The Accidental Abduction

“Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say,” said Carl, stepping carefully through underbrush he and his buddy Melvin could barely see in the nighttime forest.

“Who’s ‘they?’” said Melvin.

“You know, scientists. It’s ‘cause there ain’t no air follicles to rattle around and carry the noise.”

“That don’t make no sense.”

“That’s why you only have a GED and I have six and a half credits at Okefenokee Community College. Anyway, when they take you up you can’t make no sound, and that’s why—”

“Carl, you know no one believes you got abducted.”

“That’s ‘cause they’re ignorant about what’s out there in the universe.”

“Or ‘cause you never tell the story the same way twice.”

Carl stopped in his tracks, and Melvin stumbled into him, making him drop his cooler and fishing pole.

“Melvin, I think we’re lost.”

“You said you knew which way the lake was,” said Melvin, feeling around the ground for the fishing pole.

“I do when it’s light out.”

“I told you we shouldn’t’ve come here in the dark,” said Melvin. “Nobody goes fishing at night.”

“And I told you, I can’t get no time off in the day. I got to cover two shifts a day at the machine shop ’til the end of June.”

“You need a job that don’t take advantage of you,” said Melvin, getting back to his feet.

“Ain’t nowhere else in town I ain’t already worked,” said Carl.

“You mean nowhere you ain’t been fired from.”

The two walked on into the woods.

“I can’t help it if local businesses don’t appreciate a talented employee when they see one.”

This time Melvin stopped. “What was that?”

“What was what?”

“That noise. Shine the light over to your left.”

Carl whipped the flashlight to their left, and both men jumped at the sight of something small and furry hissing and baring its teeth at them.

“Just a raccoon,” said Melvin.

“I can see that.”

The little animal seemed to shake its head before turning its back and ambling off into the shadows.

“See?” said Carl, “Even he knows you ain’t worth nothing.”

“He was looking at you.”

“Let’s follow him.”

“Why you want to follow a raccoon?”

“Maybe he’s headed to the lake,” said Carl, walking on.

Melvin sighed and followed.

They made it a few paces before the flashlight began to dim.

“Dammit, Melvin, I thought I told you to get new batteries for this thing.”

“I did. They’re back at the truck.”

“Well, what good are they gonna do us back there?”

“You wanna go back now?”

Carl stopped again. “Don’t need to. I think I see the lake.”

“Where?”

“I see some light up ahead. See where I’m pointing?”

“Carl, I can’t see where you’re pointin’ in the dark.”

“Just walk where you’re hearing my voice, then,” said Carl, heading off into the darkness.

“Wait! You sure it’s the lake?”

“What else would it be?”

It wasn’t the lake.

“You seeing what I’m seeing?” whispered Carl.

“I think so. Unless you’re looking somewhere else.”

“Melvin, what are they?”

“I don’t know, but they don’t look right.”

The path to the light had ended in a clearing where Carl and Melvin found two tall, thin figures setting up some kind of unrecognizable equipment. They wore dark clothing, what looked like flight suits. Their feet were a little too long, and they looked like they had two sets of knees, one that didn’t bend the right way.

“Think they’re government?” said Carl.

“In the woods? In the dark? Looking like that?”

“I don’t think they saw us yet.”

One of the mystery beings spoke to the other in a language Carl and Melvin had never heard before, which, to be fair, could be almost any non-English language. The other one said something back and flipped a switch on a large, cylindrical silver machine, lighting up the entire clearing, including where Carl and Melvin were standing.

The two figures stopped and looked at them for a moment, then at each other. Then they started doing what they were doing before, but a lot faster.

Carl and Melvin could see faces now, and were frozen rigid by what they saw. The two beings were blue. Very blue. They had medium-blue skin with large, darker blue freckles and something blue on their heads that wasn’t exactly hair but passed for it, and they started frantically chatting back and forth in the same mysterious language.

“What do we do?” said Melvin.

“We should run.”

“You first.”

“I’m right behind you.”

As Carl and Melvin continued not running, one of the beings shouted something, picked up a small device, and held it up in front of him.

“He’s gonna shoot us, Melvin!”

“Tell him not to do that!”

Before Carl could think, he found himself running at the one wielding the device, screaming, “Get ‘em!”

Melvin followed close behind, yelling, “Carl, wait!”

Before they could reach the aliens, there was an intense flash of light, and a sound like everyone was screaming at once. Then everything went dark and silent.

“Carl!” whispered Melvin. “You awake?”

“I don’t know. Were we just in the woods running at a couple of blue folks?”

“I think so.”

Carl opened his eyes and sat up. The floor was cold, but the room was about ten degrees warmer than the woods. Everything was flat gray metal with blue and green highlights and symbols painted here and there. There were panels with screens and keyboards, and a small circular window on one wall.

“I think I need to throw up,” he said, pushing himself to his feet.

“I already threw up in the corner over there, if you want to keep it all in one place.”

“Melvin…we’re on a space ship, aren’t we?”

“I think so. I keep hearing them tall folks talking over the speaker, and those computer screens got some weird symbols instead of letters, and I can see the Earth out that window over there.”

Carl ran to the window and looked out. “I knew it! We got abducted!”

“Carl, don’t start with your abductions.”

“Melvin, we’re on a spaceship!”

“Just ‘cause we’re on a space ship don’t mean your abduction story ain’t bullshit.”

“What you think abduction is, genius? They brought us up to their ship! They’re gonna dissect us or probe us or—“

“If they were abducting us, why didn’t they tie us up or—“

The two men both flinched as a voice behind them said, “Do you two always argue like this?”

They spun around. It was one of them. Tall, thin, blue skin. He didn’t look or sound threatening, but there was no doubt they were looking at an alien.

“Stay back,” said Carl. “I know kung fu.”

“What?” said Melvin. “You had two lessons!”

“Man, he didn’t know that,” said Carl. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Just sick of you always telling people you know kung fu when you ducked out after two lessons.”

“Well, you try those damn horse stances and see how long you last.”

“Jesus,” said the alien. He was a bit more human-looking that the two were expecting, based on about a dozen different movies, TV shows, and improbable documentaries about alien conspiracies they’d seen. He had a mouth and a nose and two regular-sized eyes with regular-looking, hazel-colored irises.

“Now, hold on there,” said Melvin. “Carl here might suck at kung fu—“

“Hey!”

“—but there’s two of us and one of you.”

“Calm down, idiots,” said the alien. “You’re not in any danger.”

“Don’t believe him,” said Carl. “Why would they abduct us if they weren’t going to…do stuff to us?”

“Because you ran at us screaming when we were teleporting back to our ship!” said the alien. “I don’t know how teleporters work where you’re from, but we can’t just stop ours in the middle of transferring our molecules from one place to another. And once you stepped in, we were pretty much committed to bringing you up in one piece as well.”

“Um, mister,” said Melvin, “we don’t have teleporters where we’re from.”

“Yes, I knew that,” said the alien, slowly. “I was being facetious.”

“What’s he mean, Carl?”

“You know the way the bartender at the Red Rooster got that time you got drunk and hit on her?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s bein’ like that,” said Carl.

“Oh,” said Melvin, looking at his shoes.

“So, you’re not gonna probe us or…dissect us?” said Carl.

“What? No,” said the alien. “Why would we want to do that?”

“That’s what aliens do.”

“What aliens? Mad scientist aliens?”

“Told you,” whispered Melvin to Carl.

“No, just—what are we doing here, then?” said Carl.

“You passed out after you were transferred up here,” said the alien. “Your system wasn’t prepared for teleportation, and we weren’t sure you were going to wake back up. To be honest, we didn’t know what to do with you. You certainly weren’t in any shape to send back down.”

“We?” said Carl. “How many you got in here?”

“Just me and Oolik. I’m Eruum.”

“I’m Carl, and this is Melvin.”

“Yes, I memorized your names while you were arguing. Don’t worry, we’ll get you back down to your planet.”

Melvin raised a hand.

Carl shook his head. “Melvin, you don’t need to raise your hand like you’re in class.”

“Um, Eruum?” said Melvin. “Why can you speak English?”

“I can’t,” said Eruum, tapping the side of his head. “Translator. Now, let’s go see about those probes.”

“What?” said Carl and Melvin in unison.

“Just kidding. Why don’t you come meet Oolik. I’m sure she’ll find you amusing.”

“She?” said Melvin.

“Don’t even think about it,” said Carl.

“You’re not going to attack us again, are you?” said Oolik after Carl and Melvin introduced themselves on the bridge. She was seated at a control panel in a long, narrow room that tapered toward the front.

“No, ma’am,” said Carl. “We were just…it was a misunderstanding. We thought you had a gun.”

“Um, sir? Ma’am?” said Melvin. “What Carl means is we’re sorry for jumping you when you were just trying to get back to your ship.”

“No harm done,” said Oolik. “I suppose we’re just lucky you didn’t have guns.”

“We quit bringing guns on fishing trips,” said Carl, “after Melvin shot a hole in a boat we were fishing in.”

“There was a crocodile under the boat,” said Melvin.

“Melvin, there ain’t no crocodiles in Florida,” said Carl.

Oolik looked at Eruum and said, “Wow, you weren’t kidding.”

“Are you the captain, ma’am?” said Melvin.

“We don’t have a captain,” she said. “We’re scientists.”

Melvin stared at her blankly for a moment, then said, “If someone screams in space, can someone else hear it?”

“What?” said Oolik. “No, of course not. Where did that come from?”

“Told you,” said Carl.

“Oooookay,” she said. “Eruum, why don’t you go and get these two prepared for transferring back to the surface while I find a good spot to set them down.”

“Right,” said Eruum, walking to some kind of dispenser on the starboard wall. He returned with two cups, each full of something that looked like a smoothie. “You two should probably drink these.”

“What’s in ‘em?” said Carl.

“Vitamins, minerals, a mild muscle relaxant,” said Eruum. “You can try going back through the teleporter without it, if you don’t mind being unconscious in the woods at night when you get back to Earth.”

“Give it here,” said Melvin, taking a cup. Carl carefully took the other and sniffed it.

“I’ll be back in a moment,” said Eruum, walking back over to Oolik’s station. “Don’t touch anything,” he said over his shoulder.

Melvin slurped the drink. “Tastes like…sugary battery acid?”

Carl sipped a bit of his and winced. “You think we can trust ‘em?”

“Yeah. They seem nice.”

“They’re still aliens.”

“Maybe aliens are all nice,” said Melvin, setting his half-full cup on the console next to him. “Like E.T. aliens.”

“Why would they just let us go? You don’t think they’d be afraid we’d tell everyone about ‘em first chance we get?”

“Like you been telling people about aliens for five years?”

“That’s different.”

“‘Cause it’s bullshit?”

“It ain’t bullshit, moron, it happened!” said Carl, shoving Melvin back into the console and knocking over his cup. Sparks flew from the panel as the drink sloshed over it. Carl and Melvin both froze and looked at each other, then over at Oolik and Eruum, who had stopped talking and were looking at them from across the bridge.

Eruum walked over to where they were standing. “Did I just see sparks fly out of something? Maybe one of these panels?”

“Um…yes, sir,” said Melvin.

“Which panel?”

“Um...”

“Maybe the one with the vitamin drink all over it?”

“Yes, sir. That one.”

Eruum inspected the panel, wiped off the rest of the slush, then turned to Oolik. “Is there any change in the status of the ship?”

“Checking…yes, our camouflage is down.”

“Camo…” stared Carl. “You mean—“

“We’re visible up here,” said Oolik.

“Dammit, Melvin, he just told you not to touch anything!” said Carl.

“You pushed me!” said Melvin.

“Simmer down, you two,” said Eruum. “It’ll probably be a while before anyone—“

A crash of something like thunder rocked the ship. Eruum and Carl braced themselves against the console as Melvin toppled to the floor.

“Oh, hey, our shields are working, at least,” said Oolik.

“What hit us?” said Eruum, helping Melvin to his feet.

“Some kind of missile.”

“That’d probably be the US orbital defense grid, ma’am,” said Melvin.

“The US orbital what?” said Oolik.

“It’s a system that detects unidentified aircraft or spacecraft in orbit or in the upper atmosphere and launches volleys of missiles at it until it blows up or goes away,” said Melvin.

“Wow,” said Oolik, “that was, um…a very clear description.”

“I read about it in Defense Tech Weekly.”

Carl shook his head. “You and your magazines.”

“So, I take it we can expect a lot more of those?” said Eruum.

“Good thing we got those shields,” said Carl.

“We’ve got to get out of here right now,” said Oolik.

“What?” said Carl and Melvin in unison.

“Our shields were meant for debris in space,” she said. “Light collisions, not a sustained missile attack.”

“But ain’t these alien shields always impenetrable?” said Carl.

“That’s when the aliens are evil,” whispered Melvin. “When the aliens are good, they’re easier to kill. Like in the movies.”

“You said you were gonna send us home!” said Carl.

“If we don’t get out of here right now, you’ll be going home in a bunch of little pieces,” said Oolik.

“Just do it,” said Eruum.

“We can’t leave!” said Carl, running to Oolik’s station. “We’ve got…stuff to do down there!” He grabbed at the controls in front of her, making the ship dive starboard, throwing Eruum and Melvin to the floor.

“You little—“ shouted Oolik, “Get away from me!”

“We got to land!” shouted Carl as Oolik shoved him to the floor.

“You’re going to get us all killed,” she said.

Melvin jumped to his feet and ran to Carl, holding him back from the station. “Carl, just let ‘em do it! I don’t want to die!”

"Brace yourselves." Oolik leveled out the ship and sped it along a winding trajectory, dodging the next of the missiles and pulling the nose up toward the stars. “I think we’ll be out of range in a few seconds.”

Carl stayed on the floor. He knew they were right. He and Melvin would just have to wait.

“That’s it,” said Oolik. “No way they can hit us this far out. So, unless there are any other defense systems you want to tell me about…”

“Not that I know of, ma’am,” said Melvin.

Eruum offered Carl a hand. “I promise you we’ll get you back home as soon as we can. We just need to go somewhere where we can repair the damage from the missile. And the vitamin drink.”

Carl took Eruum’s hand and rose to his feet with a sigh. “Where we goin’?”

“The next planet out,” said Oolik. “Mars, right?”

“You ain’t from Mars?” said Melvin.

“Ha! No,” she said.

“We’re not from this star system,” said Eruum. “But we do have an outpost on Mars. You can stay there for a day or two while we get everything fixed up.”

“A day or two…” said Carl.

“Can you get us back at the same time we left? Like, so no time passes?” said Melvin. “We got work in the morning.”

“What? No,” said Eruum.

“You don’t have time travel?”

“Remind me to tell you the story of the first people who tried to make time travel work,” said Eruum, “and why no one ever tried it again.”

“Looks like we’re about to be out of work,” said Melvin.

“Yep,” said Carl.

“Carl?”

“What?”

Melvin grinned. “We’re goin’ to Mars.”

“Yep,” said Carl, gazing out the window at a shrinking Earth.

“Think they’ll have breakfast?” said Melvin.