The Breakup

Where do I begin? The very thought I’ve had on in my mind for the past 324 days. I have maintained this indescribable feeling of freedom, fear, and uncertainty yet I’m told over and over how brave and calm I am. It doesn’t make sense. None of the past year has made sense and yet I don’t know how it could have gone any other way.

This must be confusing. Let’s start with last year. Today is Tuesday, April 23rd, 2019 and I am sitting in a coffee shop in the center of Athens, Greece, right underneath my dad’s office. I am on vacation. Finally. Last year, June 2nd, 2018- yes, I remember the date because I write everything (literally everything) in my planner- it was a great day and also one of the worst days. I was living in New Orleans at the time. I had a hair appointment in Baton Rouge for a haircut and balayage with my usual gal and Donnie (my boyfriend of 8 years) offered to go with me. It was an hour and a half drive and we had been having a bit of a rough patch so we were both making efforts to do more together. I loved that he wanted to come with me. One of my favorite things was to spend time with him, whether we were just chatting in the car, listening to each other’s new favorite songs- ones I would introduce him to and he would complain about only to then listen on repeat and claim it as his own. We had so much to talk about, always. We were not very intimate at this point, some light hand holding and kissing here and there but nothing remarkable. I figured this was normal for a couple who has been together since college and who have been through so much together. We’ll get into that later.

Anyway, we made the trip to Baton Rouge and he dropped me off to get my hair done. It took a few hours and he picked me up after, patient as always. He told me about how he went to a coffee shop and applied for a few jobs (he wasn’t happy where he was) and then went to the Farmer’s Market which he insisted we come back to. He even got me flowers. I should have known something wasn’t right... Is it just me or do flowers mean the beginning of the end?

We explored Baton Rouge a little more, got something to eat, did a little shopping for our upcoming trip to Greece. We were so excited to vacation there together again. He was so hesitant at first a few years ago but once again, he loved it, just like I thought he would. We couldn’t wait to go back to our favorite places in Athens and explore Crete together since we both had never been. My Dad was so excited to see us and of course have long chats with Donnie about history and politics. I loved how well they got along.

We had a great day in Baton Rouge and then headed back to New Orleans to get ready for one of my good friend’s Fiancé’s surprise birthday party. I decided to go with my girlfriends and he opted to stay home and just chill. I figured this was because he had soccer in the morning and although he used to be very social, going out just wasn’t his thing anymore. I got ready and he told me how beautiful I looked, he even dropped me off at the bar, joking that he was my Uber. I met up with Lynsey and Sarah. We hung out and found the surprise party people and chatted. I told them about our great day and how I thought things were getting better for us. I was happy and even excited for the future again.

At the end of the night Sarah dropped me off at home and I went to get ready for bed. I did my whole routine and crawled into bed next to Donnie. I felt his phone underneath me and I thought it was strange, he must have forgotten to charge it. I rolled me eyes, as I do, and thought how nice I was for plugging it in for him and not waking him up. I went to plug it in and the phone lit up to show it was charging. While it was lit up it showed a message, from Twitter of all places. All I could think about was the last time I saw a message from Twitter on his phone. All of my thoughts spun in my head and I had a terrible feeling of dread. I felt sick. This time would be different I thought. We had such a great day there is no way this is happening again. It couldn’t happen again. He wouldn’t do something like that. He wouldn’t jeopardize our relationship. He wouldn’t hurt me like that AGAIN.

There was only one way to find out. I took the phone off the charger and sulked into the bathroom, closing the door quietly behind me. I knew all of his passwords of course. I went to the Twitter app, which was hidden on the second page of a folder in his iPhone. I went to the messages. There they were. So similar to the ones I found five years ago. But worse? Or better? I couldn’t decide. I read them. Some just informational, lawyer stuff, advice, etc. Then it got worse. I miss you. I love you. Pictures. Videos. I couldn’t watch the videos. After the picture of her backside from the shower I had to stop. I couldn’t stomach it. That was it. I felt disgusted and disappointed... but also relieved in a weird way. I had already made the decision about what was going to happen. I literally made it five years ago. I told him then, when I found messages from the SAME girl, if anything like that ever happened again, that was it. We would be done. There I was, five years later. Done. Goodbye future husband, future kids, future pets, future house we talked so in depth about. We knew our would-be children’s names. Savannah Lynne, Charlotte Elle, and James Francis. It was like they already existed. We knew we would get a house with a dog along with our two cats we already had. A rescue, obviously. We knew where we would get married. How he would get the ring, how he would propose. Where we would retire. I went over these thoughts so many times, unable to understand how someone could give up a future with someone they love for someone they didn’t even want to date.

I went back to the bedroom and plugged in his phone. Got into bed and tried to sleep. The effort was futile and all I could do was think about how much everything would change. We lived together and we had two cats. Neither one of us could afford to live on our own really. This wasn’t exactly something I planned for either. What kind of idiot doesn’t save for a breakup... probably the same idiot that thinks they’re going to stay with one person forever. Now I was just being hard on myself. I knew I would have to leave. There’s no way I could stay. I needed to leave New Orleans. This was our place, our city, together not apart. I couldn’t stay here without him and I had to get away, for my own sanity.

I’m sure I drifted off here and there but for the most part I was awake and anxious about the future. How tomorrow morning would go. It was finally the morning; Donnie’s alarm went off for soccer. He woke up and put on his robe and went to my side of the bed to kiss me good morning. He was so happy and in such a good mood. I just stared. It felt like forever before I could say anything. I didn’t even know what to say. I was awake all night and I still hadn’t planned what I would say when he woke up.

Me- “You left your phone out.”

Smooth. But it came out before I could stop it. He looked at me.

Donnie- “Oh... thanks for charging it.”

I kept staring at him. He knew. I knew he knew. There was no way he didn’t know.

Me- “I saw everything.”

Donnie- “What?”

He said, looking confused. I saw the look in his eyes go from confusion to realization of what I had seen. He left the room. He couldn’t even look at me. He literally left the room without even saying anything. I stayed in bed, tears creeping from behind my eyes and spilling from my tear ducts. I couldn’t stop them. It was over. He knew and I knew. What felt like thirty minutes later, but was probably only five, he came back in the bedroom.

Donnie- “I’m sorry... I don’t know what to say... I know it’s over...”

Hmm. I know what you could say. Sorry. I’m an idiot. I’m a stupid idiot who fucked up and will never be able to make it up to you. I’ll never know the kind of pain I caused you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m so selfish.

At least cry.

The least he could do was cry.

And he did.