Streetlight of Hope

Glancing skyward through the windshield of my Ford Escape, I suppress the urge to scream. I am parked still, near the constantly blinking yellow light of the town’s one stoplight. For years, it has been broken, meagerly flashing red and yellow, a notice to drivers to stop or use caution. My work is on the corner, but my office faces the building beside us, meaning I don’t see this view from my window daily. It is only when coming or going am I forced to see the flash.

Today has been one of the worst days I’ve had on the job, though some stress came from outside those four walls. Recently it seems my life is falling apart at every turn. The hardship has paralyzed me, clutching my steering wheel without turning on the vehicle. I can’t bring myself to face what is awaiting me at home. I know I still need to finish packing, finish preparing for the move that awaits me. The divorce paperwork has been finalized for weeks now, and the lease on our apartment is up next week. Still, it is overwhelming, especially after a day like today. In truth, it is the kind of day where I want nothing more than to curl up in my bed and cry, feel the arms of a loved one wrapped around me. I don’t have that luxury anymore.

A tap at my window startles me, and I jump before looking over. Felix stands there waving, a broad grin on his face. I can tell he is trying to suppress a laugh at my expense. I turn my car on long enough to roll down the window, the radio blaring to life before almost as quickly dying. “Everything alright?” Felix asks, prompting me to nod. I know I should be friendlier, but Felix is the type of coworker that is overly friendly and drives everyone, including me, insane.

“Yeah, thanks.” My words are clipped, and I am immediately filled with regret. Felix has done nothing to deserve my anger. “Sorry.” The word sounds hollow, and I know my eyes hold a defeated gaze.

He shrugs, shaking off my harsh words. “I just wanted to make sure you weren’t stranded.” His caring almost breaks me, the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. The stress of my recent life is wearing on me, bringing me down.

“I know, and I appreciate it. I’m really sorry. It’s just been a rough couple of months.” I watch as he nods, and I can feel myself relax slightly. “You wouldn’t have time for a drink, would you? There’s a great bar a block down, and I could use one.” I don’t know what possesses me to ask, but I smile as he nods. Something is disarming about Felix, his short dark hair and five o’clock shadow with flecks of grey popping through. I hadn’t paid the man much attention, but he is attractive.

We begin to walk with me slightly in front of him. The silence is deafening, but the presence of another human brings comfort I haven’t felt in a long time. It is almost enough to make me want to reach out for his hand, but I stop myself. Instead, I reach for the door, ushering Felix inside. The place is hectic for a Tuesday night, and I feel myself panic for a moment before Felix motions me to a corner table as far from the crowd as possible. I sigh in relief and nod.

We sit, each slightly awkward in the others’ presence. I’m not used to being out with another person. The social graces are lost on me now, my self-imposed isolation taking a toll. A server comes over and takes our drink order, both sticking to Miller Lite. The bottles are brought, and I offer a small smile before taking a sip. “Why did you agree to come?” I can’t stop the question I’ve thought since he agreed to come here.

“You looked like you could use some company.”

The answer was simple but honest, and I nodded. There was no denying I was lonely. “Thank you. That means…” I trailed off, unsure of how to finish the sentence. It meant the world, but I couldn’t just tell a coworker that.

He glanced to the table, lost in his own thoughts for a moment. His words were so quiet I almost didn’t catch the fact he was talking. “I’ve been there. I noticed you stopped wearing your wedding rings, so I assume you are going through a divorce.” He doesn’t wait for me to agree before he continues talking. “I remember how alone I felt. I wanted nothing more than to scream at the world and everyone in it. I hated everything. I was miserable. When I finally found myself again, I vowed I would never be a prick to anyone again. I know we don’t know too talk much, but if you ever need someone, you can come to talk to me.”

I can feel the tears forming in my eyes and fight to keep control. I don’t want to lose it in front of Felix, but I know it’s a safe space. Clearing my throat, I try to change the subject to work, the upcoming deadlines on some significant projects, and life in general. Before I know it, we’re three drinks in, and the sun is beginning to set, visible through the large window at the front of the joint. “Shit, I didn’t mean to keep you out so late.”

“It’s alright. I had a fun night,” Felix says, grabbing the check from the table and glancing at it before putting a credit card down. I’m shocked, considering I was the one who invited him.

“You don’t have to pay,” I quickly rush to negate his offer, but he waves me away. I sigh and nod. “Thanks.”

“No problem. Just promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”

Again I nod. I know Felix wants to hear the words, but the lump in my throat prevents them from forming. I haven’t felt this cared about since before my divorce. We stand silently, each taking comfort in the friendship that is beginning to form. On the way back to our cars, I notice the street light, the green light now glowing proudly for all to see.