Reunion Drive

Victoria,

I write this to you with the intent of acting in both your and my best interest. It has become clear to me that your life is indeed going in fifth gear; yet, it has moved at that pace since the day I first met you.

You have always said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, my heart has, and I treasure you and Dakota now more than ever. The two of you have made my life more blessed than I ever could foresee it becoming. You have opened my eyes to the fact that there are things that make life worthwhile. That is why I must admit that the last few months have become more trying than I initially expected.

The truth be known, it is I that has always been envious of your life. You have people that care about you. A family of your own, and you can lean on them when you need to, as they are physically present. Now I must admit that I am still human, and I do feel alone many times. I do not need reassurance daily, as I once did, but because I am human, I still like to have a sense of it from time to time. I will confess that the distance is starting to have an overwhelming impact on my emotions. I have seen you once in the last month where we have had a meaningful conversation, and I have seen Dakota even less. I know you both care for me, because you have told me such be the case. I have no doubt about that, but when you tell me Dakota has feelings of insecurity as to whether she is entitled to have feelings for me, then it is time for change. As I have already stated, I never meant to cause you nor Dakota any heartache. That is why I need you to understand that both of you have inspired me.

I have grown as a person, as have you. I have tried to detach all emotion in the last several months, but alas, I am human and have finally fallen victim to them.

You have helped me more than you know. I am a stronger man, a better man, and a less selfish man. I hope that I have on some level been able to contribute to your life in a similar fashion. I would like to think that I have, and in fact, at times you have implied that such has been the case. I thank the Lord that he has brought you into my life, and for that I shall always be grateful.

I will not be pretentious and try to pretend to know what you think or feel at this moment in your life. I feel that in the past I have had a good notion, but at those moments, you chose to let me in.

As I stated before you have always had, as you put it, an un-boring life. I know that from time to time you say you are envious of the boredom that consumes mine, but I assure you that is not true. You may desire a less stressful or responsible life, but I know for a matter of fact that you will and would not sacrifice your loved ones' presence in your life, even if it removed some of that stress or responsibility.

I know it is your nature to build walls to keep people out, but the wall you have built this time is the size of the Great Wall of China. The Chinese built this wall to keep their enemies out, and I know that I have not wronged you in a fashion that you see me as an enemy; yet, I am clueless as to why the wall has been built so large, but I do know that it is the type of wall that is built to put distance between two people. I know, because I too have pushed friends away in said manner. I have always done this when the relationship has become detrimental to my well-being. I never meant for you to feel such, but if that is indeed what you feel, then I have to respect those feelings.

I do believe though that both you and I deserve honesty in regard to this situation as it has unfolded. If you needed to build said walls in the best interest of your family or more importantly, in the best interest of your marriage, then I understand. I would however think that you and I have always built this friendship around respect and honesty, and that if either saw that this is the juncture that we have come to in our lives that we would be forthright with the other. I have not come to such a fork in my life, but I am unclear as to whether you have or not. I hope that such be not the case, but if you have, I must respect this fact. I will respect your decision if such is the case, but I only ask that you have the courage to be honest and tell me.

I never want to feel any regret or bitterness concerning this relationship, and so, what I say next is meant to be a preventive measure to keep such from occurring.

I will always care about you and Dakota, but one of us must be honest and say that we must be nothing more than acquaintances. I have never been as close to any two people outside my immediate family as I have the two of you, but alas, all good things must end. You are my best friend, and I assure you that in my heart that will never change. I do, however, believe that we must both move forward accepting the reality that our friendship must take a backseat.

I want to be honest and let you know that this will be the last time I will initiate contact with you. This does not mean that I will not be here if you should need me; yet, now is when you need to lean on your family, and I need to try to find support group of my own. Know that you and your family will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

I will confess that I have made said decision in my best interest as much as yours, but it is not as if either of us, at this time, it would not be appropriate for either of us to turn to and lean on the other as a source of support. I feel this honest approach will cause less heartache for all involved. Neither of us can foresee the future, so who is to say that our purpose in one another’s lives has been totally served. I know that God placed each of us in the other’s life for a purpose, and I know He was wise for so doing. I know it has been beneficial for me, and you have made me feel the same. That is why I believe it will not be an end to a great friendship, but rather, just a hiatus. I know that God shall allow to happen what he see fits. Until then, may God grant your heart the serenity he has granted mine.

Love your friend,

nicoli

He folded the letter up and put it in his back pocket. He had chosen to never deliver it. When it was all said and done, he was the one that had allowed the distance between them to grow. After a few weeks of no contact, she tried calling, but he had decided that it was best not to answer. She would call again few times more over the next several months, but as before, he ignored the screeching of the ringer. Eventually, her calls stopped altogether.

He took a deep drag, working the ember of his cigarette down to the filter. He flicked the butt out the window, started up the engine, and lit another. He was up to two packs a day. He smiled as this realization trotted across his mind. He knew she would not approve. He had always reacted in a defiant manner in order to get her attention, and though, she would not admit it, he knew how to get her goat. Besides, the smoking over the last thirty years had not truly been defiance, but rather, a coping mechanism.

He was a man of commitment and loyalty. These may have been the only two virtues that he possessed other than honesty, but they defined his very being.

As he pulled out the drive and up to the gate, he examined his devotion. He never meant to live out his life alone, but that is indeed what had happened. She had not wanted that for him, and the thought of such, he knew caused her sorrow. He tried to meet other people, but the connection was always lacking. He knew that he was at fault in regard to this truth. He had given his heart to her willingly, and he just could not ask for it back. It was hers now, and she would always maintain possession of it.

“Huh,” he giggled. The combination on the lock was her birth date, day and month. Funny, he could remember a time when he was so self-absorbed that he would have not remember her birth date or anyone else’s. He could laugh at that thought now, for he was no longer that man. He did though ponder, how it all might have been had he orchestrated the metamorphous; yet, it was she that had been the catalyst for his progression. Even the other individuals that had a hand in his evolution gave her most of the credit. “It takes a whole village to raise you, but it appears that the job is almost done. Due in large part to the labors of Victoria,” his Uncle Jack had once stated.

He pulled through the gate, locked it back, and began the journey towards town. He could feel the butterflies flapping around in his gut. “Huh,” he laughed again. The uncertainty that she exhibited had always had this effect on him. Every day with her had been a rollercoaster, but it had been the ride of his life. He had only hoped that she had always known, he would have stood in line for hours just for a chance to take the ride one more time.

Now though, was the hour of truth. Could what had once existed be rekindle or had the last embers died. Had she maintained a place in her heart for him as he had for her. His stomach rolled over again, as he approached the stop sign that lied ahead.

The dust swarmed behind him as he turned left onto the paved road. “What shall I say to her?”, he thought. What could one say? She had just lost her husband of thirty-nine years, two months earlier. That is not something that heals overnight, and to be honest, he had been a little shocked that recent events had unfold as they had.

It had been a misty day, and the funeral procession had inched down the highway like a Sunday afternoon driver. By the time they reached the gravesite, it had become a full-fledged rain. He remembered that he had debated whether to even to attend the burial portion of the service but had decided that it was truly the only way to show his respect. He stood towards the back as he had at the parlor and spoke to no one. Over the years he had learned to blend in and almost become invisible. She had taught him that, for when she had first met him, it was as though he needed the spotlight for his photosynthesis. In particular, On that day, he had been grateful for the skill. In fact, he had almost managed to make a clean getaway in the Cadillac but had lingered a bit too long. He had almost achieved entry into the carriage when she had spotted him. She had gazed briefly at him. He acknowledged her by nodding his head, and she in turn did the same. Then he coasted out through the gates, never once looking behind.

Two weeks would pass before he received the first phone call. “Hi, how have you been?” she had said. It had been all he could do to keep from bawling. She had always seemed to master her emotions, whereas, it was an uphill battle for him just to keep his in check. He had missed her, but he had managed to move on with his life. Now to hear her voice again was as though someone had knocked his feet out from under him.

“I am fine,” he managed. “I… I just wanted to say…,” he had stammered.

“I know…” she replied, cutting him off. “Thank you, but I am going to be fine,” and she moved forward with conversation.

He stumbled through at first with the awkwardness of teenage boy. He had always been a emotional klutz in her presence; yet, he eventually gained his footing, and it became as though they had last spoke yesterday. She had told him of her granddaughters, of which she had two. The eldest had white blonde hair like Dakota, and the younger was a brunette like her. Lynn, the eldest, was sixteen now and was graduating a year early with honors. She would be attending the University of Texas in the fall and intended to major in film. Jacklyn, the younger of the two, was twelve now and had just discovered boys. She was a much more reserved child than Lynn, wanting little or no attention drawn to her. “Ha, ha, ha,” he had laughed when she had told him this, for she too had always been that way. She was the only beautiful woman he had ever met that did not want all eyes own her. “Why are you laughing?”, she had demanded. It had always agitated her when had giggled at what she felt were inappropriate times. He obliged her by explaining, and she admitted that Jacklyn did seem to possess more of her character traits. She told him that she also had a grandson named Frank. He was a later addition, only joining the family in the last four years. She said he was kind of pudgy, very outgoing, and the most loving child you could ever meet. She said he was Dakota’s pride and joy. Dakota had always wanted a little brother but had remained an only child. Needless to say, Frank had filled that long desired void. They spoke for an hour or so discussing various other things. Then she said goodbye, and he said he would speak to her soon. The call had ended as it always had.

The next several days had been excruciating for him. He never could stand the wait, but he knew she was always more responsive to being given space and time. He passed the days on his back porch try to sketch her image from memory, but it was to no avail. None of his renderings did her justice, so he turned to writing. He wrote for hours on end. One of the poems he wrote was of a wayward ship searching for a home. He wondered if she would get it. It was extremely symbolic, and she had accused him before of being too deep. He laid it aside, thinking the opportunity would never provide itself for him to present it to her. “Ring, ring,” the phone called out. He answered, and it was her on the other end. Nearly a week had passed since they spoke last. This time around they reminisced about the time they had spent together and even how it was improvable that they had even become friends. They were so different in so many ways, but yet, their differences had always complimented one another. They giggled of how she used to walk the other way when he came down the hall at work. He told her that might have been why it took six months for him to figure out that the mystery woman everyone in the office made reference to was her. They spoke of arguments that they had, and they laughed about the time Dakota had defended her honor by hitting him with a chair. It was almost as if time had stood still for them and there had been no separation at all.

The phone calls became more frequent over the next several weeks. He could feel how they had reignited something in him. He wrote and sketched with a vigor and freedom that he had not known in years. He had always been amazed as to what she could bring out of him, that which no one else could even seem to find.

“We should go do something Saturday,” she stated after he answered the phone.

He was thrown back, but of course, said yes. She very seldom had ever made suggestions for an outing, and she planned even less. He suggested they go shopping. She was uncertain as to why he would want to do such, but he knew. The first full day they had ever spent together they shopped and got her nails done. The thought of recreating such a moment made him grin.

He purchased, on Friday afternoon, two tangerine and fuchsia roses, and placed them in the simplest of vases. He stared at them at length, amazed that two colors that were so different could merge so well, while yet maintaining a well-defined line of independence.

He had loaded the flowers up this morning, along with an alternate poem he had written her, and a CD that contained songs that expressed how he felt about her. After finishing the cigarette and putting away the letter, he started the journey into town, but the journey had almost come to an end. He reached into the console, pulled out the bottle, and doused himself with the cologne. He put a piece of gum into his mouth, as he hugged the curve.

He was becoming overwhelmed with emotions as he sped towards town. He could not believe that in a matter of moments he would be reuniting with Victoria. “Victoria,” he gasped. The primary source of his inspiration; she who took aspirations and molded them into reality. He had lived off the residuals of his first three books for the last several years. All three of them had been on the New York Times best seller list. She had made this possible, and now in the twilight of his life, she would revitalize that passion yet again.

It was at this instance that he caught sight of her standing in the parking lot. He saw her wave, and then her facial expression changed. PWHUCK…ERRRRAAAHH!

The Mack truck drug the Cadillac fifty feet before it became so tied up in it that it could not move. It took three hours for them to clean the sight of the wreckage.

For Victoria there would be no songs, no poem, and no flowers, but in some demented way it was all poetic, as he had never believed in Hollywood Endings. He had never written one, and now he would never experience one.



Can‘t Breathe!!!

by nicoli

Can’t Breathe!!!

Suffocating!!!

Choking!!!

Gasping for air!!!

My heart races at an alarming rate!

Time has flown,

Seconds!

Minutes!!

Panicked,

The world around me blurred,

As it goes racing by.

Months have passed into years.

Wheezing…

Fear consumes my psyche!!

Sight hazy,

And blurred.

Form approaching,

From the horizon.

Gliding,

As if wings spread,

And Heaven sent.

Gentle,

Elegant,

Is the voice that spills forth.

Angel?

Figure’s hand placed upon my heart,

Lungs expanding,

Heaven?

You?

Not a vision?

But rather reality?

Alas, you have returned,

And life is once more!!!



CD Tracks:

Track 1: Chicago “Wishing You Were Here”

Track 2: Elton John “Your Song”

Track 3: Nat King Cole and Natalie Cole “Unforgettable”

Track 4: Gordon Lightfoot “If You Could Read My Mind”

Track 5: The Righteous Brother “Unchained Melody”

Track 6: Billy Joel “Just the Way You Are”

Track 7: Jim Croce “Time In a Bottle”

Track 8: Percy Sledge “When a Man Loves a Woman”

Track 9: Billy Joel “She’s Always a Woman”