Separation

I used to chat with a girl junior to me in college, spent hours talking with her daily, and a day came when she proposed to me; as I liked her, I accepted her proposal, and from that day onwards, I started loving her with all my heart, and she loved me the most. The relationship was going fine, and as she was in the first year of college, she didn't want to open up in front of everyone; it was fine with me; I, too, supported her and gave her space but behaved foolishly sometimes, hurting her. She used to forgive me each time. We used to spend time together and also on Skype for hours together. I had a great time, took my life thoughtfully, and everything was going fine.

Then came the summer vacation, where our chatting and talking had to be limited. It was in June when nothing happened as well; it was on June 20th when I ran out of patience and asked her a stupid question 'whether she had any feelings for me or not? Something like that; I texted her some silly stuff, and she was broken with those disgusting texts, and she told me to leave her, I was heartbroken, and I went into depression. She came to know how I was affected through my brother and friends; she texted me that "we'll take a break for 2 years, study, and get settled". I was okay with that and started talking on the phone daily but only for a few minutes.

On September 12th, this was the day she broke up with me. I was shattered and couldn't move on, I started hating her, and my anger aroused as she told me she lost love for me. After a month, she was admitted to the hospital due to dengue, which I learned from another junior. It was at 11:40 PM; I was tense and rushed to the hospital immediately; I talked to her, brought her something to eat, and spent some time with her, then returned to my hostel. My friend asked, "You were so angry with her. Then why did u rush to the hospital?". Then I cried in front of him bitterly, and I couldn't bear seeing her at the hospital. There was a lot of love inside, which was covered by anger outside; I couldn't sleep the whole night; I was awake. The following day, I went to the hospital again to see her. Then left for college, and in the evening, I thought of going to her; I called her. but her friend picked up the call; I told her to give the phone to her, and she said to me that "she's not interested in talking to me," hearing this I was utterly broken.

Days passed, we were strangers now, and it became too difficult for me to stay in college. I decided to leave the college mid-way, applied for army entrance, started preparing for it and made sure my friends didn't know about it. After horrible 5th semester exams, It was time to go home, and I packed everything; I was unfortunate inside because leaving friends is the hardest thing. I boarded the train, and a desire came to my heart to see her once. So I got down to Mumbai, as she was boarding the train the next day in Mumbai. I boarded that train and my friends came to know that I was leaving college, they were shocked. I became too stubborn to leave college; they talked with her about this, she spoke with me, she tried to convince me, and I gave her a fake promise. I needed to be more confident, and I got down at my stop.

I somehow convinced my parents to leave engineering, I wrote the exam, and I was heartbroken and sad. I told them what had all happened from the beginning. They had never seen me suffering like that, and my parents became so low; they started fighting, and harsh words were exchanged between them when I was asleep; I was pretending to be asleep but was listening and dying inside. Thoughts spammed me "Is this worth making her feel guilty in college" and "Is this what I loved."

I lay unconscious for a few days; I was alive. During this time, she was updated about my condition through my friend. My friend told me that she was too tense about me. One fine day I got a text from her; I felt so happy after a long time. Poison affected my health badly. I returned to my college with only one intention that she shouldn't feel guilty for this, started working on my projects as I am an electronics hobbyist. We used to text rarely.

After a horrible summer and rehabilitation, I got an account in Hackster, where I showcased a few of my projects which fetched some international reputation for my projects. I am now in my final year, placed in an MNC, all my friends and family were happy for me for getting a job, but I didn't even get a smile on my face, which ultimately shows how stonehearted I became. No matter what I achieve, they never bring me any happiness.

Now, not even a single day goes without thinking about her; my day starts with her and ends with her. I am building up the courage to live and to love. I miss her every second. I became too lonely and independent. We are from the same department; I peep through windows to see her daily. I am the one who always initiates a chat to check on how's she doing. The day we chat brings a big smile to my face, which makes my day, and I'll have a peaceful sleep on that day.

Even now, I sometimes lie awake in bed with tears, remembering the times I had with the things I said to her. I cry a lot, sometimes the whole night. I read our previous chats daily, and tears just roll down. Sometimes I fall unconscious. I make sure that no one knows anything, my pain and all. Above all, I have become a better person; she has brought out the best of me.

For sure, she loved me like hell; I could tell that from all my heart I was the one who hurt her a lot, even after the breakup. I realized how much I was hurting her then. I am so sorry for what I have done. I regret and repent this. It was I who took her love for me for granted. I was not able to apologize to her properly. We'll know the importance when we lose the person whom we love the most. I am going through a lot of pain, but it's all worth it, and it feels good to love her.

She has left a deep void with complete emptiness in my life. I am doing my best to be a man (Strong), but deep inside, it always hurts. I hope she does well and always want her to be happy.