Something In The Air

I follow the scent I’ve known before. I’ve known him but I haven’t experienced him.

I’ve seen him but his face is blurry.

He smiles.

He laughs.

He breathes.

He talks.

He looks at me like I’m all he ever wants to see and I’m happy.

I’m so happy that I smile too. I don’t forget him and I never will.

I can’t forget someone I haven’t yet met.

People around me say I should stop. There’s not enough time for me to spend so much of it with my head in the clouds and I know this.

I know what they mean.

I want to come down.

It’s not fun when I remember. I remember that it’s just a dream. Another scenario used to lull myself to sleep because he isn’t here.

Someone has said that he can’t exist but what do they know? How can my heart long for something it can never know?

I don’t believe them. Of course I don’t because what do they know?

What can they know?

I feel things that I can’t explain. It only makes sense to others when they see it on tv or read it in books.

They can’t understand it when I tell them that it’s what I have in my heart. That when I go away and come back all giddy, that’s where I’ve been.

And it’s okay. Why is that a problem? There’s nothing wrong with that.

As I get older and feel as though I’ve passed all these milestones without him, I get sad. I get sad because what if they were right? What if he’s someone that doesn’t exist? What we have together can never be mine because it’s not possible.

Says who?

If I exist why can’t he?

I don’t want to talk to anyone about it anymore.

But I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t think about it.

I do sometimes think about what things would be like if they’re right and I have to settle for something else.

Someone else.

Someone who isn’t him.

Someone who doesn’t know me like he does? Treat me like he does? Speak with me like he does. Listen to me like he does. Eat with me like he does. Lay with me. Stay with me.

Someone who doesn’t love me like he does.

Am I not worthy of this thing that I want so much. This thing that sometimes consumes all of my thoughts and takes over my emotions.

How can something that doesn’t exist make me so happy? How can it make me so scared to miss out on it?

If it doesn’t exist?

I think I have been too highly accredited. How can I make up something so beautiful? All on my own?

Thank you.

But it is too much.

I have not drawn up stories and games in my head. I have not given myself an unimaginable lover.

I simply have not.

Stop telling me to wake up because I haven’t gone to sleep. I feel him and I know he’s almost here. I know that everything I’ve dreamt is going to be mine. I know that it already is mine.

I’m going so see his face and I will know his smile.

I will not forget in the morning how he made me feel because he will be right there next to me.

Again and again and again.

And every time I see him I will smile. Because why not?

All of my dreams are here. I feel it and no one can tell me otherwise.

So whether I laugh or cry is all up to me.

From this moment on t’s all up to me how my life will be.