The Biggest Country in the Mind

A trip to Andorra was the only thing on Marina Chen’s birthday list. She had been researching,

She had been looking at books, maps, everything about Andorra she could find

and while everyone else was going to New York or Paris,

Marina thought only of Andorra. “Andorra,” said Marina at the dinner table one night,

“is my favorite country, if you can even call it a country, and I am proud to be the Head of the Andorra Fan Club at my school (which Marina was the only member of, so she was automatically the Head.) and therefore I am the biggest fan of Andorra, so for this reason I would like to be able to visit Andorra!”

The problem was, nobody wanted to go with her.

“Don’t you mean Angola?” “No, I said Andorra, A-N-D-O-R-R-A.” “Is that a place?” “Yes, why would I make up Andorra?” Alas, everyone did think Marina made up Andorra.

“Isn’t that the mom from Bewitched?” “No, AN-dorra.” “Yeah, Endora.”

And in her World History class,

they all had to pick a country to do a project on, and without missing a beat,

Marina chose Andorra. And she talked so lovingly,

smiling every word,

that people laughed during the whole presentation, and passed notes, and snickered and said “If you love Andorra so much, why don’t you marry it?”

and “Why in the world are you learning Catalan? No one speaks Catalan. So what if it’s a Romance language?”

and a few people started calling her Andorra the Explorer

like it was some sort of inside joke or stupid thing instead of a beautiful country.

One time Marina got so tired of telling people what Andorra was that she flumped on her bed and cried, and said, “If I had said Italy or Japan everyone would say

Wow, I’d love to go too!

Maybe someday we can go together!

but I said Andorra. Of course I had to go and be obsessed with stupid old Andorra

which is too small and invisible for anyone to know what it is.”

And from then on, Marina never told anyone about her love for Andorra.

She still tried learning Catalan, secretly, but sometimes she felt uncomfortable doing it because it reminded her of how no one liked that she liked Andorra. So she always felt horrible about herself whenever she tried learning Catalan. So after a few weeks she stopped.

She started thinking more about France and Spain,

the two countries Andorra was in the middle of. One day in her class she had a “Question of the Day” which was “If you could go to any country, where would you go?” And she panicked, and said Spain. Not Andorra. Because she knew she’d be asked what it was, and if she was sure it was real.

Marina felt bad because

she really did love Andorra…and felt nothing about Spain. But she lied. And she hated that.

Well,

Marina started to fear her thoughts about Andorra.

She did not hate Andorra. She feared Andorra.

Her once beloved Andorra, where she’d travel in her mind…

now she saw it as a prison she had to try not to get herself into

and one night as she went over all the things people said in response to her when she mentioned it

her face got so red and she thought

Everyone thinks I’m weird.

And while she kept repeating everyone thinks I’m weird in her head,

she drifted off to sleep and had a dream, which would have been a fabulous dream

had she had it last week when she was still speaking Catalan

(In fact, on Tuesday she heard the word “cattle” in a nature film she watched in class

and her face turned all hot and red because it sounded like “Catalan”.)

ANYWAY, in this dream

she was in Andorra. In the beautiful rolling green Pyrenees mountains. Swimming in Lake Tristaina. Being a free spirit in her lovely land, one of the smallest countries in the world, which was okay, because Marina was one of the smallest kids in her class, so naturally she had become wonderful friends with the marvelous country of Andorra and everything was beautiful and okay.

Then she woke up, her face flushed with red,

because Andorra was a FORBIDDEN THOUGHT now.

The next day at school, Marina said nothing.

Nothing. She was not shy. She usually said things. She was one of the “smart kids.”

She usually hung out with Tiffany Dakhoum, Erin Churchill,

Juan Ruiz, and Evan Feinberg (if he was there, which he usually wasn’t.) Those four kids got the highest marks. But the five of them weren’t really friends

like Rebecca Knowles, Dakota Krieger, Jasmyn Malinis and Bridget (whose last name she didn’t know.) Marina and the “smart kids” never really did anything together and they didn’t always defend each other, like when Marina was presenting about Andorra, anyway…

so Erin Churchill asked her if she was okay, or sick, or anything,

which was surprising because Erin usually only talked about her guinea pig or quantum physics.

And Marina said “Yeah, I’m okay,” and that was it for the conversation

and that was the only thing Marina said all day.

She became scared to go to school because she remembered that Oliver and Chris (the two kids who laughed at Andorra the most) sat right near her because Mrs. Marchesini thought that even though they were in the eighth grade and were TEENAGERS, they still had to have the teacher decide where they sat…and she decided it would be fun to put Oliver and Chris near Marina.

Marina had another “quirk.”

This one was not as embarrassing. When she met someone she had to know their last name. Something that bothered her was she did not know Oliver’s or Chris’. But she didn’t want to learn theirs because she hated them, because they were so mean to her,

but it bothered her so much that she made up last names.

This was something she had to change now, because the last names she made up were Catalan words:

Oliver Pudent (pudent means stinky)

and Chris Enfadat (enfadat means angry.)

and whenever she thought of someone she thought of their first and last names. So she was never Marina, she was Marina Chen. And she never thought “I wonder where Evan is today,” she instead wondered where Evan Feinberg was today, and as for Bridget, she was annoyed with not knowing her last name either so she called her Bridget Bonic (bonic means beautiful.) And she liked that it was an alliteration.

Naturally Marina was annoyed that her Andorra “quirk” interfered with the last-name thing she had. She was so used to the initials of O.P., C.E. and B.B. She couldn’t just call them new names like Oliver Price, Chris Engstrom and Bridget Baker. They had to keep the Catalan ones. Marina loved continuity. She was so sad, her brain hurt.

Stop thinking about Andorra!!!! Marina reminded herself of this

three times in first period,

eleven times in second period (they were doing European geography)

six times in third period

eight times in fourth period (this was French class)

three times in fifth

need I go on?

Her face got so red that Mrs. Marchesini asked her, right there in the middle of class for everyone to hear, if she was okay,

and that just made her feel worse.

Marina talked, she said “yeah I’m okay, just a bit cold” or something stupid

and her voice echoed through her head and bounced around in her brain and made her sound even stupider and her voice kept ringing and ringing it felt like Oliver Pudent and Chris Enfadat were taking turns pulling the string on one of those old church bells.

A puppy came at the end of the day, it was Katie Georgiou’s new puppy that her mom brought with her to pick her up, and one of the kids (maybe Michelle Hyeong?) said “Aww, she’s so adorable!” but Marina overheard that and the word “adorable” sounded so much like “Andorra” that her ears rang and her face got red all over again.

People noticed that Marina was acting different,

her mother said “Would you like to see a psychologist? A psychologist would help.”

Marina thought a psychologist was someone who studied brains, it didn’t sound like the name for a person who could help. Her mother could have said therapist. Or helper. Or counsellor. So many better words. And Marina thought of cold doctor equipment touching her, all shiny and pokey. She knew this wasn’t a psychologist. She thought a psychologist was an evil doctor of some sort. But no she did not think that.

Marina Chen went to the psychologist, whose name was actually just Shannon

Shannon asked what she thought of all day and what thoughts came into her mind; Marina did not say Andorra.

Shannon asked if she had any fears and if anything made her uncomfortable; Marina did not say Andorra.

You wouldn’t swear to a psychologist, now would you? A person of such high power certainly should not be listening to forbidden words.

Shannon asked what the biggest thing bothering her was; Marina did not say Andorra.

Marina said “I have thoughts that bother me, I can’t focus on anything else, and I’m a bit scared of what people think of me…” and she was thinking of Andorra the whole time, and Shannon said, “what kind of thoughts?” and Marina snappily said “they always change.”

Marina tried to find some substitute for Andorra that would help Shannon help her but nothing was the same as being scared of a country you were obsessed with but not letting anyone know you were obsessed with it and just silencing the thought from your mind and punishing it to the hellish dungeons in the bottom of your spinal cord which is part of your brain, she thought.

Marina almost cried because she hated being so vague but no one ever makes fun of the vague children, do they?

Marina cried alone in her room one night thinking about all the money her parents spent and then she thought what would happen if I did tell Shannon about Andorra? but that thought tired Marina so much that she fell asleep. And the thought turned into a dream, and the dream answered the thought

SHANNON: What’s been the biggest thing bothering you lately?

MARINA: Andorra. I’m obsessed with Andorra. But I try not to make myself think of Andorra, and whenever I think about or hear anything that seems similar to Andorra I get shivers down my spine and my face gets red and my brain screams at me. Is this normal? Why do I feel uncomfortable about Andorra?

SHANNON: You’re scared of a COUNTRY? That’s what’s been bothering you all this time?

MARINA: Huh?

SHANNON: No, don’t worry, I just want to go deeper into this. So you are scared of the name Andorra, the country Andorra, the idea of Andorra. Let’s get to the bottom of this, shall we?

MARINA: I’d rather not.

SHANNON: Ah, but the only way to cure you and make you stop thinking about it is, ironically enough, exposing yourself to the fear. So let’s talk about Andorra.

MARINA: Andorra? (a beam of light coming from the window shot into her stomach and made a light-beam sound and shocked her.)

SHANNON: So what language do they speak in Andorra?

MARINA: Catalan. (a herd of cattle burst in through the door and ate SHANNON.)

SHANNON: (now a ghost) And when did you first discover Andorra?

MARINA: Aaaaaaandorra, Andorra, Andorra!

I wish I could go to Andorra.

I can’t take this quite anymore-ah,

This pain, as they say there, dolor-ah!

I wish I could be there for only one day

Just to make me so joyful and happy and gay

And I sure do love A-N-D-O-R-R-A,

And I somehow will get there some way!

Hey!

SHANNON: Okay. I’m gonna prescribe you these pills. Take them until you’re normal.

Then the dream ended, and Marina’s body was red

with so much fear and cringe and discomfort and dolor.

And the invasive Andorran thoughts would not leave her mind and she couldn’t talk to Shannon anymore and she started to worry

and nothing made her stop worrying

and she cried so much

and she just stayed there in her room thinking

where do I really want to be right now, more than anything?

and then after a battle of pushing out and pulling in, she reluctantly thought France.

The next day Marina Chen went to school and after that she had to see Shannon, she suffered through all of school and didn’t say a word, except “thanks” when Erin Churchill held the door, and Erin said “what’s up?” and Marina said “I’m okay, I guess,” and Erin said “good!” and that was it, I guess

And then Marina went to see Shannon

and had a thought: it had just occurred to her that one of the reasons she didn’t like Shannon (she had only realized this now) is because she did not know her last name. Shannon thought kids liked calling authority people by their first names so she said call me Shannon because she probably wanted to make Marina comfortable.

And in Shannon’s office there weren’t any diplomas because she wanted it to be a safe comfortable space but it’s ironic,

thought Marina,

how something that’s supposed to make me comfortable makes me more uncomfortable

and that day she decided she would find out Shannon DiLorenzo’s last name once and for all (DiLorenzo was made up by Marina.)

And that made her feel better because it wasn’t what Marina usually thought or tried not to think of when she was with Shannon, but the second she saw Shannon DiLorenzo’s smiling face she got worried again and she thought of Oliver Pudent and Chris Enfadat and how they teased her. And that’s exactly what she could tell Shannon about, and she wouldn’t be vague anymore,

And Shannon said, “Did anything at school bother you today, Marina?”

And Marina said, “Well, Oliver Pudent and Chris Enf–”

and then she remembered

that she’d said their Catalan last names

and all of a sudden

her skin turned RED and HOT and she said she had to go to the bathroom really badly

and said “Forget I said anything” as she ran out

and she didn’t see Shannon again that day, she was too embarrassed,

and she thought of cows running into Shannon’s office and the light beam and the –

Marina Chen got so sad that night and felt so bad for her parents

because they paid money for her to see Shannon

and all the money was wasted now

because Marina was so vague

and she never said anything good to Shannon

and she said she didn’t like being in middle school ‘cause it’s stressful

but then she thought oh everyone says things like that probably

and then she cried and

waited three days to tell her parents

“I don’t think I need Shannon anymore, I’m feeling better.”

which was such a lie

such a big fat lie.

And Marina never found out Shannon DiLorenzo’s last name was Klassen.

One day a month later

Marina had missed school for a week,

and her parents stood outside her door waiting for twenty minutes until she stopped crying but she did not stop crying. And her dad said to her mom, “I never would have thought Marina had a mental illness.”

But her mom said to her dad, “Neither would I, especially since she doesn’t need Shannon. I think what she does need is school.”

Marina Chen heard this insensitive remark,

stormed out of the door pushing her parents away but not caring

And here came another stream of thoughts, were they invasive? She didn’t care

There she was, having walked blocks away

standing in a large park in the dark where she hoped no one’d be,

but there were 2 small families around the swingset and the sandbox, but that’s okay since they weren’t in earshot and Marina also didn’t care one bit.

And to prove it,

she yelled

to God maybe or maybe no one in particular or maybe Shannon DiLorenzo or herself (just not her parents.)

“WAS THIS A CURSE? BROUGHT UPON ME BY THE COUNTRY OF AN –” she looked around

“TARCTICA? THAT’S NOT EVEN A COUNTRY!” she couldn’t bring herself to do what she’d hoped would end all her internal and external madness

“Dora. Anne. Two lovely girls’ names,” she muttered quietly. “Now let’s just reverse the order. ANNE!”

Then came an intake of breath, as to separate the words and make certain that they didn’t form a certain proper noun she’d been avoiding.

“DOE! RAH! DORA!”

Then came her thoughts of embarrassment, she’s in a field screaming a children’s show character’s name with such furious passion. Then, forcing herself not to think, she uttered it.

“ANDORRA!”

A hot surge of air and blood boiling up inside her; a shiver and then a painful memory, whose lines she attempted to cry out to a nearby brick wall:

“ANDORRA, ANDORRA, ANDORRA,

THIS PAIN, AS THEY SAY THERE, DOLOR-AH,

I JUST CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE-AH,

A…somethinga…something ANDORRA!

I WISH I COULD BE THERE FOR ONLY ONE DAY

THAT MAKES ME SO…HAPPY…AND HAPPY AND GAY

I SURE DO LOVE A-N-D-O-R…”

Then she ran home feeling the weirdest sense of excitement and relief. Half of her felt a guilty heaviness, like she’d just said a horribly offensive racial slur completely on accident. The other half was smiling.

“TAKE THAT, Pudent and Enfadat!” she screamed as she left the park. One family had left. A child from the other was staring curiously at her.

And as she raced home, she remembered that summer vacation was just around the corner. And she made plans for the place whose name she repeated a few times more, as a sort of “welcome back to my mouth and my mind, The Word Andorra!” And Marina Chen thought this, “Welcome back, Andorra,” in Catalan.

Now her only worry was her parents possibly not letting her go. But at least she could travel there in her mind, as often as she wanted, over and over again.

And she did.