Seize the Day

“Uh, no.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Pretty pretty pretty please?”

“No.”

“What if I do your Guild assignments for a week?”

“Then I’d fail all my classes.”

“Please!!!”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t like people.”

“So you don’t like me?”

“You’re not people. You’re a person. But no, I don’t like you either.”

“Eeviiiiiii!”

“What-yyyyy?”

“Please!!!”

“No.”

Sigh. “What if I-”

“No.”

“Just-”

“No.”

“Eevi!”

Deep, suffering breath. “Look, Kade. Even if I wanted to go…no. No, that’s too ridiculous. There is no hypothetical situation in which I would want to go.”

“What if the nation had been overrun by flesh eating monsters and the only way to survive was to go?”

“Okay, no realistic hypothetical situation.”

“What if…what if I never asked you for a favor again?”

“You’re first scenario was more believable.”

“Oh, come on! How bad could it be?”

“Really, really bad.”

“You’re coming.”

“No.”

***

“How the heck did I get here, exactly?”

“It’s my natural charm and wit.”

Snort.

“Okay, the fact that I drugged that fizzy water I gave you may have played a role.”

Groan. “I knew the lid came off too easily. I just assumed you’d snuck a sip before giving it to me.”

“I did that too. Before drugging it, of course.”

“I hate you.”

“I can live with that.”

“Not if I kill you.”

“I find it far more likely that I would be killed if you weren’t along.”

“You doubt my ability to kill you?”

“Heavens, no. I just think it would require too much effort to be worth your time.”

“I think killing you would save time for me in the end.”

“Not if the Masters found out. Trust me, the paperwork at the Masters Guild is excruciatingly meticulous. I once had to write a report on an assignment, and they asked me what type of shoes the bartender was wearing. Oh, look, it’s Professor Hanson. The one will the hideous floral tie. Honestly, who wears a marigold flower tie?”

Soft groan.

“Professor Hanson! Hello, sir. This is my wife, Eevi.”

Choking noise.

“Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Eevi Jones.”

Still slightly choking. “The pleasure is all mine, I’m sure.”

“Professor Hanson is renowned for discovering cures for diseases thought incurable.”

“You flatter me, Kade. I try my best, but I am far from where I aspire to be.”

“Pardon, can you excuse me?”

“Eevi, don’t be silly. Professor Hanson just got here. Don’t go running off on us.”

Grinding teeth. “I need to use the restroom.”

“Again?” Chuckling. “Dear, it’s only been five minutes!”

“That’s a sign of pregnancy, you know. Have you experienced any nausea or appetite changes? Any sudden dizziness? Has there been a change in your-”

“I can assure you, Professor, I am not pregnant.”

“Alas, she is just a woman. And that means she likely wants to check her lipstick again.”

“I’m not wearing lipstick.”

“We must not be ashamed to admit what we are, dear. We must seize the day.”

Sigh. Rush of wind, cracking sound, cry of pain, loud thump, pattering footfalls.

Panting. “We are changing the ‘go’ sign. If I have to listen to you say ‘seize the day’ one more time, I will be seizing your throat instead.”

“I’m in charge here, and I like it. We’re keeping it.”

“Why did I have end up with you?”

“You must have done something very laudable before the Masters Guild.”

“Kade…”

“Alright, alright. I’m sorry to put you through that on such short notice. I know it is technically your day off.”

“Just like the last fifteen days off that you have made me work.”

“You’re an Iron Protector. Doesn’t that make you virtually invincible? Like, you can live off morning dew and you sleep while blinking?”

“You’re an idiot.”

“But I’m not dead.”

“Not for lack of trying.”

“On the contrary, my dear. I made sure to bring my protector along. I knew I was perfectly safe.”

“Why did this one need to be eliminated, exactly?”

“His ‘cures’ were actually a front for a line of weaponized diseases.”

Soft whistle. “But why did we have to do it tonight?”

“Because I was bored.”

“I will kill you.”

“No you won’t. You’re sworn to me.”

“Nobody would have to know.”

“Now, now. Why don’t you join back up with your Sisters of the Iron Guild and relax for a bit? Take tomorrow off.”

“I’m thinking about taking your head off.”

“That’s rather rude.”

“You drugged me!”

“In my defense, I did ask please first. You are duty bound to me, and refused to comply. I merely took necessary steps to ensure you did your duty.”

“That is severely stretching your jurisdiction.”

“Please, dear. Don’t use words with more than two syllables. It gives me a headache.”

“Syllables has more than two syllables.”

“Ah, I feel the headache now.”

“Good.”

Sigh. “Well, if you’re going to be grouchy, you may as well go do it at home.”

“Fine. If you call me tomorrow, I’ll shoot you in the foot.”