Psychic Soap Opera

The following is a stage adaptation of a sketch I wrote for a web show I created and produced in my college years. I'm posting it here for the sake of anyone who wants it. I have re-written it significantly so that it may be a better fit for other ensembles. I, the author of this work, hereby give you full permission to perform this in whatever capacity you desire, provided you give me due credit as its author.

CHARACTERS

Judy: 36; interior decorator

Charles: 37; doctor; Judy's husband

Vivian: 30; Judy and Charles's maid

Presenter

SCENE

Judy and Charles's living room

Circle Pines, MN

TIME

Present day

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SETTING: A luxurious living room. There is a chair upstage.

AT RISE: JUDY sits in it, reading a book. The PRESENTER stands upstage center, lit by a spotlight.

PRESENTER : Hello. Normally, we write all our own sketches. However, my little brother happened to write something for us earlier today and he insisted we do it for you tonight. We wanted to tell him no, but...well, he's five. And he's in the audience right now. We've punched it up a bit, but there's only so much you can do on short notice. It’s a soap opera wherein each character is psychic. Enjoy...if you can.

(The spot goes out and the PRESENTER exits. Soap opera music begins playing. The lights go up. CHARLES enters. The music fades out.)

CHARLES : Judy...I have something to—

JUDY : You're leaving me for another woman.

CHARLES : Yes. I never meant to—

JUDY : It's Victoria, your secretary with the checkered past. It happened very suddenly and it's been going on for three-and-a-half years now.

CHARLES : Yes...I'm sorry, Judy.

JUDY : Well, before you walk out that door forever, there's—

CHARLES : You're carrying my child!

JUDY : Yes. I was hoping—

CHARLES : It's a girl and you were planning on naming her Sylvia, after my mother who died tragically in a Foosball accident.

JUDY : She's going to grow up to be a lawyer.

(VIVIAN enters.)

VIVIAN : Mrs. Lawrence, can I—?

JUDY : You need to leave town because you've been framed for the murder of Dylan Wainwright, the wealthy playboy with possible mob ties. You're planning on fleeing to Paris, but the authorities will track you down there and it will end tragically with you falling off the top of the Eiffel Tower. You'll leave me everything in your will, including custody of your son Jake, who I'll soon discover was actually fathered by my first husband Hector.

VIVIAN : (a beat) Damn, you're good! (exits)

CHARLES : Well...I must be leaving, Judy.

JUDY : Victoria's jealous ex-boyfriend is going to poison you on your honeymoon.

(A beat.)

CHARLES : Eh. I've had a good run. Goodbye, Judy.

JUDY : Goodbye, Charles.

(CHARLES exits. JUDY goes back to reading her book. The soap opera music begins playing again.)

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SKETCH)