Shampoo and Conditioner

3:34am. I couldn’t take it anymore. At this time of day I never could.

I also could never seem to fall asleep earlier so that I could avoid that empty feeling that comes along with it.

So there I was, 3:36am now, in the bathroom where I had gravitated too, lights turned on, much too bright for my tired eyes.

I looked at myself for a moment, to see if I had changed. I hadn’t.

My hair was as it had always been.

So was my nose.

So was my forehead.

Nothing had changed and neither had I.

I sat on the floor so that I could really think.

Did I really wanna do this right now?

Yes.

Could I actually do this right now??

No.

I never could.

I never could do anything.

I couldn’t get my dreams to come true.

Except for the bad dreams, those always seemed to remind me that I never really was asleep.

I couldn’t get anyone to see me.

They only saw the parts of me I wanted to change.

I couldn’t figure out what it was about me that just made everything not work.

Was I born this way? Did I aim too high? Did I do something wrong and was now being punished?

I got up from the floor and I turned on the shower.

I was crying again and being in the shower always made it less sticky and unbearable.

Also, if I am to leave before the sun returns, it would be nice to meet the finders with a clean body.

You know?

They’ll say they never saw the signs and maybe that’s true.

I’ve tried to let it show. There’s always someone I want to tell.

But I’m not good at anything.

Remember?

There are times I remember with her who I love so much.

I remember looking at her face and wondering if she loves me. She said she does and I know it’s true.

She tells me and she shows me

But I’m not that smart.

So I forget.

When she would get mad at me I would forget.

When she would teach me I would forget.

So sometimes I just didn’t know.

The back of my head against the wall has never been fun but I can’t seem to walk away.

Crying in the midst of all my toys has never been fun but I can’t seem to play with them.

Everything hurts all the time, even when it doesn’t.

I can’t stop crying and the water is too hot. My head starts to spin and I double over.

My shampoo bottle falls to the floor, it’s almost finished - hypothetically, I would need to go get some more soon.

I pick it up and put it back next to the conditioner that will not need to be replaced soon.

Will they ever keep up the same pace?

I use them at the same time but one gets drained a lot quicker than the other.

I get drained a lot quicker than the others.

I turn the water off because what’s the point.

How do I do this?

I’m still crying and I don’t know if it’s because I’m scared to go or because I’m really ready to go.

I’m looking at my ticket out of here.

I’m looking.

I’m looking.

I’m looking.

I’m shaking.

My tears have not stopped.

My phone is ringing but I don’t answer it.

It rings again and again and again.

I don’t answer.

I put my ticket away. I knew I would.

I can never seem to do what’s best.

I go lay on my bed, the bathroom light stays on.

I look at my phone.

All of the missed calls are from her.

I call her back and she tells me she misses me, she just wanted to say hi.

I miss her too, I love her so much.

We hang up and I decide to wait around at least until something rare happens, like when I finally run out of both shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

It hasn’t happened yet.