St Fandom Academy Part VI

The best thing about Paddington Bear’s reading classes were the the unlimited supply of marmalade sandwiches. Left one on every table and they never seemed to run out. When Paddington Bear waddled into class with his blue trench coat, red hat and boots, nobody suspected that he would be mad until there was no marmalade sandwiches in the classroom.

“Hello Class D,” Paddington Bear said. “I am sure you noticed the lack of sandwiches today.As you remember, I sent you all an assignment to write a review on Roald Dahl‘s book Matilda. I have a problems with some of them.”

Kyle pointed at Eric. “I thought fat boy over there ate them all!”

“Shut your face!”

“That’s enough!” Paddington Bear roared. “Eric Cartman, stand up please!”

“Yes, Mr. Paddington Bear.” Eric squeaked as he stood up, glaring at Kyle who laughed.

“I am going to read your review, and you can hear for yourself if it’s acceptable.”

Eric nodded and smiled.

“Eric Cartman’s review of Matilda: As a book it’s okay. Books are boring, but I am glad this one is short. Trunchbull is a fat cow who abuses children, and she should have had a more violent demise. I’m glad Miss Honey got her house back, and adopted Matilda because if you have seen the film, Miss Honey is a complete MILF.”

“I don’t see any problems with that?” Eric admitted. “Everything I said was the truth.”

“This simply won’t do,” Paddington Bear said. “Come and see me at Lunchtime. Now sit down.” The next student Paddington Bear has his eyes on was Leopold Scotch. He was a blonde meek boy, that playground bullies wanted to dissect, but grandmas wanted to take home. Yet, nobody referred to him as Leopol (not even his own family). “Butters stand up please.”

“Was there a problem with spelling?” Butters asked with trembling lips. “I do struggle with it.”

Paddington Bear rolled his eyes and read out the review. “So this is the review from Butters. I’m not not going to read it all. Trunchball is a bitch!”

The classroom erupted with laughter. Eric Cartman was loudest, and clapped throughout. Paddington Bear ignored them and continued reading, much to his dismay.

“She’s a big fat bitch. She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She’s a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch. She’s a bitch to all the boys and girls. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, et cetera, et cetera… She's a stupid bitch! Trunchbull’s a bitch, and she's such a dirty bitch! I really mean it: she’s a big fat fucking bitch!”

“That was awesome!” Eric yelled.

“That’s another detention for you, Eric!”

Eric slammed his head against the desk.“Goddammit!”

Paddington Bear nodded. “Yes, thank you, Eric.” He draw his attention back at Butters. “You wrote the b word 69 times!”

“That was intentional,” Butters admitted. “69 is a best number.”

“Butters, this simply won’t do!” The next person to get his attention is Vicky Pollard.

“Don’t go giving me evils!” Vicky yelled.

“Stand up please,” Paddington Bear grumbled.

Vicky pulled a vacant stare as she stood up. She lifted her skirt as she did and Kyle turned away after seeing her thong. “You well fancy me,” Vicky hissed at Kyle.

“Now let’s read Vicky Pollard’s review. No, but yeah, but no, but yeah… So in there’s this book right, called Matilda who’s got this girl called Matila and her parents and headteacher kept saying she did things which she ain’t even did she ain’t even done nothing or nothing so shut up! Anyway Goku reckons he saw Ash get it on with Miss Lust the cooking teacher, but don’t listen to him cause he’s gone all lesbian.”

One half of the class were in stitches, and the other half glared at Vicky as if she was high on some substances.

“Vicky these are very serious allegations,” Paddington Bear said. “You can get Miss Lust sacked.”

“Well she ain’t even got nothing to do with anyway so leave her out of it!”

“Okay, you, Eric and Butters can join each other in detention,” Paddington Bear said with a smile.

“That is so unfair!” Vicky shouted, raising her hands in the air. “May got caught making out with Drew in the toilets and they got turned into prefects. Cause Harley hates May. Harley wanted to take Drew’s virginity but May got there first.”

“May’s tits aren’t even real!” Butters said.

Vicky threw her pencil case at Butters. “Shut up! Nobody asked you.”

Eric laughed at Vicky. “I know someone else who has fake tits!”

“You are gonna get well beaten for this!” Vicky roared so the whole school could hear her. “You’re only doing this cause you’re in love with me!”

“The three can go and report yourselves to Principal Tsunade’s office. Now!”

After all three of them left the room in disgrace, Paddington Bear made sure they were gone before tiptoeing to his cupboard and bringing out a tray filled with his favourite snack. “Marmalade sandwiches anyone?”