The Bench

Maddie sat on the bench and waited. The bench was a typical park bench which meant it wasn't really comfortable but she didn't mind. The park was a massive park spread out in the heart of the city with anything you could want in a park. The city had really gone all out with the renovations and they continued to expand. Maddie hadn't been here in about a year now. The last time she had come, she was still pregnant with Benjamin. That was before everything happened. Before she lost him.

Today was the 13th and that would make Ben six months old. She wasn't always sure about the date anymore but she was always sure when it was the 13th. It was just a feeling. She glanced at her watch, 10:34 a.m. which meant they should be walking by on the path any minute. Her grandfather had gone for custody of Ben after everything happened. Maddie felt powerless to stop any of it. She wasn't even sure what she had wanted to happen at that point. Her mother wanted custody, her Pop wanted custody, and her sister-in-law wanted custody. Pop ended up winning which would have been a real shock, but no one else actually fought him for Benjamin. They all just talked a lot about it. She was sure her brother never wanted Ben and wasn't going to let his wife fight for him. Her mom wanted to fight but didn't have enough money for the lawyer and she probably figured she would still see the baby when she wanted.

Maddie and her grandfather had always been very close when she was growing up. She had idolized him, he was her favorite person. But now she felt very far away from him. She knew in her heart that he would make a good life for Benjamin but he was getting older and she wasn't sure her grandmother was thrilled with having a baby full time. Her mom and dad normally took the baby on weekends to give them a break.

There they were! Just Pop and Ben today, Grandma must have stayed home. She wasn't a fan of walks the way Pop was, he was more active, and enjoyed the fresh air. As a child he always took her to the park, they would take stale bread and feed the ducks at the small pond. She wondered if he would do that with Ben one day. They would sometimes walk up to the taller hiking path, past the pond, and then she would roll down the hill while he laughed. Maybe he and Ben would do that one day too. She saw Pop from the curve on the path, saw the blue baseball cap first, she could see the stroller but not Ben's face yet. She leaned back further on the bench, trying to blend in, and pulled her own gray baseball cap down over her eyes. She was wearing neutral colors, a pair of faded jeans, and a white shirt. She watched as Pop pushed the stroller, a woman with a toddler stopped him and chatted for a minute, then they moved along. Maddie wondered if he knew them or if they wanted to see the baby. She wondered what people must think when they saw this old man with a baby. What did he say? That Ben was his baby? Surely not! That he was babysitting? That he adopted him? The questions tortured her. She knew she couldn't go close enough to ask him anything at all.

Oh my God, there was Ben! Her sweet little angel looked like a baseball player today, wearing a onesie in all white with stripes and an MVP logo, with a matching cap. She wanted to run to them, to grab him up out of that stroller and kiss his chubby baby cheeks. She wanted to throw her arms around her grandfather and tell him she knew he was doing right by Ben and she couldn't thank him enough for that. Maddie's entire body shook but she stayed still. The bench was solid beneath her, she stayed where she was until they were far enough past for her to get up and carefully follow them. She walked at a safe distance behind them, they just made a quick loop around the outer trail today and then back to the car. Maddie stayed back but watched Pop carefully put Ben in his car seat. They drove away, and Maddie walked back through the park in the other direction.

*****

Maddie sat on the bench waiting, it was getting late and she was wondering if they were coming to the park at all today. It was a little chilly out, maybe Pop had decided against it. But just as she stood to go, she saw her mother and father walking up the path, Ben walked in between them, wobbling along slowly. Pop was close behind them, pushing the stroller. Maddie didn't know why her parents were there. They didn't normally take Ben to the park at all, and they had never come with Pop before. She waited and timed it carefully, followed after them. They walked down to the picnic tables and sat down together, her mom took out some snacks for Benjamin. They all looked happy and relaxed. Maddie felt the strongest rush of emotions when she realized that her family was right there, her son was right there and she wasn't allowed to go to them. She had been following them for over a year now, stalking them really, but she wasn't a part of their lives now. It didn't even look like they missed her.

*****

Maddie knew she should NOT be doing this. She had waited patiently until Pop and Gram had left the house, taking Benjamin out for lunch no doubt. They were creatures of habit, and so was she. If she wasn't allowed to be a part of her son's life, she would watch and wait and do what she had to do. The house was small, just a little rancher they had bought in the 70s and stayed in since then. They raised her mother and her uncle here. The same block she visited hundreds of times as a child. So she knew how to stay hidden here. She watched and waited, when the car pulled out of the driveway, she ran around the old wooden privacy fence and tried the gate. Not locked. Of course. Seriously? They had a three-year-old child running around the backyard and she had seen her grandmother leave him unattended several times to go inside to answer the phone. Sometimes she talked for up to 10 minutes without checking him. Maddie didn't mind this obviously, it gave her an opportunity to talk to Ben. But what if she wasn't around and he ran out the gate?

Maddie went around through the backyard, stepped up onto the deck, slid open the old glass door, and was onto the patio in less than a minute. She moved quickly and silently through the next set of doors, into the kitchen. This was the only room she needed to visit. She had noticed the changes in her grandfather. The changes in his skin color, the way he walked slower, he was slower to lift Ben, and most days he seemed to be in pain. If something was wrong, there would be medications, right? She looked around the kitchen and it didn't take long to find the four prescription bottles lined up between the old bread box and the toaster oven. Maddie took a deep breath. Then she turned to go but stopped. Ben's room. She had never even seen it. She started down the hallway, the house looked so different. It had only been four years since she had last been here. She opened the door to the first room, it had been made into a playroom. Painted a bright yellow, with a large train table in one corner, a bean bag chair, and a small television set in another corner, complete with an overflowing toy box. Maddie made her way in and looked around slowly, she took in all the details, the Thomas the Tank Engine rug, the little decals on the wall, baseballs, basketballs, and footballs. Maddie blinked away her tears and walked out of the room. The next room was her grandparents' room and looked mostly the same way it did when she was a child. The deep purple comforter and decorative throw pillows were new. She closed the door quickly. The room across the hall was Ben's, as she stepped inside, Maddie didn't bother trying to hold back the tears that fell. She could smell Ben, see the bed where he slept. She imagined laying there with him at night, telling him stories, watching him fall asleep. She wished she could undo all that had happened. Maddie never thought back to the day that she lost Ben, she knew it never did her any good. Maddie was looking forward, that was all that she had to hold onto now. She quickly left the room, down the hall, she took one look back and reminded herself that looking back wasn't going to help her or Benjamin. She ran out of the house and down the street. She didn't stop until she reached her old elementary school, she sat on the swings and cried.

*****

"Hey Benjamin, it's Mommy. Come over here to the fence". Maddie whispered through the hole in the fence. Ben was out back playing alone, Maddie loved these moments. Ben was almost five now, he was big and so smart. He was used to her sneaking around to visit him and he always got so excited to see her. Maddie knew she shouldn't do it. But she loved Ben more than anything and she deserved to talk to her son at least. She was missing so much. She hated just watching him.

"MOMMY!" Ben squealed and ran to the fence. His smile lit up his whole face. His light brown curls shone in the sun, and his brown eyes lit up with excitement and love.

"Quiet baby. Grammy might hear us. How are you?"

"I painted a picture for you, Mommy".

"Oh, my sweet baby. I can't wait to see it". Maddie said to him, she wished she could reach through the fence and hug him.

"Benny!" Pop called from the door.

" I'm talking to Mommy!' Ben called back.

Pop walked out and took Ben's hand, Maddie moved away from the fence.

"Come on, Ben. Your mom isn't there". Pop said in a sad voice.

*****

The bench was cold. Fall was moving in quickly and Maddie pulled her favorite green hoodie tightly around her to keep warm. She shifted, trying to get comfortable. She had been sitting there for almost a half hour now watching Pop and Ben feed the ducks. Ben was running around, all boy, restless energy, throwing the bread as far as he could. Pop was sitting down, watching him mostly. They were wearing their matching Dodgers hoodies today. Maddie smiled, as much as she had wished and prayed and had gotten angry that she missed her son's life, she was glad that Pop had this time with Benjamin. Pop stood up and took Ben's hand, they were getting ready to leave now. They started walking in her direction, they would have to pass right by the bench on the path to get back to the car. Maddie didn't move, she sat up straight and waited. Pop looked her right in the eye as they walked by and he nodded. Maddie nodded back. Benjamin smiled and waved and she waved back, she blew her little boy a kiss. They walked onto the parking lot.

*****

Three months later, it was terribly cold waiting on the bench. Maddie was annoyed that Gram had Benjamin outside in this mess at all. It was snowing lightly so she understood that Ben probably wanted to see the snow falling on the small pond. Maybe Gram did too. She was just anxious, waiting for Pop. It shouldn't take him too long to find her.

Maddie was distracted watching Ben when Pop suddenly sat down next to her.

"There you are". Maddie said and smiled sadly.

"Here I am". Pop smiled back. "Thank you for waiting Madison. I know it took me a long time to get here".

"What do you think is going to happen to Ben now?" she asked him.

"Benny will be just fine. Your grandmother is going to give up custody to your mother. I left her the house and quite a bit of money in my will. Gram is moving to Florida, to stay with your uncle". Pop explained the plans he had made.

"That sounds good". Maddy smiled up at him again. "I knew you would have a plan. Thank you for taking care of my baby when I couldn't".

"Madison. What happened to you was the worst thing that ever happened to me. The doctors said they did everything they could to try to save you-"

"Stop". Maddie said quickly. "I'm glad that Benjamin is okay, he's healthy, he's happy. Everything is as it should be. I've never left him".

"What now?' he asked

"I've been waiting for you". Maddie smiled at her grandfather and took his hand. "Let's go sit with them for a while and then we can go. Don't worry. We can come back later and check on them."