Thalassophobia

I messed up. When I was eight years old my mother told me not to watch JAWS on television. My idiotic response was to watch JAWS on television. It was right before my first swim lesson. When I walked to the edge of the pool, I imagined that the moment I jumped in, a secret door would open in the deep end of the pool and a murderous Great White Shark would come out and eat me whole. Long story short, I never learned to swim. I have been petrified of water ever since.

I made excuse after excuse as to why I could never go swimming in the river/lake/ocean…usually it was “I’ll just watch the purses, cell phones, wallets, etc.” Then I met Elizabeth. A week before my senior year in college, a group of my friends were going to the river and one of my friends (Samantha) brought with her a transfer from another university – Elizabeth. I have never met anyone so terrifying and beautiful at the same time. When everyone went into the water and I stayed on the shore, she called me out.

“Hey, what are you doing over there?” I could tell she could smell my fear.

“You know, just watching the purses and stuff.” I was trying to play it cool as best I could.

“Well I think they are safe, we are the only people out here…why don’t you come into the water?” She pressed.

“Oh he always does this.” Samantha said with smirk.

"Shut up Sam!" I yelled defending myself.

“Are you afraid of the water?” Elizabeth continued her pursuit.

“I am not afraid of the water.”

“Sam, I think he’s afraid of the water.”

“I know he’s afraid of the water.”

“C’mon…me? I am not afraid of the water. I’m not afraid of anything.”

“Ben! Ben! Ben!” Everyone began chanting my name. God damnit!

“Hey guys! Do we need Ben to watch our stuff?” Liz yelled to everyone swimming. They replied simultaneously “No!” and all began to laugh.

She began to wave me in and mouth “Come on.” I reluctantly took off my shirt and shoes and began walking into the river. It was a hot summer day and I must admit the water felt quite cool, the water rushed between my toes and the sand was both warm and cool the deeper my feet sank. She outstretched her hand and for the first time in my life I wasn’t afraid of the water. I took her hand and she smiled.

“See…it’s nice.” She whispered.

“I can’t swim.” I replied under my breath.

“Well, it’s a good thing it's only waist deep and there’s no strong current.” She was impossible to argue with.

We have been inseparable ever since. Looking back on it now, I know that I fell in love with her the moment she took my hand. No one has ever been able to get me into the water except for her. One of the many reasons I married her a few years after college. One thing she always talked about doing for a dream honeymoon was snorkeling in the Bahamas. She knows I am still afraid of deep water so she never pushed for it. On the plane she said, “When we get to the island, we only have to do whatever you’re comfortable with.” She is so wonderful, I’m so glad she has no idea that I have been learning how to swim in secret for the last few months, and as a surprise gift to her we are taking a snorkeling trip when we get to the resort.

“After we get checked in, I gotta show you something.” I whispered in her ear.

I paid a valet twenty bucks to put all our snorkeling trip info in a zip lock bag, 2 snorkeling masks and sink it in the deep end of the pool with some rocks off the beach. After we got room service, I took her to the pool and jumped in. She screamed thinking I didn’t know how to swim, until I started pedaling in the water. With her hands to her mouth, she smiled.

“I need to grab something hold on.” I swam to the bottom of the pool for the packet of information and the snorkel kits. As I came up, she was crouched at the end of the pool beaming.

“This is the most important thing I’ve ever asked you.”

“More important than asking me to marry you?”

“Okay, the second most important thing I’ve ever asked you.” I handed her the packet of information and the masks. “Will you go snorkeling with me?”

She began to laugh and jumped into the pool with me. “Yes! Yes! I can’t believe you learned to swim for me! Oh my God yes! You sneak! How did you keep this from me!? You can’t keep anything from me!”

The following day, with a few other couples also on honeymoon, we embarked on our snorkeling adventure. When we arrived to our first location, Liz with zero hesitation, jumped in. I was the last one on the boat. I scanned the ocean for the great white fin that would undoubtedly be heading straight for me. She swam to the side of the boat and climbed the ladder.

With an outstretched hand she reassured me, “Babe its safe, come on.” It was the river all over again.

With my mask on I jumped in. As my mask dipped beneath the water line, I couldn’t help but feel a little overwhelmed with the hidden world underneath. Teeming with vibrant life. It seemed like Finding Nemo was a more realistic depiction the ocean, compared to my JAWS-induced ocean prejudices, which instantly melted away. We spent all day traveling from location to location exploring hidden coves, swimming with exotic fish and turtles. I couldn’t get enough, it was as if I was making up for a lifetime of inexperience. When I finally did pop up out of the water, I realized that I was the only person not in the boat and the sun was setting.

“Honey! There is one down here that looks like it has pheasant feathers!” I exclaimed.

“It’s called a Lionfish babe!” Liz said laughing.

Liz was on the boat explaining to the other couples my journey with water, she is a very charming woman and had them all quite entertained, I could tell she was buying me some time, because I wanted to milk the last few minutes of daylight to continue my exploration. Suddenly, all the fish began to scatter. I could hear muffled voices getting louder from above. I surfaced.

“Ben! Ben! Get out man!”

“Sir swim to the boat!”

“Baby! Get out of the water!” Liz exclaimed while everyone pointed west.

A cold chill ran down my spine as I looked over my shoulder to see my every one of my oceanic fears come to fruition. I could see a shark fin heading towards me, frozen in fear I hesitated. I missed my window to get to the boat. The shark began to circle me, and the circle kept getting smaller. I was maybe fifteen yards from the boat. The tail began to thrash as it circled. One of the men on the boat threw a knife to me.

“Aim for the nose if it attacks! Keep your eyes on it at all times!” He yelled. I could see the captain on the radio preparing for the worst.

I unsheathed the blade and rotated with the shark, seeing it thrash over and over more violently than before. In that moment, I began to fear the worst. I looked at Liz at the edge of the boat, feeling helpless, her eyes filling with tears as she watched. Her face infected with panic.

“Do something!” She yelled at the captain.

I am not going to let her see me die on our honeymoon. “It’s going to be okay baby!” I yelled.

In my moment of distraction, I felt the shark brushed past me, and thrash. Something doesn’t feel right. Everyone on board gasped. I dipped beneath the water to keep my eyes on the shark, knife at the ready. The last thing I heard my wife say was “No!” as I dipped beneath. It was getting darker by the minute, as the sun dipped beneath the horizon. But something didn’t feel right about that brush. The circling shark got closer to me and began to slow down, it appeared fatigued. I realized what it was. A fish net was wrapped around its head and its dorsal fin, and one of the pectoral fins movements was hindered. It was desperately trying to get free but losing its strength. With the knife in my hand I swam in unison with the shark, I grabbed the dorsal fin and began to cut the net. I could feel the shark slowing just for me. A moment of communication with a simple gesture, instilling a feeling of trust. He knew I was there to help. Just a few well-placed cuts and the shark shook the fishing net free.

The moment the shark was free, he jetted forward powerfully. He shot up from the water, almost celebratory with renewed vigor. He turned and began to swim towards me one more time. There is no way this shark is going to thank me by making me dinner. I thought. I couldn’t tell if it was fear or bravery I was feeling but the adrenaline pumping through my veins was making my hands shake under the water, as the shark swam towards me, I outstretched my shaking hand, he turned at the last moment and allowed me to pet him, from head to tail, my hand glided across his skin, so smooth, it was like touching a wet pool table ball and then weirdly like sandpaper, as he turned to swim in the opposite direction. I grabbed the net and swam to the boat. Everyone on the boat was cheering as I threw the net up for the captain of the boat to catch.

“Oh my god baby! I was so scared! That was incredible!” Liz yelled tears streaming down her face.

As I climbed the ladder, I looked toward the fin now following the setting sun. Halfway up the ladder, he jumped out of the water in celebration one last time, his gigantic tail silhouetted against the sun thrashing midair. As I got on board everyone congratulated and patted me on the back, I don’t think Liz has ever hugged me so tightly in my life.

“Do you know what kind of shark that was?” I asked the captain.

“Looked like a Big-Eyed Thresher shark, it’s on vulnerable species list. You did a good thing sir.” He replied.

Liz was still crying, “You don’t ever have to go in the water ever again. I’m so sorry. That was so scary.”

I looked once more at my new friend swimming off into the sunset and all that fear I once had melted away. I kissed Liz and looked at the captain.

“Can we book another trip tomorrow?”