Private Square

The lights came up on the live show in Wilmington, Delaware. Jitters and nerves had been cast into the vapor. Morning show host Annette Corr smiled as the camera zoomed in on her.

“Good morning! This is Up to It. Welcome to the first day American television broadcast networks will be allowed to use profanities on-air from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. In order to compete with social media and independent journalists on the Internet! Having said that, rest assured, my reporters and I on this show will not be taking advantage of this rule-change, not today, not ever. Chad.”

Chad Lennings looked at Annette with a toothpaste smile.

“Good morning, Annette! Today I’m speaking with comedian Scarford Doilings about the shift to a brave new world of television, without government censorship. Good morning, Mr. Doilings.”

“It’s great to be here,” Doilings replied.

“Now we’re not going to use any profanity, even though we’re allowed to now, but feel free if the spirit moves you!” He laughed nervously.

“It doesn’t really work like that. I’m not a trained seal who performs on demand,”Doilings answered.

More nervous laughter. “I mean your stand up routine is saturated with dirty, filthy, nasty, spicy language. You’re allowed to say whatever you want, here and now for the world to see and hear.”

Doilings’ mouth looked like an upside down U. “If you think I’m going to fly off at the mouth because I can, you don’t understand how comedy works, or who I am. I’m a professional. I take my craft seriously. Just because network TV is seriously lagging behind the Web, doesn’t mean there isn’t a time and place for such language, and morning television isn’t it. Yes, I use such language, but it’s organic. Even when I do use profanity, it’s part of a carefully crafted routine. I don’t just hop on stage for a set, and start hurling expletives at my audience, and I won’t do it here either.”

Lennings kept smiling while looking at his cards. “Let’s switch gears. This platform is open. What would you like to let people know about your new film, The Flow of the Show?”

“Okay. I’ve been able to spread my wings on this project. I also served as the Director and Executive Producer. The private square of this television network will broadcast the film unedited.”

“How many curse words are in this new movie?”

“Why are you people obsessed with words you couldn’t say before?!”

“We just want to hear you say something that would never have been said before on a major network. C’mon! Give us one!” Lennings exclaimed.

“I’m thinking of two words, but I’m not going to give you the satisfaction,” Doilings said, scowling.

Lennings put his hands up as if in surrender, a silly grin still plastered on his face.

“We understand you don’t want to say the words.”

“That’s right,” Doilings replied, straightening his collar and tie.

“If you don’t want to say any of those words, would you care to venture a guess as to why the government made this decision now,” Lennings queried.

Doilings exhaled. “I think the government’s tenure as arbiter of virtue in this country has run its course has run its course. Commercial TV networks were losing money, even with ads, because people would rather pay to watch ad-free broadcasting of things they know they’ll like than get ‘free’ programming full of commercial breaks, no matter how ‘clean’ the language. So just because you have their permission to broadcast uncensored content here, doesn’t mean I’m not going to censor myself. I still get to say what I want, when I want. Seems like you don’t know the difference between ‘may’ and ‘must.’”

“I see. Well thank you for coming on the show and we hope you do well with your new film.”

“Thank you and good luck suckering someone else into cussing on-demand.”

The camera cut to Annette. “We’ll be back with chef Earl Collins. Stay tuned.”