Portfolio Series: Victimise Part 2

White walls. Padded… no cushioned. Soft to the touch. Apparently they can’t tell where my mind is and whether I’m a danger to myself. I’ve never thought of myself as a danger but I guess I’m in here for a reason. The padded cell of mental institution, court mandated. I still don’t know why I’m here. I didn’t do anything wrong. I just did it, like my parents. They all asked me to do it. I got consent. That’s what everyone is on about these days, consent? Anyway, they all said to do it and now I’m here, waiting for someone to see me and explain. I find myself pacing constantly, I always was impatient but I guess now I’m an impatient in patient. I tap my foot and I wait all day, but I’ve been told that the doctor will see me today. I don’t know how they can call those people doctors but there’s a lot of people known as doctors who aren’t interested in helping people medically. I decide to sit on the bed and close my eyes. I miss my tool. The coolness on my skin and how sticky it gets afterwards. I think about that to pass the time.

“Hello John,” a woman’s voice woke me from my dream, “I’m Doctor Topping, and I’ll be seeing to your therapy. I’m here to help.” I open my eyes and stare at her. She’s ordinary, nothing special. I guess they all start out like that for me. I watched as she entered the room with a chair and a clipboard. Then she was followed by two muscled men. Now they were extraordinary. They wore simple medical scrubs but they were tight and I could tell they enjoyed the gym. As my eyes darted around the room, they were brought back to the centre by Doctor Topping as she cleared her throat. “Now, these two are here for both of our safety. If we have some successful sessions then they won’t need to be here but for now they stay.” Her voice irritated me, I found it alluring. My father used to tell me that he found my mother’s voice grating and irritating and now I know what attracted him to her. “Okay, John. I want to know why you think you’ve been brought here. Take your time.” I moved to a seated position on the edge of the bed. I watched her smile and she seemed optimistic. I glanced at one of the two men, they hadn’t moved nor had they stopped looking at me. I guess I’ve always had that attraction. Like a magnet people are drawn to me. They are just like all the rest, wanting me. As the doctor started to write, or it was possibly doodling, I mean it did look like that, I leaned forward to try and glance at it but couldn’t see. “Honestly, I don’t really know,” I answered as I gave into my curiosity. I wanted to know if she found me fascinating like these men and all the others. “Okay, John. Erm, how about we go back to the trial? Not the trial itself but do you remember what the people outside were saying?”

“My fans?”

“Erm, yeah. Your fans.”

I thought back. I remember being in a suit, I always looked good in a suit, and handcuffs. It felt weird to be the one in handcuffs but I guess I had to experience what it was like in their shoes once in my life. I remember asking the guard where I could get some like it and hear him grunt in disgust. Some people were just vanilla I guess. He escorted me on the stairs. I could see my fans holding signs and screaming but they just wanted to see me. I got to the top and wanted to wave to those who came to see me but the handcuffs made it difficult and the escort ushered me quickly inside.

“Okay. Good John. Now I want you to stop there. Go back to… your fans. Can you make out any of the signs? Can you tell me anything they were saying? Close your eyes if you need to.” I did as she said. I guess she liked the surprise role play. I focused on the signs and on the voices. “I didn’t focus on the signs. They were a bit of a blur. But the voices. I remember them screaming my name.”

“And what else was they saying. Fans don’t just scream your name. They say a lot of things.” I thought back hard. “Murderer!” I never realised it before but they called me murderer. “Okay, now tell me how does that make you feel?”

“Well they’re wrong obviously.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, I didn’t murder anyone. We just did it. They asked me to do it with them. Each of them.”

“Okay. And after you did them? What happened to them?”

“How am I meant to know? I don’t run their life. They are like everyone else. They leave me. They don’t care about my feelings. Do you know what it’s like Doctor? Do you know what it’s like to be used and then never see them again?” She looked down at her clipboard and started again. I was still unable to see her doodles, maybe she’d show me after we were done. After a moment she looked up at me. “Okay, John. I understand you have strong feelings about being abandoned and possibly rejected. Can you tell me when that started? Can you recall any major points in life where that happened?” I looked her dead in the eyes. I didn’t want to remember those times. But I sighed and gave in. She would help with my intimacy issues. “Her.” She looked at me quietly. “Who is her?” I realised my mistake. The doctor wouldn’t know who I was referring to. Now I feel stupid. “I’m sorry. I would say one of the more recent ones was the worst. I’m an adult and I shouldn’t be left feeling rejected. But I guess the name and the event that stands out somewhat is with Miriam. Miriam Webster.”

It all started when I went to my first session to help me stop drinking, I was an alcoholic. I realised it had gotten too much and I needed help. I needed to quit so I went to an Anonymous meeting. You know the places where addicts go, one of them. Anyone could go and that’s where Miriam was. She was a bit older than me, or at least that’s how she appeared and I honestly couldn’t have cared much about her. People only interest me when they show interest. I’ve learnt to live that way, don’t hunt but seem like the prey. Anyway, the session went as expected and I went to my car afterwards. I watched as the others left, my motor running and music playing and I enjoyed a secret pleasure. I used to smoke and I have one cigarettes that I smell, just to help take the edge off. I don’t smoke it but this helps with my craving. That’s when she popped her head in, I never even noticed she hadn’t left but she asked for help. Her car has broken down, but honestly I didn’t even see her go to or come from one. I put my cig back in it’s case and I let her guide me to her address. It wasn’t too far but during this time I could tell she was interested. She wrote down her number on a piece of paper she had in her purse and took my number typing it in her phone. She left my car and I felt interested, I knew deep down that I was going to be coming back to that house, I just wasn’t sure when that would be. I drove home and hadn’t even been in my flat for five minutes before she was ringing me. I answered and she mentioned that she needed to fix something. She must have seen my tools in the car and figured I could fix things, but I had no idea. She asked me to go round and that was just too easy, she wanted me badly.

I rushed round and she met me at the door. I brought my bag and I was ready. I had to wait though. She needed to ask for me to do it. She led me to her bedroom and I saw nothing broken. Then she said those magic words. And I knew that this was going to be a good time. I placed a Pearl necklace around her neck but she was too in the moment to care. She was placing her lips on my neck, I didn’t understand this but then I pulled out some rope. She grinned excitedly. I tied her up. I bound her hands and legs and she was willing. Then she asked me a strange question. “Why aren’t my clothes off?” I don’t understand that either. This is how it’s done. I ignored her and pulled out my special tool. I looked at it before I did anything. It was sharp and shiny and my reflection was perfect. It was time to ruin that. Then everything just goes blurry. I don’t hear or see anything other than my tool plunging into her. Just like he did. But I had to add my special touches. It had been twenty seven years and I plunged once for each year. I watched her face and it froze just like her. I removed the Pearl necklace and nudged Miriam. She was gone. Just like her. Out like a light. I looked out the window and didn’t realise how early it was. The sun was rising and she didn’t seemed interested after doing it. I close the curtains for her. I turn off the light and I leave like every other time. You know, she never called me again. Ghosting I believe it’s called now. I’m not too sure though.

I stopped and felt myself pulled back into the present. I looked at the doctor. She seemed shocked. Must have never done it. I watched her gulp and then she spoke again. “So Miriam was the first?”

“No Miriam wasn’t my first but it had been a while. Think I was in a dry spell.”

“Ok, but recently it was Miriam that ended that dry spell?”

“Yeah, Miriam. Then Thatch showed interest and asked. Then Anthony, he wanted to do it, and I’m sure they call it a quickie. Finally was Eleanor. Now she wanted what I think is called role play. She screamed, in joy obviously, and wanted me to chase her.”

“Okay. Then after Eleanor, you got taken into custody.”

“Yes. I believe it’s unjustified. I didn’t do anything wrong. They all asked me to do it.”

“Let’s slow down a second. Mr Smith, John, what do you mean?”

“Well each one of the group members, said do it and I know what that means. They showed me.”

“Who showed you? What did they show you?”

“My parents. My mother and father. Well specifically my father. I mean I don’t think they meant for me to see it but I did and now I know.”

“John, what did they show you? Can you recall?” I nodded and gulped. It had been a long time since I witnessed my father do my mother and honestly I hadn’t heard from them since but the doctor wanted to know.

I was six years old. Barely a babe and I enjoyed listening to an old cassette player that played various nursery rhymes. I had one favourite. My parents knew that. My mother was in their room when my father came home. I asked him to play with me. I asked him to sing along with me but he wasn’t interested. He said all he wanted to do was do it with my mother. I didn’t understand what that meant. My mother left the room and went to speak to my father. That’s when I sneaked in. I hid in the closet and had took my cassette player with me. I had forgotten it was in my hand. They had a closet with the slats, so I could see. I kept very quiet as my father led my mother into the bedroom. They didn’t notice me. My father placed my mother’s prized Pearl necklace on her and then she lay down. This was the first time they hadn’t argued in a while. Then I watched my father pull out his special, shiny, sharp tool. He plunged it into her. She fell limp. Then my father announced he had done it. He then lay down neck to her and plunged the tool into himself. I heard him make a sound and then he rolled off the bed. His hand caught the closet door and it opened slightly. It was enough for him to see me. He then apologised and said he lied. I watched as he lay in a pool of it. Lies, I guess. I didn’t really understand.

The doctor held up her hand. “Okay, let’s stop for now.” I watched as she started to write things down. She kept glancing at me, it was the same look as Miriam had given me. I knew it. “I hadn’t finished. When can I continue?”

“Let’s do it…” The words. I had permission. I didn’t have my special tool with me. But she had something close enough. I jumped up and grabbed her pen. It would have to do. I plunged it into her neck, maybe she would enjoy the neck. I felt so much joy.

“John, Mister Smith?” Doctor Topping asked. She looked at the man who had cradled himself and began to sing Humpty Dumpty. Doctor Topping looked to the two men who had come in with her and they escorted her out of the room. “I guess we can continue next time. But honestly I don’t know it would help.” She stared in the little window and listened. “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men, couldn’t put Humpty together again.” She sighed and shook her head before turning away and hearing John Smith repeat the nursery rhyme.