Rewind

The black window on the VCR illuminates numbers that glow. The only light that emits throughout the room is the green hue that casually changes from 10:59 to 11:00. The face of it says AM but the darkness outside of the window makes Sadie certain that it's PM. Sadie doesn’t think much of it though, she hasn’t left the den since her mom brought her boyfriend over two days ago. Sadie’s mom has a problem, a few problems really. Drugs, men, keeping jobs – but Sadie stays out of it, she keeps to herself and watches the green light turn to 11:01.

When the shouting starts, Sadie gets up and walks to a dresser that her mom found on the side of the road when they were walking back from the bus stop. They’d hurried home and borrowed a dolly from the neighbor that shares their wall to tote it home. Sadie isn’t sure if the neighbor ever got his dolly back, but now Sadie has a place to store her clothes in the den that doubles as her bedroom.

On top of the dresser is a stack of VHS tapes they’d gotten when the video store had a closing out sale. 10 cents apiece for hours of entertainment – hours of zoning out. She carefully selects her choice of Ghostbusters and brings it back to the VCR. She pulls the tape out of the box— it’s dusty despite how often it's used. Sadie suspects it’s from sitting on the shelf at the video store where people moved onto DVDs and then eventually Netflix. She blows on it, but the dust remains in the crevices as she and slides it into the VCR like a piece of bread in a toaster. A little red triangle appears below the time and the whirl of the mechanics inside brings the tape to life on the TV.

It’s 11:06 by the time the film opens on the stone lion outside of the library where the catalyst of the film is about to start. Sadie hums along to the score in an eerie tone as books rearrange themselves behind the sweet old librarian. Sadie has seen this film enough times to be able to repeat the script without any prompts, and she’s seen it enough times to find Venkman AKA Bill Murray Attractive.

She wonders where Bill Murray is now. By her math between when this movie came out and now, he is old enough to be her grandfather, but she still thinks that if she ran into him on the street that she would smile anyways and hope that he thinks she’s pretty. Maybe even pretty enough to take her away from here. She knows there are lots of age gaps in Hollywood, maybe people wouldn’t even bat an eye at theirs.

She hears a drawer slam through the paper wall as her mom and her boyfriend continue their argument. They’re arguing about money, her mom said that she had some and her boyfriend needs it to meet his dealer. She can’t find it because they’ve both forgotten that they spent it last night. Sadie doesn’t think that Bill Murray has ever yelled at someone in a kitchen over drug money, Bill Murray can afford his drugs. They’re probably good drugs too, the kind that rich people snort through rolled-up Benjamins. Sadie doesn’t want to be like her mom, she tells herself that if she ever does drugs, she’s only going to do the kind Bill Murray does.

The yelling quiets for a while, they’ve made up for now and Sadie can watch her movie in peace. That’s all she has ever wanted was peace. She did love her mom, she loved her enough to roll her over so she wouldn’t asphyxiate on her own vomit, but if she ever came home from school and she was already dead she wasn’t too sure that she’d cry. Not right away at least, maybe one day years down the road in therapy, but not if it happened tomorrow. If it happened tomorrow she’d only know the feeling of peace.

Winston Zeddemore lays on his stomach on a stone pillar. He’s high above New York City surrounded by Spengler, Venkman, and Stantz. He's frustrated with Stantz, “Ray! When so—.”

“You stupid bitch,” her mom’s boyfriend drowns out her favorite line from the movie. She sighs and grabs a cushion from the couch and throws it onto the floor. She falls on top of it as the sound of pots and pans clattering to the floor reverberates through the house. She places her finger on one of the silver buttons to press rewind, the tape whirls backward in time, and then she thumbs the volume on the TV before she presses play again.

“Ray! When someone asks you if you’re a god, YOU SAY YES!” Zeddemore finishes his sentence over the chaos that is ensuing beyond the room that she has taken up residence. Her mom screams and Sadie thinks she hears her name called but she just turns the volume up even louder. The neighbor who shares a wall with the den will have something to say about it tomorrow, but for now, he lets her finish her movie.

Red and Blue lights strobe outside her window as the credits roll, but they’re not as comforting as the familiar green light that now says 12:54. The house has fallen silent excluding a pounding on the door. Sadie ignores it as the tape automatically switches to rewind, the fast rotation of the tape reversing inside the plastic shell is the only sound that she wants to hear. Murmurs between the police officer and her mom’s boyfriend seep through and develop into an altercation. She hears him shouting outside now.

The door to the den swings open, and she turns her head to see an officer's black tactical boots blocking the doorway. Beyond him, she can see blood on the linoleum and the tip of her mom’s lifeless fingers sticking out from behind the kitchen island. A sense of relief washes over her as the fresh silence of the house settles in. The officer tries to say something to her, but she just turns back to the VCR and presses play. She can finally watch her movie in peace.