And the Award Goes To...

The following is a stage adaptation of a sketch I wrote for a radio program I created and produced in my college years. I'm posting it here for the sake of anyone who wants it. I, the author of this work, hereby give you full permission to perform this in whatever capacity you desire, provided you give me due credit as its author.

CHARACTERS

David Higgins: 43; director and producer

Sarah Higgins: 42; writer, director, and producer

Johnny Whitfield: 33; presenter and radio personality

Iris Morgan: 27; presenter and radio personality

Announcer

SCENE

A grand proscenium theatre

New York, NY

TIME

Present day

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SETTING: An awards ceremony. A podium stands downstage center. DAVID and SARAH are seated among the audience.

AT RISE: “Hooray for Hollywood” begins playing.

ANNOUNCER (offstage): Welcome back to the 49th Annual Golden Antenna Awards! And now, here to present the award for Best Director for a Radio Play, from WTFU in Paterson, New Jersey, are Johnny Whitfield and Iris Morgan!

(JOHNNY and IRIS walk out to the podium from opposite sides of the stage. The audience applauds. JOHNNY has an envelope in his hand; IRIS carries an award. Once JOHNNY and IRIS reach the podium, the music stops. JOHNNY and IRIS face out, to the teleprompter.)

IRIS : Well, Johnny, we’ve sure had a marvelous crop of radio plays this year.

JOHNNY : We sure have, Iris. And everybody knows that a good radio is nothing without a great director.

IRIS : The nominees for Best Director of a Radio Play are: Matthew Rice for “Thank You for Stealing Cable”...

(The audience applauds.)

JOHNNY : ...Jonathan Lindsay for “The Mozambicans are Coming, the Mozambicans are Coming”...

(The audience applauds.)

IRIS : ...Karen Maruyama for “The Curious Case of the Cow in the Night Club”...

(The audience applauds.)

JOHNNY : Gary Thomas Phillips for “Earth vs. Soup II: Revenge of the Gazpacho”...

(The audience applauds.)

IRIS: ...and...oh, boy.

JOHNNY: What is it, Iris? (reads the prompter) Oh, crap. That could get awkward.

IRIS : I know.

JOHNNY: But we can’t not read it; they are nominated.

IRIS : I know!

JOHNNY : Well, what are waiting for? Just get it over with!

IRIS : Alright, alright! (to the audience) David and Sarah Higgins for “Moonlight Over Blackwater, Missouri”.

(Little to no applause. What little there is, is hesitant.)

JOHNNY : And the winner is... (opens the envelope and reads) Aw, man. David and Sarah Higgins, “Moonlight Over Blackwater, Missouri”.

("Hooray for Hollywood" plays again as DAVID and SARAH walk up to the stage.)

ANNOUNCER : This is David’s sixth and Sarah’s first nomination, and the first win for both.

(DAVID and SARAH walk onto the stage and to the podium. IRIS hands SARAH the award. JOHNNY and IRIS exit, then the music stops.)

DAVID : Thank you.

SARAH : Yes, thank you very much.

DAVID: (deep breath) Well, we might as well address the elephant in the room. Yes, we are getting a divorce.

SARAH : It has nothing to do with the play, of course. In spite of the rumors, working together on “Moonlight” was not the catalyst for our divorce.

DAVID : No, we loved working on this project. It’s her I hated. But as long as we didn’t have to be in the same room as each other, we were fine.

SARAH : Yes. He directed his scenes, I directed mine, and we just stayed out of each other’s way. We never fought in the studio.

DAVID : Yeah. We waited till we were both home. Then, we fought.

SARAH : Oh, boy, how we fought! And the vases! We broke about twelve vases!

DAVID : You broke twelve vases.

SARAH : Well, I wouldn’t have broken any if you could just keep it in your pants for once your goddamn life!

DAVID : Once! It happened once! I was drunk!

SARAH : Oh, that’s your excuse for everything! “I was drunk.” “It was dark and I thought she was you.” “She was trying to give me mouth-to-mouth and got lost.” Anyway, we’d like to thank the Golden Antenna Organization for this award.

DAVID : Yes, this award that I worked hard to win all my life and she gets it on the first try—

SARAH : This is not my “first try”! I’ve directed more plays on the stage than you’ve directed in your whole life! Do you how much harder it is to put a play together on stage than it is for radio?

DAVID : Ah, yes, the theatre! The great, sophisticated medium of the educated and the hoi polloi! What was the last play you directed, by the way? What was it called? “Slumber Party Massacre: The Musical”?

SARAH : You know what? Your name’s on this statuette, too! So don’t act like you never get anything you want!

DAVID : Well, maybe I never did! Maybe that’s why I’m leaving you!

SARAH : Excuse me?! I’m leaving you!

DAVID : Oh, who cares? (picks up the statue and slams it down closer to SARAH) Here! Just take it! You’re gonna get it in the settlement, anyway!

(A beat as SARAH gives DAVID a dirty look.)

DAVID: What?!

SARAH : Nothing. It’s just that I’ve never seen you move that much before.

DAVID : Well, maybe if you gave me something to move for!

SARAH : I’ve told you a million times, David, I will not do that!

DAVID : Show me in the Bible where it says we can’t do that, Sarah! Show me in the Bible!

SARAH : That is it! You’ve embarrassed me in public for the last damn time! You remember all those times I said, “One of these days, one of these miserable days, I’m going to kill you!”? Well, congratulations! Today is the day!

(SARAH begins strangling DAVID. JOHNNY and IRIS rush on stage to separate the two and drag them apart. "Playing You Off (Your Speech is Too Long)" plays as this happens.)

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SKETCH)