Soft As A Bear

It’s amazing just how easy it is to lose something. You could spend days, weeks, months being cuddled by someone on their bed, and then suddenly be knocked down onto the floor under their bed.

Being underneath Luka’s bed wasn’t nearly as comfy as being on it- it was colder, I was alone instead of being cuddled late at night, and there was so much dust! I missed being asleep next to Luka at night. But, when I really think about it, was it any worse than being in the toy shop at night?

Yes. Yes, it was MUCH worse!

I was at least on a shelf facing upright, not facedown on a dirty carpet. Plus, I wasn’t alone there, even at night when there were no people I had tons of stuffed animals there with me. It felt more like a group than being forgotten on the floor.

It never really felt like a home, though. It was always just a store I was put in, waiting for an actual home. It took months, but I was finally able to find it, when a young boy named Enzo found me sitting on a shelf. He bought me almost instantly, and was ecstatic the whole ride home. Three days later, he brought me back out with him and drove out to a new house. He knocked on the door, with me in his arms and once it opened, all I could hear was screaming and cries of joy, when the boy in the house saw both of us.

Luka was so happy, not just from the first present from his boyfriend, but also his first teddy bear, since he was never allowed to have one growing up. He named me Teddy, because he just LOVED little nicknames like that, and I ended up loving it too, finally having a name, as well as a home.

Ever since then I’ve been a part of Luka’s life whenever he was alone and needed a hug. He’s cried many times with me in his arms, holding me tighter every time. I’ve also seen him cry around Enzo, but whenever that happens, he turns away. I don’t know why, I know Enzo is more than willing to comfort him, but he only ever finds comfort with me.

Which made the fact that he couldn’t find me even worse. He looked everywhere, trying to figure out where I could have gone, but he just couldn’t find me, which just made him start to freak out. He started crying, heartbroken that his first plushie was gone, and this time he couldn’t even find comfort for it.

It hurt hearing him cry, and not being able to help calm him down. But it got worse when Enzo came in. Luka had to tell him that he lost the first gift he got him, and even when Enzo tried to calm him down, they were both clearly very tense. It got worse when they tried to work together to find me, and no matter how hard Lukas cried, he continued to deny just how upset he was. Enzo was tired of being told that his boyfriend was fine when he clearly wasn’t, and he finally told him how it didn’t make any sense to lie to him like this.

I’ve been listening to these interactions for awhile now, so I know where Enzo was coming from, but I think he ended up being harsher with him than he meant to be. He told Luka crying was normal for anyone, and it didn’t make sense to pretend he wasn’t to not feel childish. If anything, it was more childish to put up this act, since he was just overcompensating for something he didn’t need to with someone he didn’t need to impress. Luka was never willing to talk about this because he didn’t want to have a weaker side, or any side that wasn’t completely in control. Enzo even wondered if he knew where I was and just didn’t want me to be there because he was embarrassed about having a stuffed animal, especially as an adult.

…Was he? I mean, I know that I was knocked under here and not thrown, but was that a subconscious way of getting rid of anything that still made him feel unmasculine? Did he not want to find me? Or did he know where I was and was just trying to hide me away?

These questions drowned out the shouting happening between the two, and I didn’t realize just how bad it had gotten until I heard the door slam shut.

After that everything stood still, until all I could hear was Luka breaking down, freaking out about everything Enzo had said, and whether or not he was right. He fell down next to the bed in a fetal position, and hope suddenly ran through me- I could see him! Could he see me? The bed should have enough light so that he should be able to. Come on, Come on…

Luka looked up and gasped when he looked in the corner of the floor. He rushed on top of the bed and pulled me up. It took about five seconds of initial shock before I was back in his arms, while he cried nonstop. He’d found me. He found his first stuffed animal, his first gift from his boyfriend.

Enzo had left about 10 minutes ago, so trying to call, especially with how he had left, had a high risk of being unanswered, but I was SO happy when his face showed up on screen. Luca’s face was also on the screen, sad and teary-eyed and in pain. He could’ve turned away from the camera, or turned it off, or even tried to do a normal phone call, but he didn’t. He sat there, with the camera on, me in his arms, clearly sad and in pain, but refusing to hide it this time.

And I still sat there, in his arms as he cried. I was still his comfort, but for once Enzo was able to be his comfort too. He came back to the house, and managed to calm Luca down, in the way that I’ve tried to do a million times, and in the way that he’s wanted to do a million times.

Enzo has a collection of plushies at his own house. I was a present for Luca, but Enzo is more than willing to share the soft and cuddly parts of his own life that Luca never had growing up. And it turns out, I was the first step in making that happen. I may have been lost easily, but what the two of them found from this made it worth it.