The Chocolate Cake

"Table for four please", I mumbled as I clumsily shoved my keys in my bag. It is still early, I have a few minutes before my friends get here to settle in at the table. I'm not usually nervous about seeing my friends, heck we been friends since college. Wow, the carefree days of college. It was only 34 years ago, "only", I learned that saying "only" before a negative embedded statement actually softens the statement to make it sound more appealing. My nerves come from a place that is hard for me to put a single sentence. Maybe if you let me explain, it will make sense.

I am a Nurse, a good damn one too. Before being a Nurse, I am a mother. Unfortunately a single one, I used to be a wife but my husband, I mean EX-Husband had other plans. We won't go there now, maybe another time. As a mother I found my child was struggling with school. Not even just, but having a difficult time at life. I asked my job to work with my shifts, because I'm an asset at work. Yes, oh yes, I was head of my Department. I may not hold a title at work but I know the department needed me. I gave my heart and soul to work, what they gave back was no more than a simple promise they will "try" to help me with a schedule change when they are able too. Two years later my kid still struggling, schedule the same, I had to resign. It hurt to do it but I will say it hurt worse to know that my family struggle, my child that was hurting and needing me was not as important as the Hospital administrations paychecks.

So here we are five months later celebrating life with my girlfriends. Now don't worry, my child is thriving, head of his class. I'm sorry, I chuckled at that because he is homes-schooled, get it? "head of his class" My son is actually at his Father's house right now, probably playing an box with and X or whatever it is they play. So, the restaurant light is beautiful. My watch face may need a new cover with as much as I'm fidgeting with it. This feeling is awful. I hate feeling anxious when the night should be a good time catching up and loving every minute of it.

The menu is extraordinary and I have gone over it five times already. See this is my issue. Do I just order the chocolate cake and tell everyone else I ate a late lunch? Do I get a salad? Oh who the hell am I kidding, that salad with no meat on it is twenty five dollars! The Ribeye looks amazing, dry aged, oh how delicious that would be. Amazing yes, but seventy five dollars, uhm I think not! Tipping, is it still fifteen percent or has it changed? What if someone expects me to pick up the bill? Everyone looks at me the Nurse, the money maker, the responsible one. They surely will know, as you I'm sure you have already assumed, I my dear, are broke. Not broken, but broke, living on very small supply of money I had saved up, you know the type of broke where you have to choose between buying toilet or hamburger buns. These days hot dogs go nicely with bread.

They are coming in now. Crap. Waving them to the table with a smile. They all look amazing. Hugs and squeals all around. a group of late forties women, looking hot. Look at Shelly, with her high end bag, she has the best taste in fashion. Paula, shows off her new upgraded wedding ring. It is a smoker, if I pawned it I could pay a few months rent. I am joking I would not dare do that. Sweet, sweet Lydia whispers how she is sorry for my divorce, she is making weird movements with her mouth. Ah, I see, veneers new hundred thousand dollar teeth. They look good on her, I can't lie. We all look good, the anxiety starts to lessen.

"Can I start you ladies with our wine list?", the waiter says. Hoping someone would say "no" I crossed my fingers. Shelly of course takes the wine list from him. ugh, wine, I never thought about the drinks. Water for me, hydration, I need hydration. Everyone looks at me, three of my best friends all look at me when I ordered water. Judging me, I know it. I feel red in the face. I fan myself I ran six miles today, I'm so dehydrated. Lydia says "good for you, waiter I'll take water as well". Shelly, Paula state "yes, water as well". I feel a calm over my empty plate. The plate I think for the first course.

Maybe I will spring for the cheaper cut of steak, sirloin maybe. The waiter smiles at me with his hands behind his back. "What can I get you tonight?" I swallowed hard, and told him I would have the sirloin six ounce. "The mushrooms and onions are to die for we can add them" waiter says. I am not sure how loud I said it but it made me jump. The words that come out of my mouth were almost like I was scared of onions and mushrooms. Put it this way he got the picture to leave them off. There I did it, forty five dollars later, I ordered steak. I giggled out loud thinking to myself if I had any subscriptions I could cancel for the month or maybe one of those fan sites. Shelly orders next. I was actually looking forward to see what she ordered, she has such a exquisite palate. "Just the chocolate cake, please" Shelly states. "Me too", echos both Paula and Lydia.

Chocolate cake, I could have had the chocolate cake. Shaking my head subtly and here I am worrying about appearance in front of my own friends. Shelly tells us when the waiter leaves that her husband has lost his job and they are trying to save money. Apparently we were all broke. No one was judging me, I was my worst judge and jury. I learned a valuable lesson tonight. Just be honest with your friends. Friends are there for you and support you. You do not need to spend a lot of money to have a good time. All you need is honesty, company, friendship, good conversation and the chocolate cake.