Reaching Nirvana

Every city. Every town. Obliterated. What was the point? It all backfired. Every experiment they ran just ran us into the ground. I’m the reason it’s all gone—and for what? Ridiculous to think anyone could get this mad about data. Killing each other over the scientific method. How can you take such a beautiful gift of otherworldly powers and abuse it for your own purpose of gaining financial status for Earthly warfare? When is enough enough?

“She eyes me like a Pisces when I am weak…”

God, I hate when a song gets stuck in my head because you know damn well you ain’t hearing any music any time soon. I don’t even remember the last time I saw a real human. I wish I didn’t remember anything after waking up, but I do and it was brutal. The shit I’m stuck with for the rest of eternity. Playing on repeat whether or not I close my eyes. With its own earworm soundtrack….

“I’ve been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks.”

Come on! Why can’t I stop singing this? I guess it’s not so bad because when I’m not singing a song in my head, I’m just hearing the calls of the dead. Way to go, everybody. I’m glad my mystical gifts led me to a human experience of the rest of my existence being listening to you apologize for something I didn’t want you to do in the first place, woo! We told you not to use our powers this way. You tortured the shit out of us for no reason. Turn human lives into mere commodity to be toyed with and treated like cattle when cattle don’t even deserve to be treated like cattle. And here we are.

“I’ve been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap.”

I guess Nirvana is better than this monologue I have going. My tirade against the man, or whatever it is. I fuckin’ quit. Where am I even going? It’s like everything looks so familiar but nothing is the same. How could you recognize the life that no longer exists? Yet I can’t stop walking. I know there is bodies amongst these piles of rubble because I can hear their voices. Apologizing for eternity. It’s no life for me, either. It gets old, and quick.

“I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black.”

Of all the years I innocently wielded this power of communication with the beyond, I never once thought it’d be a good idea to interview a bunch of war criminals. This is why I never like putting witchcraft on the internet. They knew too much, and we gave them the knowledge. At the end of the day, we have ourselves to blame. Well, that might be victim-blaming. And maybe we’re just too trusting. I should have never taken that internship. But what good is regret to me now? Useless. About as useless as these houses…

“Hey… Wait…”

I know where I am. I hear them calling my name… Oh… My God… All this rubbish… This was my life…

“I got a new complaint.”

This was the park we grew up going to. Somehow this playscape really held up… I guess the switch to metal was warranted. Probably time travelers who wanted to prep the apocalypse to entertain their children. Ha ha, I don’t know any time travelers. But if the war that ended the world was a spiritual one, then anything is possible. The pond is dried up. The bridge broken. But where is home?

“Forever in debt to your priceless advice.”

It’s one of those things you’re not even sure if you wanted to see. On one hand, it’s always good to say goodbye. The best way to let things go is to admit they’re gone, right? Staring down this side effect to a life like this, well, it’s sad. So the other hand, I have my memories. I could have just kept this an immeasurable treasure in my heart to carry with me for the rest of my days; full of family and love and comfort; teeming with joy, sadness, and boredom. God, how I miss boredom…

“Hey… Wait…”

I don’t know exactly what compels me to do things. I think for a long time I thought of it as God, or “the Universe”, like everything was equally a divine miracle as the next thing. I was always following, maybe even chasing. There was a sense of magic I wanted. I needed to explore. I had to see the world for myself. Now look at it. Going up these stairs isn’t the best idea, but I gotta see my room. I just gotta. Maybe there will be something there. Like a clue to find my family! Anything.

“I got a new complaint.”

I know the smell has faded to the smell of gunpowder and smoke, but it’s like I can smell this space with my brain. I remember my incense, the weed, that ridiculously expensive laundry detergent that was worth every penny. It’s come rushing back. I see what used to be my dresser, my bed. Fuck it. I’ll jump. I look through the clothes. What if I find something I like? Like… This box? What a peculiar tin I’ve got here… Strange to think I don’t remember it at all… What could possibly be inside?

“Forever in debt to your priceless advice.”

Ah, right. Of course! How could I forget that my astrology-loving best friend is the one stuck in the heart shaped box? I didn’t think I’d see this necklace ever again. God, Ang. You would not wanted to have seen this. You’d flip. I’m not saying you’re lucky you didn’t make it through the experiments, I’m just saying you’re not missing anything. Ugh. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to lay here… and reminisce… There was good times, once upon a time. And I’m determined for us to find them. Give me the strength right after I sleep…

I forgive you.