Smiles, Magnetic

Mister Smiles,

I'm sure that you'd get it by now. I can't take what you give to my heart everyday, or sadly, what you gave to my heart everyday, since you're not in a condition to do that anymore, but I've come to understand that the heart can recall things much better than the mind can. It's shinier and more glow-y there. It feels real again.

From my heart, I'll always recall what you gave to me while you could. In that way, you'll always be giving love, and it won't end even when you did. It doesn't have to be new to feel in awe and connected to you. Just knowing that you cared for me and would if you could right now, that's enough.

Of course, I wish something so beautiful didn't have to end. You're the one my heart relied on to beat. You're a gift that God gave me because he knew that support like yours would help me in ways that I couldn't help myself. I can't pretend this kind of closeness when I never knew how to do anything like it before.

I opened up to you when I was too afraid to say a word to anybody else. We developed something with one another that I've avoided doing all my life. You've made my comfort zone wider and in a way, gave me more opportunities in my every days that I wouldn't have gotten to have if you didn't help me keep my head up.

It's quite clear why I would be wishing as much as I do, but it can't do much. It can't bring me what I want, and yet it's the very most I can do.

Stand in front of me one more time, won't you? My eyes want to take you in once again in the exact same way that they used to do. My lungs ache to breathe you in and inhale the scents that tug at the strings in my heart.

I don't want to accept that it's over. I'm getting there, but it doesn't mean that I want to. In general, we don't have enough time to live. I could look up at you in awe-inspiring ways for the rest of my life and there wouldn't be one second in such a timeline that I would get tired.

Life is already too short, but it was far too short for you, and it's unfair. It's unfair because instilled within you is a precious heart and grazed across your skin is gold glimmering on and on, and we've adjusted to it's light, that now it's too dark. Without you, we become helpless and blind.

I find myself in tears because of you, and yet I would fight whoever it is that tried to steal them away. I'd avoid such people at all costs so I can embrace my own pain. Right now, it's all I have left of you.

It's the only new thing I can produce that belong to you and even if it hurts, I can't get over the spelling of your name running through every single drop that falls.

You are my wish. You.

Let me go on loving you.

Please let me see you one last time, and in that last time, can you just stay?

Come and let your last time last for eternity.

-C.L.

-

Mister Magnetic,

I want us.

I don't care what way "us" would be in if I were to ask for it, but what I care about is that it happens. I mean that, and I'll do everything I can to prove that to you.

The thing is, I know what you'd tell me if you heard that. You'd tell me not to cry. You'd tell me not to hurt and you'd tell me to wait patiently until God's day arrives, and I can try to do all of that, but know that it's not going to be perfect.

If tears are the last thing that connect me to you, then you'd have to understand that it's not that easy to let go of. You'd do the same thing if it were me. I'm pretty certain you'd cry for me if things were vice-versa, because we mourn out of our own respect and value of someone. You treated me so kindly and I know you cared about me like I did you. This is what comes of that.

Aren't you glad you have people that miss you?

But I know where you'd be coming from. You don't want people to struggle. That kind of motive doesn't exist in you and it never has. That's why I'll say I'll do my best to be happy and strong during this time. After all, a wise person once said, a grateful heart is a magnet for blessings.

Because of all the good things you've taught me and drilled into my mind, I'll make the effort to handle things in the way you would have wanted. I'll be thankful of what we used to have and what we can have again, and positive spirits will overtake me and raise me up from the helpless child I've become back into the person you helped me to be.

All you would've asked me to do is to keep my head up, and though it's not as easy as it sounds, you also weren't exactly asking for much. You would ask for that out of the goodness of your soul and because of the compassion in your heart.

As always, you've never done anything for your own greed and your personal advantage.

So I'll promise you that I'll be happy. I might fall short sometimes, but I hope you'd cut me some slack for that. The important thing is, I'll do everything that I can to keep myself as upbeat as I possibly can be, even if I have to live without you in the mean time.

I'll do it no matter how hard it is because I loved you, I love you, and I will always love you even if it's only meant to be as a friend or as one of your random supporters.

Whatever we have, I'll take it.

Sleep well while you're able to. I'll be waiting for you on the day of the resurrection, and when your family has reunited with you I'll be right there with them.

You'll see me, and if you don't right away, you'll know I was there. I won't be able to resist getting a hug out of you. Mark my word.

It isn't all that surprising. This is a long time to go without you. I don't care how crazy you'd think I am. I'm running until my arms are around you again, and I hardly run for anything.

Remember too, by then, there will be so many things that we'll need to tell you. We'll have to have a day to gossip again exactly like we used to do. You'd be up for it, wouldn't you?

I know you would.

That's part of who you are, just as much as compassion and goodness.

Let's spill some tea.

-C.L.