Take Me With You

“When are you going to accept the fact I’m no good for you?” he whispers in my ear, emerging from the shadows and sending little shivers of pleasure down my spine. I close my eyes, letting the feelings of pure bliss wash over me. He came.

“I can’t help it,” I admit, watching as shifts from behind me to across from me, his eyes never leaving mine. “When I wake up in the morning, you’re the first thing I think about, and when I go to sleep, I’m thinking of you.” He shakes his head, keeping the distance between us.

“We’ve talked about this Annie,” he breathes, eyes like two round sapphires. “You shouldn’t talk like that.” I swallow, feeling stung by his dismissal. But how can he expect me not to put into words the feelings that I know are real? And I know that he wants to be with me. Why else would he have come? I sink down into the soft hay that covers the ground and pat the empty spot beside me softly. For a moment his expression is torn but eventually he caves, coming to lay beside me. From this spot we can see the night sky full of stars through the broken slats of the old barn. I only wish that we could’ve done this more, before... I stop myself, the familiar inky feeling coiling in the pit of my stomach and stealing my breath away. Instead I prop myself up on one arm and let myself be distracted by Noah’s perfect features in the moonlight. The way the moon beams highlight the tip of his unruliest brown curl, the one that always sticks to his forehead, the way the shadows accentuate the delicate point at the end of his nose, the soft curve of his smile. In this moment I want nothing more than to feel those lips pressed against me and be surrounded by the sweet smell of him again.

“Kiss me,” I demand suddenly and when he turns to me his eyes are full of sorrow.

“You know I can’t do that.” He says gently and my eyes burn with hot tears. I wipe them away with the back of my hand before returning my attention to the stars.

“Fine, then at least tell me a story,” I sigh, closing my eyes, letting the familiar sound of his voice wash over me. When Noah is here with me, then everything feels right in the world. I wish that I could spend all day, every day here with him, but even still I cherish these fleeting moments that we have together, no matter how brief. He tells me the greatest story, the only one that matters, and I know every word because it’s our story. The story of how we met, fell in love, and how it was us against the world. When he nears the end, my tears are flowing freely, carving familiar paths down my cheeks. The story is a painful reminder that all good things must come to an end.

“The end,” he says quietly and I suck in one ragged breath.

“It doesn’t have to be.” I insist and I think I hear him sigh. We’ve had this exact same conversation dozens of times but this time the ache in my chest turns into a roaring fire and I scramble to my feet. “Noah, how could you do this to me?” I sob for what must be the one millionth time. “Don’t you love me?” I watch as his face falls and a pang of guilt slices through me. It’s not fair for me to ask questions like that. It violates the unspoken rules of our time together, and yet tonight, I demand answers.

“I do love you Annie,” he insists, voice sincere. “I’ll always love you.”

“Then why did you leave me, don’t you understand how much this hurts?” My voice rips through my chest and echoes through the empty rafters of the barn, slipping through the broken slats until it joins the starry sky. “Please, I want to be with you. Just let me be with you.” I cry, my voice coming out garbled.

“Oh Annie,” the way he says my name is so familiar that I find myself shaking. I can’t. I just can’t. I turn away from him, and suck in a deep, painful breath, the inky black feeling returning and blurring the corners of my vision. He’s speaking again, it sounds like he’s saying goodby, but the sound comes to me from a far away place, like he’s on the other side of a churning black ocean. I drop to my knees, knowing what comes next. The piercing sounds of sirens ring in my ears, and I shake my head fiercely, as Noah backs away, the alluring shape of him growing more and more faint.

“No. Please.” I beg through gritted teeth, “Noah, come back.” But I know he won’t come back tonight. It’s too late. My body convulses as I flash back to the crash, the way the car spun, the feeling of the air being punched from my lungs by the airbag. “Please.” I repeat, alone once again in the barn, fighting against the memories of the day a part of me died. I lie on the barn floor, reliving the moment over and over again until the first rays of sun peek through the broken slats announcing that a new day has dawned. The sound of the barn door being opened startles me and my sister Charlotte sticks her head in, blinking as her eyes adjust to the darkness.

“Annie?”

“Over here.” My voice comes out hoarse and when she spots me a little worry line creases the skin between her eyebrows.

“I thought I’d find you here.” She murmurs, crossing over to me and wrapping me up with a tight squeeze. “Do you want to talk about it?” I shake my head, and with troubled eyes, she helps me pick the straw from my hair and helps me to my feet. We walk a few steps in silence, but Charlotte is persistent, and she stops me before I can escape through the door. “Did you see him again?” she wonders quietly and I avert her eyes, gazing down at the ground. I give a shrug and she shakes her head.

“You can’t keep doing this. This isn’t healthy.” Her voice cuts through the sleepy morning air and I regret that I ever told her about my nights with Noah in the barn. “Noah is dead, Annie.” Her words slice through me like a knife, and I stumble away from her, feeling the wound opening once again in my chest. He said he’d never leave me! I want to scream, but Charlotte will never understand. These quiet moments with him, here in the barn, are all I have left.

“He comes to see me.” I insist, and I don’t have to look at Charlotte to see the pity in her eyes.

“I was at the funeral,” her voice is soft. “You should have gone, Ann. It was beautiful.” My eyes sting with fresh tears, and I wrap my arms around myself in a tight hug, shaking my head furiously.

“I didn’t want to see him like that. I need to remember him the way he really was...the way he really is.” I correct myself and she sighs.

“Noah didn’t deserve to die so young, and you didn’t deserve to lose him” She gives me a sad smile. “You guys were perfect for each other-”

“-are perfect-” I correct her and she frowns.

“-But you have to move on, Annie. He isn’t coming back.” I shake my head again but it’s no use, so instead, I follow my older sister out of the old barn, but before the door closes I glance over my shoulder. Through the weathered brown pickets I catch a glimpse of him, leaning against a spare plank of wood, an inviting smile on his lips. I close the door softly, a flutter of excitement in my chest. Charlotte is right, Noah isn’t coming back, but he’s never really left me either. Not as long as I have our old barn under moonlight where I can meet him.