She Needs To Know

I’m sitting here in my room in the dark, thinking. I think I lost her but I’m unsure why. This girl, this woman, she was starting to become my life, and now my life is gone. I hate the fact that her absence is affecting me this much. It is 1am and I am unable to fall asleep. Work is going to be impossible to do tomorrow if I’m sleep deprived. My mind will not stop thinking about her. I want to call her and just go back to a week ago when our chats were flirty and fun. I keep reading her last text where she said she must speak with me after work. I knew as soon as I read that text that something had changed. I didn’t say much during our last conversation, instead I listened to what she had to say. As soon as I saw her I knew she wanted to end it. I ordered a glass of wine and sat there in front of her and watched as she nervously told me she wanted it to end. The “it” was of course our relationship. This woman did not know she was asking me to somehow tell my heart to stop loving her. For some reason that night I decided not to say anything and instead I left money on the table and walked out of the restaurant. Was that childish? I didn’t care, all I wanted to do was get away as soon as possible. My heart was breaking but I could not let her see that. It has been one week since the last time I saw her. No calls, no messages, she just disappeared from my life as if she never existed. I wonder if she ever loved me, she certainly fooled me into thinking she did. The things we talked about, the romantic gestures she made for me, not to mention the physical and mental attraction we shared made me fall deeper and deeper in love. Dammit, why did she make me feel so sure about the way she felt about me! She convinced me for months that she wanted me. Why then out of the blue did she decide to end it? It doesn’t make any sense, unless she found someone better. It's 2am now and I just want to sleep. Whenever I close my eyes I see her lying next to me. I decide to believe my fantasy and fall asleep with my girl next to me, this way I finally get some sleep.

The next morning, I woke up alone in my bed. I stare at her now vacant pillow and caress it, I’m such a cliche. I shower and get dressed the whole time feeling like a deflated balloon. During breakfast I remember to take some St. John's Wort, those pills always make me feel better at the beginning of the day. Thank goodness for work, at least for the 9 hours I’m there I am able to focus on other things. My work friends are kind and respectful so they don’t ask too many questions about my private life. Once I’m out of work I am in pain again. As soon as I get in my car I want to call her. I got into the habit of calling her everyday on my drive from work to her apartment. Now, I drive home in silence and have to force myself to drive home instead of her place. My friends tell me that after some time I will get over her, but truth be told I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want the best memories of my life to fade away. I don’t want her and everything she brought into my life to be gone. I still love her and I think she still loves me. I think she just got scared, scared of how good we had it. Scared of how much she shared with me. You see, my girl was not like any girl I had dated before. She was complicated, as much love as she had in her I knew she could be as cold as Antarctica. There were instances when we were dating where she shared with me her fears. One of her fears was the fact that she could easily detach from people whenever she was afraid. That day at the restaurant I saw it in her face, the fear, it was forcing her to leave me. I want my love back. No matter how complicated or scared she might be I need her to get over it and love me again. By the time I arrived home I had tears welling up. I wiped my eyes and walked to my apartment. My plan was to change and cook but as soon as I saw my bed I fell on it and went to sleep.

I was dreaming about her when I heard a beeping that woke me from that wonderful dream. It was dark outside and my phone was beeping. It was now midnight and I had a message from one of my friends on my phone. I was hoping it was a message from her but it wasn’t. My friend had invited me to dinner but I had missed it. I decided to text back in the morning since it was so late. Great, another sleepless night before going to work tomorrow. I wasn’t hungry but decided I should eat something and then try to fall asleep again. I changed into my pjs and headed into the kitchen. I decided some hot chocolate would soothe me up for bed again. I reached into my cabinet and pulled the hot chocolate mix when I noticed a note fell from underneath it. It was one of her notes. It was a purple post-it where she wrote “You make me so happy, never forget that” I did make her happy, I wonder if she knew how happy she made me. Before I had her in my life there were other girls but none of them held me in their arms the way she did. She made me feel as if I was her protector and she was mine. We were best friends, lovers and everything in between. I stood there feeling deflated again. God, how I wanted her back in my life. I wanted her to know how sad I felt without her. She had to know, what if she felt the same way? She has to know! I decided right then and there I was going to let her know. I will reach out and I will let her know how much I need her, how much I miss her, how much I love her! Yes, yes, perhaps this is what she needs to get over her fear, perhaps she is waiting for some grand gesture. Whatever happens, she must know, she has to know how much I miss her, how much I love her, yes, I’ve decided.