Steel Yourself

There weren’t always dragons in the Valley. But one day, that changed.

Aiden stared at his computer screen. The cursor flashed at him, almost mockingly. “This sucks”, he said. It was Thursday morning. The Sumpton Agency office was being renovated since part of the ceiling collapsed from water damage. Staff didn’t need to return until Tuesday.

Thank God. I can take these next few days to write, but I can’t even think of one good sentence. I’m never going to be a writer. What was I thinking?

He slammed the laptop shut before any more intrusive thoughts overwhelmed him. He grabbed his keys, wallet, and phone and walked out of his apartment, not bothering to lock the door.

I’m paying $2,000 a month for a box with no working lock. He sighed and immediately tried to clear his mind.

No more regrets, he thought.

Aiden walked along the broken concrete. His body automatically knew where to go. Or, perhaps, that place was pulling him like a magnet, and he was iron. That’s how Aiden viewed his body- as iron- beaten but remains strong. The one good thing about him that he didn’t necessarily like but that he appreciated about himself. His mind was different story; fragile, and delicate like glass. Clearing his mind was a defense mechanism to escape the black hole where his thoughts led him. They weren’t gone, but just behind the glass beating to get through. The thing about clearing your mind is it not only blinds you to what’s happening on the inside, but on the outside as well.

Aiden felt something hit his foot. He looked down and saw a beach ball.

I’m at the park already? he thought.

He picked up the ball as a little girl ran toward him.

“Hey! Sorry, can we have our ball back?”

Her curly, black hair was matted from sweat, and her shirt and shorts were grass-stained. Aiden smiled, and for some reason, felt pain.

“Yea, sure. Have fun”

“Thanks! You’re really nice”.

Aiden stood there, unable to move, as the girl ran back over to play with her friends.

You’re really nice

You’re really nice

You’re really nice

The words she said began ringing in his head.

What’s happening? He thought. Why can’t I move?

You’re really nice

Aiden looked up at the kids playing.

I feel sick. Why? It’s not like no one has ever said that before. Have they?

Of course, they have, that’s stupid. So… why?

You’re really nice

He felt the tears form in his chest and make their way up to his eyes.

You’re really nice

You’re really nice

Aiden’s head began to hurt.

Crack

***

Bzz Bzz

Aiden checked his phone.

Ryu’s name flashed across the screen.

“Hey”

“Hey! Are you ok?”

“Yea, I’m fine”

“Are you sure? You sound upset”

“I said I’m fine” Aiden said curtly.

There was silence.

“Sorry” Aiden said. “I’m ok. I’m just tired.”

“Ok”

“Sorry”

“It’s ok Aiden. What are you doing?”

“I’m in a park.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ah. Are you on your way to the Fortress?

“I guess I was.”

“Do you want me to come?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ok, I’m coming.”

Aiden smiled. His feet started to regain feeling. Ryu’s presence always helped him stay grounded.

“Ok”, he said “See you soon”.

The Fortress. Aiden chuckled to himself. Why does she still call it that?

Aiden met Ryu when they were 12. As a child, Aiden kept to himself, and his peers generally avoided him. Aiden had made attempts to befriend other students, but everyone had their groups and cliques, and he was left on the outside. Ryu transferred to Aiden’s middle school. Her family moved to Ohio from Japan when Ryu was 6. Ryu’s grandfather, who lived in Washington, became ill, and her family decided to move there to be closer to him.

When she first arrived, her accent and looks became a new source for the kids’ taunting.

But, unlike me, Ryu’s mind was iron. She fought back and tried hard to make friends. Ryu was so confident in herself, so helpful and kind, and strong, eventually, no one could resist anymore, and she made a ton of friends.

Aiden remembered how they met. Some kid made fun of him in a class they had together. It was a dumb comment, something about his hair maybe, nothing too hurtful; but Ryu said to him, “You’re mean! And if you keep being mean, no one will like you, and you’re going to die alone!”

She asked Aiden if he was ok and walked home with him from school. She talked so much, but Aiden was so happy someone was talking to him.

Aiden laughed thinking about that day. At 12 years old, he knew he did not want to leave her side.

I thought of her as my protector. I still do. I’m 26 and I still do. I’m pathetic.

They grew closer, and 2 years later, Aiden decided to share a secret with her.

“When I run away, I go to a secret place”

“Why do you run away?”

Aiden wondered why she focused on that part and not the ‘secret place’ part. He didn’t know what to tell her, he didn’t know what not to tell her or how much. What do you tell a friend? What do you keep from them?

All of these thoughts became more and more agitated and began affecting his entire body.

Am I a bad friend if I don’t tell her?

Will she still want to be my friend if I do? If I don’t?

Will I get into trouble? Will they? Will she?

Can I protect her? How? I can’t even protect myself.

Ryu touched his arm, and all the thoughts froze. He looked at her and blurted out, “When I’m angry, I run away”. He didn’t know why he said that or where it came from.

Was that the truth?

“Ok”, she said. “Show me the secret!”

Aiden was happy she responded the way she did.

They walked past the park and began to take back roads.

“Where are we going? She asked “How far away is it? My feet hurt”

“I don’t know”

“You don’t know?!”

Aiden hadn’t thought about it before. He found the place accidentally. He didn’t know what it was called, or what it was near, or how long he walked to get there.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it. When I run away, I just end up there. I don’t know where we’re going, but I know how to get there!

Ryu looked baffled.

“Oh no! We can turn back if you want. Sorry” Aiden said.

Ryu sighed. “It’s ok, let’s keep going. Just don’t kill me”

Aiden gasped. His eyes got wide, and he shouted, “I would never do that! I would never do that!”

Ryu laughed. “I’m kidding! Let’s go”

Oh.

A little over an hour later, they arrived. It was a small meadow with a little stream running through it. The grass was bright green and soft. Flowers and stones littered the ground.

“Wow! This is so pretty!”

Aiden smiled. He was glad she liked it. They spent the entire morning there. When they got back to their neighborhood, Ryu said “Let’s call that place the Fortress.”

“Why does it need a name?” Aiden said. “And it’s not really a fortress. It’s not strong enough to protect from attacks.”

“Well, first of all it needs a name because you didn’t know where we were going. And second of all it is strong enough because it protects your heart”

It protects my heart.

***

Aiden sat on the grass watching the butterflies, the swaying trees, listening to the birds signing, the leaves rustling and the gentle ripples of the stream.

Although his mind calmed, his heart still ached.

You’re really nice

You’re really nice

“Hey Aiden!”

Ryu walked over and sat beside him.

“Hey. Sorry again”

“It’s ok. But something is wrong. If you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine. But you need to make sure you deal with it. It will end up consuming you”

“Someone said I’m nice.”

“What?”

“A kid. A little kid. She said ‘you’re really nice’.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I guess because I gave her, her ball back.”

“Was she…. being sarcastic?”

Aiden looked at Ryu dumbfounded.

“No. I don’t think so.”

“How did you feel?”

“I…it hurt.”

“Aiden, you never believed it when anyone complimented you. I think this little girl made you listen.”

“I do believe it when I’m complimented”

“Do you? Or do you believe that we think you’re nice but that you’re not actually nice?”

Aiden felt a pang.

“Now, this kid says it and maybe you started to believe it”

“I don’t know what that means”

“Yes, you do Aiden. Don’t run away”

“I’m not running!”

“Yes, you are! And Aiden, ever since I’ve known you, I’ve tried to be as gentle as possible with your feelings. I think you needed that. But right now, I think you need to be pushed. And it might hurt, but you’re my friend and I care about you. So even if you get mad, I’m still going to push.”

“I won’t get mad. I know you do the things you do because you care.”

“Really?” Said Ryu, raising her eyebrow. “All right then. Aiden, do you think you’re nice?”

“That’s a dumb question Ryu.”

“Yes, it is. So, humor me.”

“Yea, I’m ok, I guess.”

“I didn’t ask if you were ok, I asked if you think you’re nice.”

“Yes.”

“Are you kind?”

“Yes.”

“Do you love others?”

“Yes.”

“Do you love yourself?”

Aiden stayed quiet.

Stop

“Aiden”

“Like I said, this is stupid”

“Answer the question”

Stop

“I don’t have to love myself”

“I never said you did. I’m asking if you do.”

Stop it

“I don’t have to”

“No, you don’t. But do you think you feel this way because you don’t deserve it? You said you’re kind, and you love others, so why not yourself? Is it because someone told you that?”

“Stop it!”

“Aiden, your parents-“

“STOP IT!”

Aiden’s voice sounded so unfamiliar to him. He never yelled. Why did he yell at her? Was he angry?

Yes. I’m angry. But is that all? Am I…

Crack

The earth began to shake, and an alarm sounded on their phones.

It’s an earthquake!

Aiden grabbed Ryu and held her. It felt like minutes, but only a few seconds had past and it was over.

“Are you ok?” Aiden asked.

Ryu had tears in her eyes.

“Yes, I’m fine”

“I’m sorry”

“It’s fine Aiden. Let’s go, I need to check on grandpa.”

“Ryu”

“I said it’s fine Aiden.”

The two of them walked to her car in silence.

“I’ll drop you off first”

“No that’s ok, I want to see him.”

Ryu was silent until they arrived at her grandfather’s house.

She turned off the car and said “To be honest Aiden, I don’t know if I want you to come in. I’m afraid that you’ll yell like that again.”

“I won’t! I said I was sorry I didn’t mean-“

“My grandfather’s a lot like me. He will push too when he notices something is wrong. But unlike me, he won’t be able to handle you yelling. Just wait here. I’ll tell him you said hi.”

Aiden’s chest hurt as he watched Ryu get out of the car and walk into Akio’s house.

You’re really nice

No, I’m not

You’re really nice

No! My friend is afraid I’ll hurt her. Hurt her family.

You’re really nice

You’re really nice

No!

Aiden vision got blurry, his chest tightened, he couldn’t breathe.

Help

He tried to take his phone from his pocket, but he became weaker with every passing second. Everything was spinning. He tried to yell but he couldn’t hear whether or not any sound was coming out. The earth began to shake, and everything went black.

***

Aiden woke up in a hospital bed. He was alone.

What happened?

Aiden began to recall how he ended up here.

I passed out.

“Ryu”

“She went to get some food for us”

Akio stood by the door. He looked the same as when Aiden first met him. There are more wrinkles, less hair and grayer; but Akio had the same tall, intimidating stance. It was hard to believe he was sick.

“Ok”

“Aiden. What happened?”

“I yelled at her. I’m sorry”

“That’s not what I meant”

Aiden looked at Akio. His light brown eyes were piercing. He said “Something happened, inside of you”

Aiden didn’t know what to say.

“Have you seen how many natural disasters were happening lately?” Said Akio.

“We had an Earthquake”

“Yes, two in fact”

“It was an aftershock”

“It’s more accurate to say the first one was a foreshock”, Akio said taking a seat.

“The second one was larger”

A foreshock? Does that happen?

Akio continued, “However, at what moment did those earthquakes happen?”

“What do you mean at what moment?”

“What were you feeling?”

“I don’t understand. What does that have to do with the earthquakes?”

“Listen, Aiden. You need to confront your feelings.”

“Or what?” Aiden’s voice was tense. He was getting annoyed.

Why? Why is this bothering me?

Because it doesn’t make any sense, that’s why.

“These feelings that you have stirring up inside of you will break you. You need to learn to confront them so you can move past them” Akio said.

“And Ryu needs to learn to keep her damn mouth shut” Aiden said through gritted teeth.

Why am I getting so angry?

“Both of you don’t know anything about me”

“We do know you Aiden”

“The hell you do!”

Aiden’s voice began to get louder. “All you’re doing is looking down on me and blaming me for an earthquake! Are you crazy?!”

Akio stayed silent.

His silence made Aiden become even angrier.

“So, it’s my fault there was an earthquake?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“YES YOU DID! DON’T FUCKING GASLIGHT ME!”

Aiden’s breath became labored.

“AS IF I WASN’T ALREADY BLAMED FOR SHIT JUST BECAUSE I EXISTED, NOW NATURAL DISASTERS ARE MY FAULT?!”

Akio remained silent.

“Ha. Your sickness must be getting to you.”

“What the hell did you just say?!” Ryu was at the door.

Aiden’s heart sank.

“I’m sorry-“

“Stop it Aiden. I understand that you’re going through something right now, but you crossed the line. I’m sorry if I offended you earlier, I really am- but this-“

Ryu’s eyes began to fill with tears.

What is wrong with me? Why would I say that?

“I-“ Aiden couldn’t bring himself to apologize again. It felt hollow. ‘Sorry’ wouldn’t make up for what he just did.

“We’re leaving Aiden. I’m glad you’re feeling better”

The two of them walked out of the room without looking back.

What is wrong with me? They treated me like family and because they said one thing I didn’t like; I go and say something like that?!

I am not kind. She was right to be afraid of me seeing her grandfather. I cannot love other people.

I am worthless.

The events of the day began to flood into his mind. He tried to push the thoughts away, but they kept coming. He tried to clear his mind, tried to think of other things, but nothing was working.

Crack

For the first time since he was a child, Aiden began to sob.

***

Aiden woke Monday morning. Saturday, he was discharged from the hospital with a diagnosis of anxiety attack.

The doctors asked him the same questions he was used to. He answered them on autopilot, telling them what they wanted to hear. They gave him anti-anxiety medication and sent him on his way.

Sunday came and went in a blur. And now it was Monday. Tomorrow, he would have to go back to work. He felt sick. He wanted to quit.

I’ll never be an author. I can’t quit. I just have to be ok with being miserable for the rest of my life. Hm. I guess there is some comfort in accepting it.

His apartment began to feel small.

I need to leave.

Aiden began walking and muscle memory led him on the familiar path to the Fortress. An hour later, he arrived. The Fortress was on the outskirts of Echo Valley. The Valley is popular and is always crowded, but this small section Aiden found as a child has remained largely untouched.

“It’s like it was made just for me” Aiden thought. Immediately, he resented that thought. “Nothing is meant for me, and I need to be ok with that.”

As much as he tried to slowly come to terms with that, his sadness grew. A part of him still held on to hope and it was slipping away.

Why?

Aiden sat down, feeling defeated. He wanted to scream. He opened his mouth and yelled as loud as he could. The sound that followed was a monstrous screech and the ground shook. Aiden sat frozen.

What was that? Another earthquake? What was that sound? Was that me?

No. I don’t understand.

This time, the screech was louder. Aiden realized the ground shook because of the sheer force of the sound. His ears hurt. He wanted to get up, but he couldn’t move.

Another screech, even louder than the last, punctured the air. Aiden covered his ears, but it was no use. The cry sounded painful, like a hurt animal. Aiden began to regain feeling in his body. He heard faint screams.

There are people in the Valley. What is going on?

Aiden began to regain feeling in his legs. He stood up to leave when in the corner of his eye he saw a shadow. Aiden turned around to face the thick forest surrounding part of the meadow. Hovering about the trees was…

No. No. What is happening? No. It’s not. It’s not. It can’t be. Am I going crazy? Am I going crazy?!

The creature raised its head and let out another blood-curdling screech. The screams from inside the Valley became louder.

Do other people see this?! Do they hear it?! I don’t understand! I can’t move!

It’s… a dragon!

As if hearing its name, the dragon turned its head and faced Aiden. Aiden’s heart began to pound forcefully in his chest.

No. No! How?! It can’t be.

I can’t see the body, so maybe it’s something else. A machine, a bird, something! Anything else!

Aiden knew that his explanations were a futile attempt at rationalizing what he knew he was seeing.

The dragon’s eyes met Aiden’s. At first, they were filled with fury, hate, and bloodlust. Then almost immediately, the dragon’s eyes softened. They looked like they were calling out for help and filled with sadness. Aiden recognized those eyes. They were his own eyes so many times before.

Aiden was too stunned to move. His mind went blank. His heart felt like it would burst at any second. Suddenly, a loud bang penetrated the air.

The dragon let out a furious scream so loud, it felt like Aiden’s bones were breaking. His vision became blurry, his ears felt like they were bleeding, he was losing consciousness.

The dragon looked up to the sky and began to glow, and everything went black.

***

Aiden woke up with a start.

Where am I?

Frantic, Aiden stood up. The room began to spin and he fell back down onto a bed.

I’m in a room? Where? Whose?

“Aiden! You need to lay down!”

“Ryu?”

“Yes, I’m here”

“Ryu I… I had a bad dream. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok”

“No, it’s not! I’m awful. I said horrible things and I’m so sorry”

“I understand” Ryu said softly.

How can she still be so kind to me? I don’t deserve it.

“Wait. My dream. Did I come here straight from the hospital? I thought I went home?”

“It wasn’t a dream”. Akio’s voice was soothing and powerful.

“Akio, I’m so sorry” Aiden’s voice trembled. “You two are my family and-“

“Families fight Aiden. Really, it’s ok” Ryu said.

Her words made Aiden feel grounded.

I don’t deserve them.

“Do you remember what happened?” Akio asked with piercing eyes.

“Yea, I had a nightmare-”

“It wasn’t a dream” he said again.

“What are you talking about?” Aiden asked. He was still disoriented and felt like he couldn’t trust himself, his thoughts, feelings, or senses.

“A dragon appeared last night” Akio said. His voice was lower and more serious than Aiden has ever heard.

Aiden’s body began shaking. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t even open his mouth to speak.

Akio let out a sigh. He looked out the window toward the sky, silent for a minute.

“There weren’t always dragons in the Valley”, he said. Akio turned toward Aiden. His face was stern, his voice was powerful, and his eyes were so omniscient it erased any doubt in Aiden’s mind about what he saw.

“But now, they’re here. And we need to act”