The Aquarium Bench

I love fish. Fishes love to swim. I wish I could swim.

Mommy says I’m not big enough to swim. Mommy and Daddy took me to see them in the aquarium. Mommy carries me to sit on the special bench. Daddy tells me a secret. He says that the bench is the best seat in the whole Aquarium.

No one knows this.

If you sit on that bench long enough, you see everything swim by!

Daddy buys a hat with a fish head at the front and tail fin in the back.

All three of us wore a fish hat!

I get to touch the glass where the fishes swim.

I was sad when I scared them away.

Then I was happy when some came to me.

Mommy takes photos of us. Daddy kisses me, “Happy Birthday, Isaac!”

This is the best day ever!

***

It feels weird not being with Mommy and Daddy today at the aquarium. At least I have my friends at school!

We rode a bus and Mommy packed sandwiches. She made extra so I could share with my friends.

Daddy told me to make sure I sit on the ‘special’ bench.

Miss Jenny tells us to pick a spot. We are to find our favorite fish or sea creature.

We are to draw them!

I wanted to sit at the ‘special’ bench but Bella was already sitting on it. I have to fight her for it.

“Isaac! Bella! Stop right now!” Miss Jenny wasn’t too happy.

I told her that was my spot.

Bella says she was there first.

Miss Jenny made us sit together.

Of all things Bella could draw, she drew an octopus. What a stupid drawing! Bella is stupid. She has a stupid big head. That Octopus Girl! I’m not sharing my sandwich with her.

I drew a fish, but I think I changed my mind. I think I will draw a shark!

***

“Not this stupid place again!” I yelled at mom.

Mom probably told her new boyfriend, Clarke, that the aquarium was my favorite place.

That was back then.

I’d rather be at the mall. I could be watching movies and chilling with my friends. My friend Danny, was to host a party later on.

Why is Clarke so lame?

I sat on the ‘special’ bench where Dad likes to sit. Mom has probably forgotten about it. I’ll sit on the bench, and watch Mom and Clark walk off. They won’t even notice that I stayed behind.

I miss Dad, though.

***

“I didn’t even expect that Tracy would agree to be my date!” I yelled on the phone.

“Relax, Ice!” Danny tried to calm me down. “I don’t see the problem here. You’ve always liked her.”

“I’m just… surprised. I thought I’d give it a shot to ask her out. Never realized the feeling was mutual. I don’t even know her that well! I’m freaked out a little that she likes me back. Maybe a little flattered,” I said.

“Then get to know your prom date better then!” suggested Danny.

I snickered, “Easy for someone like you to say. I don’t have girls throwing themselves at me!”

“Just grow a pair and ask her out... if all fails, you can always ask Octopus Girl” teased Danny.

I remained silent.

“Oh, too late,” snapped Danny. “I already texted Tracy. She is free this afternoon.”

“Asshole!”

“I always wanted to visit here!” smiled Tracy. She looked around and marveled at the aquarium. The day was bright and the aquarium was filled with chatter. Visitors were taking photos, left and right.

I didn’t have much of a choice of where to hang out with her. The aquarium was the first thing that popped into my mind.

My cheeks are feeling warm and I look away. Tracy looked great. What I like about her is that short blonde hair. The way she kept it slicked to one side. She was athletic and not like most girls. I kept looking away, hoping she didn't notice I stared too long.

We wandered in circles. I hope I didn’t bore her with my blabbering of anime, video games and how much I hate Clarke. She seems to laugh at my jokes.

A good sign right?

We made it to the ‘special’ bench. The bench that was always hyped by Dad. I told Tracy about the bench. She agreed to sit for a while. We saw all sorts of fishes swim by. She was amazed. I’m glad she is enjoying herself with the view.

After talking for another hour or so, she grew quiet. She pierced a glare right into my eyes.

I grew warm inside. My heart is beating faster. She was inching herself closer. I closed my eyes and felt her soft lips onto mine.

***

“I guess congratulations are in order,” I teased Tracy.

She raised a brow trying to figure out.

I gave her a few seconds.

Still blank.

I sighed and pulled my dress coat straight, “Hello? You’re looking at a Senior Marketing Director over here!”

Tracy forced a smile, “Congratulations, Ice!” She pulled herself close and embraced me. “Is this why you took me here at the aquarium?”

“Well… yeah!” I answered. “Every special occasion, I always take you here. Sort of a tradition. Our anniversary. Birthdays. Even Promotions.”

Tracy was stern. She puckered her lips back for a split second. I tried to look her in the eyes. She looked away. She’s been looking away more often. Not the reaction I was expecting.

“Well earned, Isaac,” Tracy muttered.

I inch myself closer to her, “Is everything alright?”

Tracy nods. She pauses for a few moments. Her lips tremble, “No… it is not alright...”

I was not sure where this was going. Tears began streaming down her face. “Tell me what’s wrong, baby.”

“I-I-I can’t do this anymore… I don’t mean to rain on your parade, Isaac,” Tracy’s sobs grew louder and louder. People’s eyes were fixated on us.

“Whatever it is, Trace, we’ll work it out,” I assured her.

“I can’t go on with this anymore,” Tracy wipes away her tears. “I hope this promotion was well worth it. Late nights often when you aren't home, and a woman grows lonely.”

I shook my head in disbelief. I gritted my teeth and finally asked, “Who?”

Tracy shook her head. She refuses to say anything. I grabbed her by the shoulder and yelled, “WHO?”

“It’s Danny! I’ve slept with Danny!” Tracy shot back.

Security came as the people grew uncomfortable. They escorted us separately. I let Tracy go home first. I sat in my car, by the aquarium parking lot. I stared into that aquarium, “God, how I hate this place!”

***

Once you hit rock bottom, there’s nowhere else to go but up, right?

Wrong.

You could sink deeper as it turns out. Way down the abyss of despair. What could go wrong after Tracy left me?

Shortly, Mom passed away. I didn’t see that coming. Mom always kept herself in great shape. Her heart? Not so much.

At least I know the expenses of a funeral.

I also know the expenses of living like a rock star.

One can only have enough booze. Then it loses its appeal after a while. I graduated from that.

That nose candy sure revs your brains to a million thoughts in a microsecond. I’m sure that was enough to bury the sorrow and loss.

Only for a while. Until the high fades you dry. That’s why you have to go again, and again. Harder than last time.

The Senior Marketing Director gig could not sustain my rock star lifestyle.

Even Clarke reached out to me. I can only con him too many times.

It is true about the saying, Drugs lead you no where…

At least it was a scenic route. Now I have nothing and nowhere to go.

The bums at the shelter got sent away because someone got stabbed.

His name was Danny.

Well, in my head, I named him Danny. I wished I was the one who stabbed him.

So here I am wandering around town, in the cold. Taking my chance at any corner I turn. I hope it leads me somewhere. It would be nice to have a bath.

I just realized how socks are important. I forage for trash and find what I could and stuff them in my bag.

Earlier, a stranger spared me a buck and I got a five pack of instant noodles. It was an unnamed brand. It got the job done, even without the hot water. I took out the seasoning packet, and the dry noodles stayed in the bag. I sealed it shut. The noodles were crushed. I added the seasoning and shook the bag. Went straight to my mouth. The crunch hits the spot. It wasn’t that bad.

My belly is relieved but I still move around, trying to beat this cold. The sleeves on my jacket start to tear away. I hope I end up in an industrial zone. I’ll ask for duct tape.

All I have to do is keep walking. Get my limbs moving to warm me up.

My feet begin to tire. If I stop, The cold wins. The holes on my boots aren’t helping. Maybe a few minutes wouldn’t hurt.

So there, I stopped to take a breather. I wasn’t even certain where I was. Not even sure what day it was. The kids are running around towards this building at this time of day.

It must be the weekend. Probably Saturday.

Of all places that I stopped, it was at this damned aquarium.

It was a public space, I could walk in and stay. It will be a lot warmer.

I saw my reflection by the glass that separated me and the fishes. I wondered if it really was me that was looking back. My beard was unkempt. It grew to a scruff, cradling my jaw. My eyes have grown tired. Deep bags rested underneath them. The years weren’t so kind to me. I can no longer bear the person looking back. I walked away.

People were avoiding me. Distancing me as I walk past them. I want to go to a place where I can sit in private.

There it was, the ‘special’ bench. It is empty. Seems like no one knows the secret.

I sat and laid my bag next to me. I took off my jacket and studied the rip. The tear has spread further apart. I was certain I had a needle and thread in my bag. Or was it a syringe?

I looked in my bag anyway. There was nothing useful, except the one photograph that was taken on that very bench. It was me, Mommy and Daddy. We were wearing those stupid fish hats. What a sweet bundle of joy I was. It has been years since I laid eyes on that picture.

I stared at the photo as long as I could. It was a bad idea. I felt a pinch inside my chest. I used my jacket to cover my face and wipe any tears that may fall down.

“I hate this stupid place!” I tell myself. I rock myself back and forth, “STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!”

“Sir, you are making the visitors uncomfortable. I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” a security guard said.

“No. Please. I just want some duct tape for my jacket,” I pleaded.

The visitors stopped and watched us in silence.

“I’m asking you nicely, sir,” said the guard.

“Just give me duct tape!” I repeated.

The guard reached for my arm and dragged me up.

I resisted and started yelling, “Duct tape! Duct tape! Duct Tape!”

“Stop, Harold! You are hurting him!” a voice shot up from a distance.

The guard stopped and looked back. A lady rushes towards me and helps me up.

The lady had dark hair, tied up to a ponytail. She wore glasses and smelled of roses.

“Ma’am, he is making a scene and making everyone uneasy,” explained Harold.

The lady sent the guard away and sat with me on the bench. She looked at my jacket. She promised she would give me duct tape.

Harold came back with two cups of coffee and a roll of duct tape. It was the best cup I’ve had in a while.

Guilt rushed over me. I was not sure how to repay this gesture. I said to the lady, “This bench is special.”

The lady raised an eyebrow, “How so?”

“My father told me that this bench gives you the best view of the aquarium. You sit here long enough, you’ll see most of the fish swim by,” I explained.

“I know that,” said the lady.

“But how? Not everyone knows that?” I wondered.

“This is my favorite bench, Isaac,” she said.

I was speechless. How does she know that? How does she know my name?

The lady took off her glasses and smiled, “Remember me? Octopus Girl, you called me. It is me, Bella.”

I studied her face. She still had the freckles, her body finally proportioned to her large head.

Bella works here as the principal aquarist. I have no idea there was such a term.

“So, you run this stupid place?” I said. At least the coffee was warm.

“You need to get rid of the word ‘stupid’ out of your vocabulary,” Bella says.

“I grew to hate this place, you know?” I reminisced. “My father used to like this bench. Until he left. The visits here grew painful over the years. Tracy dumped me here. Before Mom passed, she asked if we could have a lunch date here. I didn’t bother showing up.”

Great, I’m tearing up once again.

Bella placed her hand on my shoulder. She gave it a gentle squeeze, “I know things have been difficult with you lately. I’ve heard what happened to you. I don’t usually keep tabs on everyone after high school. Except for one guy, who gave me that nickname.”

I took a deep breath, “Go ahead. Gloat. You’re in this top dog position while I’m here at the bottom, fighting for scraps, who owns next to nothing… I deserve it.”

“Oh don’t be dramatic. Lighten up!” encouraged Bella.

“How can I lighten up with my current situation?” I snapped at her.

“Crash at my condo then,” Bella offered.

I told Bella I’ll stay for a week until I can sort myself out. As it turns out, a week turned into a month and so on. She urged me to stay until I could clean up.

Bella got me a job cleaning at the aquarium. Cleaning the gunk is not as fun as being a marketing director, but Octopus Girl made it fun for various reasons. She’s a big help to my recovery.

There are nights I’m woken by cries in Bella’s living room. She’s drowning herself in Moscato again. Years ago, she lost her husband through an overdose.

Perhaps it’s the reason why she fights. She fights for me and for herself to carry on. I still don’t understand why bad things happen to good people. I never will.

I don’t have anything to help her. I just listen and watch her down a bottle or two. I wanted to join her, but I’m not ready for a drink. Plus, I hate Moscato.

She’ll then help herself next to me in the bed. Bella will blabber on and on until we both pass out.

All the time, it is an out pour of regret. She should have fought alongside her husband, instead of turning him away. She could have prevented letting his vice fester in him.

Before she engages in her deep sleep, she always says how much she believes in me and how I can turn myself back around.

I just whisper to her, “God damn it, Octopus Girl. I want to believe in myself too.”

***

I walk into this aquarium and look back. Bella wanted to build memories with me here. Just to suppress the painful ones. You can say that Bella is the best thing that has ever happened.

We have two children and a grandson to attest to that.

It is hard trying to keep up with the little one. My knees are aching and I’m always limping. The days pass and I grow weak.

Though the aquarium visits give me a boost of energy for the day. I’m not as young as I used to.

My grandson is like a ball, jumping all over the place. He is always complaining how slow I was to approach the ‘special’ bench.

When Bella was around, she was patient with me. She walked by my side, at the pace my body is capable of.

I finally sat down. It was a labored marathon. I’m just glad my family gets to enjoy the visits here. The way me and Bella enjoy them.

Now I can sit here and enjoy the view.

I know my Octopus Girl is waiting. Let me just watch all the fishes swim one last time.