thank you ghost

We were 10km away from the town; 10km away from the city I left. The deadbeat icy highway pulled the bus to a slow, bumpy stop on the side of the road, as if my unconscious was pulling me back, trying to stop me from running away. The sun was turning red and expanding over the sky, as it began to set behind the great white mountains.

“What’s going on?” The pretty girl in front of me chirped.

The bus driver got up, “sorry my dear nighttime fellows, the bus seems to be having some engine troubles. It should take about an hour or so for help to arrive.”

A guy shot up his hand like he was still in school.

The bus driver pointed at him. “Yes sir?”

“Can we go out to stretch our legs or something?”

“Yes of course – just don’t get too far I hate counting and I wouldn’t want anyone to get lost.”

The bus driver opened the door with a creak. The guy got off the bus with a few of his friends. A couple girls followed.

I had been stranded like this once before. I was 18. It was the first party I got drunk – really drunk. I thought I would feel free – really free – if I were drunk. Fulfil the dream of being the wild girl in a teen movie and have a boy life me. I threw up in their bathroom quietly, wiped my face so no one would see, but they saw it in my eyes. They were embarrassed for me. I hated them for that look. I hated them. I left them all; it felt powerful leaving the party, like it wasn’t good enough for me. I got in my parents’ stupid rusted van. Mascara smudged black lines down my cheeks. I was a devastation to look at, but there was no one to look at or care. I got what I wanted. Weak, scared, alone. Not a single car on the road to catch a glance of me and speed away. The bitter humor of having a phone that no messages. Phone reception but having no one who would answer if I called. That was a lie. I didn’t want anyone to answer. They would answer out of obligation. And there would be that slow pause of them thinking, ‘we’re not close enough friends for her to ask that of me – surely she has someone else to help her – and think of an excuse to hang up. I dialed dad. It went to voicemail 10 times. He would probably call back tomorrow night and apologize and say he was working late. I slammed the car door. I walked home. All the way feeling the sharp light of passing cars on my back and wondering if one of them would see me as easy prey.

The group outside was loud. The air inside the bus began to thicken with sweat and grease and coat the windows in thick ice. I pressed my hand, melting to stinging numbness. Water dripped down and I looked through the glass window. The guy pushed one of the girls into a pile of snow, and she squealed. My head pounded and turned. The air was too thick.

I stood away from them. I walked to the edge of the road and looked down into the valley. At the base of the valley was a lake. No. It was too small to be a lake – too forgotten and hidden to be called anything but a pond. A nameless pond.

“What is it!? Do you see something?” The voice came from behind me. It was the girl. She peered over my shoulder, too scared to come closer to the edge. The rest of the group followed her. The guy made a noise that I could only imagine was supposed to be a bear roar. She startled.

“The question is: would you rather walk 10km, with strangers slowing to pass you on the highway at night, or to walk 10km through the forest with unknown animals, small or large or hungry, with no one, not even a stranger to hear your scream?”

“Cougars kill to survive, when they’re starving – humans kill for other reasons.”

“We’re not starving yet.”

“Come on you know what I mean.”

“At least you can reason with a human.”

“Not all of them.”

The girl turned to me. “What is it down there?”

“Just a pond.”

“But you’re staring at it so intensely. You’re freaking me out.”

“I’m just thinking.” They were all looking at me. “…I just wonder if anyone has been down to that pond before. It seems so forgotten.”

“Good idea.” The guy jumped over the snowbank and started making his way down the hill. It was slow going. The snow made it impossible to get good footing and the ground was slippery underneath.

Night came on suddenly. Darkness pulled over the sky light a great cloud. The sky blended into the earth into a veil of black. The town began to turn on their lights, one by one, breaking through the dark. The stars began to reflect on the snow and our eyes softened to the subtleties of night – seeing the black outlines of trees, grey grass, and the shine of ice on the pond.