The bull she fed

Chris Bartlett closed his mothers' diary. What the fuck did I just read? he asked quietly, disbelieving his own thoughts and positive he had wrongly interpreted Sunshines' words. But he knew he hadn't. She always said what she meant and meant what she said whether in spoken or written form.

Everything he had read up to this point had been digestible, but the chances of William not being his fathers' son because of a violent assault was hard to swallow. He felt anger, then sorrow that his mother kept this burden to herself well beyond her own death.

Their fathers' funeral had come and gone and now the farmhouse with the old red barn had settled into a welcomed peace as Chris and his four brothers went through it, room-by-room, and cleaned. His wife, Kirra, had stayed behind with their three teenagers as well, much to Chris' relief. He was happy his brothers' wives and their children had left the farmstead and wasn't surprised that they did as they never did like the country.

"Hey, dad... look at this," Matty Bartlett said as he approached Chris with a photo in hand. The family was sitting on the floor in the lounge with open boxes of old albums and paper documents the old farmer had stored away. Chris' brothers were in town at the local pub... something that had become a ritual for them after a days' trip down memory lane.

Chris reached for the photo and Matty sat beside him. Chris warmed to his company, he always had and knew that no matter how big his only son was to grow, he would want him to lean on him. They were close and shared a bond like the one he had with his own father. Chris squinted, knowing that the brown tones pigmenting the photograph was a testament to its age.

The photograph was of his father, John, and the five Bartlett boys sitting on a fence. In the background was a huge black bull. Chris laughed lightly as he thought of that time then remembered it was his mother who took the photo. His thoughts returned to her diary and he knew that this photo was eight or nine years after the assault as William looked to be that age. He turned the photo over and read her handwriting... Beast, 1982.

Chris chuckled. Beast... what a stupid name for a bull, he thought then pointed to each boy in the photo and identified them for Matty. His son was astounded that no one showed any fear in the photo as the bull looked anything but friendly. His horns were thick and pointed upward, outward then down at the tips from above his ears. His eyes were deep-set and Matty thought if he had a ring in its nose, it would look mean enough for Spanish-style bullfighting.

Chris smiled as Matty told him such then squinted as another memory squeezed its way into consciousness. He thought of Sunshines' diaries and as his family ventured into town to join his brothers for dinner at the pub, Chris found the one dated 1982...

Sunshine was annoyed. John had just bought a bull to breed with the one cow they owned for reasons she chose not to hear. She thought Beast was a stupid name for a bull as it brought connotations of violence and ferociousness with it and the last thing she wanted, was a raging bull to look after.

As the months went by the bull settled into farm life and grew fatter. He didn't live up to John's expectations - not that the bull didn't try. The cow just wasn't interested in letting the bull mount her and Sunshine found that she often quietly celebrated her unresponsiveness to the bull's power plays. Then something happened that softened her resolve to the bull. It was the day their second youngest son, 8-year-old William Bartlett, was almost trampled by the beast.

Sunshine was folding beaten eggs into the dry ingredients of her famous chocolate cake when Christopher came running into the kitchen. She ignored his panting and breathlessness for as long as she could then feigning annoyance, spun to see her middle son standing in the centre of the kitchen pale and sweating.

In single-word responses, he explained William was stuck in a tree in the bull's paddock with the bull circling its base. John was with her older sons, Michael and David, in another paddock so Sunshine ran as fast as she could to where William clung to the branches of the old maple tree. He was crying and when he saw his mother, William almost fell from the branch.

"Ssssh Will," Sunshine soothed from the fence closest to the tree.

The bull was resting in its' shade and gave Sunshine a snort when she spoke.

"I'm sorry Mumma," William cried. "I knew I shouldn't have... but I did."

Sunshine immediately knew William had been taunting the bull. She and John had caught him on a few occasions calling out to it from the fence line, throwing little rocks at it, and even trying to poke it with a stick once or twice. They always threatened to lock him in the paddock with the bull as punishment one day, not thinking that fate would follow through with their bluff.

"We will talk about this later William," Sunshine spoke calmly as she assessed the situation from where she and Christopher stood.

She looked at William. He was so tiny, and he was scared. Sunshine felt an overwhelming love for her little boy, a love she had never allowed herself to feel before. Why? she thought and knew the answer but did not want to think it. Thinking it would mean it actually happened right? Guilt began to snake its way through her body, emerging from its slumber deep within her stomach to reach her heart and surround it in deaths' embrace. I don't hate him, Sunshine declared quietly in a late attempt to convince herself of such... I hate what happened!

She did not want to remember but she did and with the flashes in her mind came fear. She breathed slowly to allow her body to calm but then self-hatred spat its' venom as she told herself she treated William differently to his brothers. Sunshine heard William whimper as the bull rose to his feet and she shook the thoughts free from her mind.

"William," Sunshine said with a slight smile. "Look at me, baby."

She quickly instructed Christopher to pick as many pears as he could from the one tree growing in the chicken coop near the barn. William lifted his legs and then his head as he looked at Sunshine.

"I love you, my boy," she said to William softly as Christopher did what she asked. "You are brave, and you are strong, and you are smart, and you are kind."

Sunshine spoke the words she wished she told herself the night William was conceived. She felt her heart space open as she turned her attention outwards to her son. "You are my greatest love, and I am so proud of you."

William calmed and steadied himself on the branch as the beast snorted and sniffed the ground under the tree. Christopher returned with eight pears wrapped in his shirt. Sunshine smiled at the irony - eight pears... one for each year since the assault.

"This pear is for you... the beast of over-giving," Sunshine said as she climbed over the fence and tossed the pear to the ground near the bull. She knew she gave too much of herself to others and that was why she had been in the situation she was in on the night of the assault.

Unbeknownst to the boys, the bull loved to eat pears and was happy to have one tossed his way.

"This is because I forgive you," Sunshine said as she tossed the second pear further away from the tree as she neared it.

The bull did not seem to notice what she was doing but followed the pear as it rolled on the grass before munching it quickly. When Sunshine reached the base of the tree, she waved her arm for William to climb down and he did.

"This is because I forgive myself," she said and tossed another pear to the ground near the bull as William ran to the fence line.

"This is to let you know I will show up every time William needs me," Sunshine spoke softly as the bull turned to eye her. She tossed the pear, but it did not get very far before the bull found it and ate it.

"This is because I am so thankful that I have William," Sunshine declared as she threw another pear.

She slowly inched towards the fence line and when she reached it, she began to climb back over when the bull ran towards her. Christopher and William screamed as Sunshine sat motionless on the fence and inside the paddock. The bull stopped before her and she reached for the sixth pear. The bull sniffed it as she held it in her hand.

"This is for me... I am me and I am not broken," Sunshine said with a smile as the bull took the pear from her hand. She gingerly reached forward and stroked his head as he ate. Then the bull looked in her eyes before turning and walking towards his water trough.

Sunshine exhaled. She was exhausted but drew enough strength to muster a smile and give Christopher and William the last two pears she had in her apron. Then, without a word, she returned to the kitchen and continued preparing a chocolate cake for the baking...

Chris Bartlett reclined in the sofa he rested in as he read his mothers' diary. He closed the book and sighed, all the more in awe of the woman she had become after violence threatened to break her. He never knew her pain and wished he had the opportunity to share it with her before she had died.

Then he frowned. He remembered her death around thirty-odd years ago when he was 17. Chris stood and moved to one of the boxes. He found an album with old clippings then sat on the floor to look at it. Most of the clippings were cut out of newspapers that reported what had reported on Sunshine's death. He remembered Colin James' words to him that afternoon... freak accident right?

He turned pages until one caught his eye and then he scanned the article and stopped at one paragraph... The bull was fondly known as Beast...

"What?" Chris said softly as he kept reading. The bull that had broken free of his enclosure and gored his mother to death was one named Beast.

Chris was shocked and as he examined a photo that was taken of the dead bull lying on the path in the farmer's market, he saw his mum's basket near it. Inside, amongst other things, was a half-eaten pear.

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my fifth piece of Vocal's Summer Fiction Series! If you enjoyed it, please send me a like by clicking the heart below or by sending a tip. I appreciate your support.

This story starts with "Sunshine and the moon's shadow: the old barn" and will continue with " The light that guides: obsessed with Dreaming".