Pen ‘not actually mightier than sword’ & Woman hiker twangs branch into annoying husband

Pens "not all that mighty, actually" after taking major beating from swords

A number of pens are today licking their wounds after being set upon by a baying mob of rampaging swords.

The swords are believed to have launched a vicious attack on the popular ink dispensers after allegedly ‘growing tired of those smug little bastards constantly boasting how much mightier they are than us’.

The incident occurred outside a branch of Ryman’s where a group of pens including a pair of dry board markers, a little biro from a nearby bookies, and several ballpoints were ‘in high spirits, maybe being a bit loud but not really doing anything wrong’, an eyewitness – who wishes to remain anonymous – told reporters.

They went on, “Then, from nowhere, this almighty racket of heavy metal on pavement starts up – next thing I knew this gang of extremely angry looking sword-type things are rushing the pens, shouting this like ‘Stop the lies, you inky little fuckers!’, and ‘Not looking so mighty now, are we sunshine!?”

A statement has appeared on the unfortunately named penismightier.co.uk confirming that whilst the majority of injuries were generally limited to some ink-spill, minor nib damage and lid loss, a multi-coloured retractable biro faces having its green amputated in a bid to save its remaining colours.

Meanwhile, a counter-statement made by the rogue sword faction, SWORDID TRUTH, simply read ‘Swords r grate, pens suck arse’.

Woman Hiker "Knew branch would twang into husband"

Marital relations between a husband and wife from Leeds remained "strained" last night, after the wife admitted she purposefully let a thorny branch twang back into her husband after she had pushed her way past it.

Simone Williams, 35, and her husband Simon, also 35, had been bickering all morning whilst walking through local woodlands when the incident occurred, leading Mr Williams to say ‘ow’ and then sulk for several hours.

Mr Williams claimed he had just been making conversation with his wife, telling us, “Y’know I was pointing out how the woods is full of stuff that could be used in an emergency survival situation… berries, fishing rods made from twigs… when this branch, all covered in spiky bits- whacked right into me!

“It scratched my neck and face, somehow getting through my forty quid Bear Grylls snood!

“I knew she meant to do it. She hadn’t said a word since I told her to keep an eye out for weak squirrels that we could hunt and eat for dinner.

Recalling her version of events, Simone confessed, “He had been doing my nut in the entire walk.

“We were only going round the bloody woods but he was acting like we were halfway up Kilimanjaro.

“I blame Channel 4. They show far too many reality survival shows aimed at impressionable men nearing a mid-life crisis.

“He normally can’t be arsed to walk to the shop."

Mr Williams is said to be convalescing well and almost out of his sulk.

This article was first published over at satire site NewsThump.com. Reproduced with kind permission. This is the first in a series of installments from my work at NewsThump, who I can recommend as a good place to try out "writing to order" - as most of their stories relate to real world, current affairs. But! You can also write your own news to fit your stories, which is what I generally do . . .

JS Harding is a novelist and humour writer who has written for BBC Comedy and NewsThump. His psychological thriller, Under Rand Farm, written under the pen name LJ Denholm is available via Amazon, while his forthcoming humour novel, The Good Dr Grevaday? is slated for release in early 2022.