Telling Myself I’m Not Falling for Her

It’s the second year of college. I’m young, questioning everything and have no idea I am gay. And then I saw her. Tall, blonde, curvy, tattoos, piercings.. she was the definition of perfection. I knew a couple things in that moment.. 1) yep, I am gay 2) I knew she was going to be an important part of my story. Now, I just needed to find a way to talk to this goddess.

My opportunity came a few days later, on Thursday to be exact. She sat next to me in our Child Psychology class. “Hi, I’m Elle.” She said with the biggest, whitest smile I had ever seen. “Hi, I’m Kellen.” I say back.. with much less confidence than she had. “I’m a senior. I took this class for fun. What about you?” She inquires. “Oh, ummm, I’m a sophomore and my degree is in General Psychology so this was a class I needed to take.” “Oh, cool! My degree is pre-counseling. I want to be a drug and alcohol counselor.” We talked for the next 5 minutes before class started. Not only was she absolutely stunning but also intelligent, caring, funny and seems into me… weird but I’ll roll with it. I tried so hard to focus on class that day. As class came to a close and I went to get up, she touched my arm and said “I’d love to make more friends around here. Mind if I grab your Snapchat or something?” I smiled and offered her my Snapchat. As I walked out of class, I checked and got a “hi! so nice meeting you today. :)” I was hooked. But .. she said friend.. no, no time to worry about that now. I was late to my math class.

As the weeks passed, our friendship grew stronger. We talked every single day, eventually switching to texting. We talked on the phone on the days we couldn’t hang out. This friendship just felt different. I couldn’t really describe it so I kept this to myself. I only told my best friend, Ellen (funny enough) and she said “girl, that’s not just a friend.” And I felt that, too but I wasn’t trying to push it.. so I just stayed her friend. One day, about 3 weeks into our friendship, Elle texted me “hey! I know this is sudden but I was wondering if you’d be down for a sleepover sometime?” I texted back, “that sounds fun! when were you thinking?” We set up a plan for that coming Friday after school. I was lowkey a little freaked out but I knew we had at the least built a great friendship.

Friday dawned and I could hardly contain myself. As the day came to a close and I dashed home, and she texted me, “can’t wait to see you!” I grinned so hard I thought I was going to break my face. I rushed home, showered and packed a bag then headed to Elle’s. I put her address in my map and wow, 7 minute drive. So I texted her and headed that way. As I knocked on her door, I could feel my heart in my stomach. Elle swung the door open with a huge grin. “Hiiiii!” She squealed. “Come on in!” I slid my shoes off and asked where I could set my bag. She led me through her tiny apartment to the bedroom. “Here is fine.” She led me back into the kitchen to the cutest charcuterie board and bowl of fruit. “I didn’t know what you would want. So I made this as a snack and picked up stuff for dinner.” She definitely seemed nervous too. I was quietly thankful I wasn’t the only one. We ate snacks, talked so much, watched movies and had the best time. Sharing a bed with a beautiful woman who may or may not be interested in you is .. interesting. We hung out most of Saturday before I knew I had to head home to take care of my cats. I didn’t want to leave and I don’t think she wanted me to leave.

About 6 months have passed and we have had so many sleepovers, little road trips and adventures and I had fallen so in love with her. But we were still friends. So that’s fun. Still, only Ellen knew I had a crush on Elle. I was so scared to lose Elle so I just didn’t say anything. But I decided that night (June 8th, 2022 to be exact) that things were going to change. I was going to tell Elle how I felt! So I bought some yellow roses (her favorite) and her favorite candy (Kit Kat) and texted her that I was on the way. We were supposed to hang out and watch movies. Elle had just graduated and was still looking for jobs so she had a lot of time and I was only working part time in the summer. Anyways, I took some deep breaths before getting into my car with the goodies and my bag (I always ended up staying the night) and headed her way. I knocked on the door and there she was.. as tall, blonde and hot as ever. She had on tiny denim shorts and a white tank top. I felt a little over dressed in my longer shorts and tshirt. “Hi.” She breathed. It was .. different. “Hi!” I said back, as causally as I could. I walked in and put everything down. She couldn’t stop thanking me for the flowers and chocolate even though it was a weekly thing. Then she just smiled at me and leaned into KISS me?! I kissed her back. And before I knew it her hands are in my hair and everything is going black. In that moment, it was us and only us. I just knew I had to kiss her for the rest of my life.