I just found it difficult to cope when nobody came outside to play anymore.

As if my daydreams had manifested, I spun on my heels eagerly at the sound of commotion. It was the girl with the heart locket. She was digging through the neighbors wastebins. She did this a lot, but I’m a good friend so I didn’t judge her too harshly.

My attention was drawn down to her left hand where she clench her fist around a plastic toy. The sight jogged an old memory of mine. I could recall owning something similar a long time ago.

The girl turned to look at me with an innocent smile. She held out the toy so that I could get a clear view. It was shaped like her. They had the same scruffy auburn hair and it also wore no shoes.

Struggling to communicate, I pointed over to my house.

“Oh,” her voice was shaky, “D-do you like to play with dolls too?”

I gave a nod.

I sensed her nerves come to an ease, “Did you want to show me?”

Once again I managed to nod my response. I walked across the lawn towards my front porch with the girl trailing behind me. As I began to enter the doorframe, she stopped dead. At first I was confused as to what the matter was.

“I’m not so sure about this,” the girl twiddled her thumbs.

I winced, causing a splash of guilt to ripple through her eyes.

“My dad wouldn’t like this.”

Instinctively, my hand extended to meet hers. The girl jerked backwards, but gave in when she realised I meant no harm. She eased herself into my grip and gave my hand a squeeze in return.

I can’t explain it, but whenever the pair of us played I felt a piece of my healthy-self return. It was as if the smog in my mind had lost the battle entirely to my internal sunshine.

She bit her lip, “Oh okay, but we can’t be long! I need to get home before my dad wakes up and realises I’m gone.”

A part of me envied how much her dad cared about her. Maybe my mum would still feel the same way about me if I was healthy too.

I could feel the beat of her heart pulsing throughout her body as the warmth from her hand consumed me. Beads of sweat slowly began to pool between our palms whilst I welcomed her inside. I lead her down the corridor beyond the front door. I wish I had a voice so I could apologise for the power outage; it must not have left a pleasant first impression.

As we entered my room the girl dropped my hand and ran towards a tiny wooden house without a second thought. I had never seen her so happy. People come and steal from our house a lot. I couldn’t be more thankful that they didn’t find value in my old toys.

It had been a while since I had come inside myself. Taking a look around I was able to soak in the not-so-welcoming details plastered over the walls. The girl must have caught me staring.

“I got sick. It wasn’t nice. But I’m better now,” is what I imagined myself explaining. Though no such words were ever spoken between us.

“You don’t need to be embarrassed. Our house has seen better days too. We still have the stains in the carpet from when my mum…” she crouched down and drew her attention back to the dollhouse, “This change of scenery is refreshing.”

I paced towards her to get a better look at what she was doing. She had set up her doll among mine so peacefully; the plastic girls were living the dream in their little world. It was nice to play pretend like this sometimes.

The floor boards creaked, but I paid it no mind. Mum walks around a lot. Especially whenever I managed to bring a new friend home. I kind of like it because it’s the only time she notices me. Just like the old days when she’d bring us snacks while we play.

The girl with the locket didn’t hear her though.

She always beat me at tag, but her skills didn’t stack against my mum…

I wish my mum would still play with me like she did with the girl with the locket…

Hey. Who threw that paint all over my dollhouse? No fair. These vandals are getting out of hand.