Pearl Harbor

One hour and 15 minutes. Was I above, on deck, walking around or below deck in a ship? I don’t know and I have pushed and begged my brain for memories that are not there. I think about it a lot. I wonder if I was at Pearl Harbor in 1941 and how I would have died.

7:55am in the morning, finished breakfast, uniforms, seagulls cawing, morning sun on your face, chatter, swaying with the ship, clanking, climbing up and down stairs, morning sunshine and then, destruction.

Cold blue steel, inside or out, fire and bombs showering all around you and your ship. Chaos, surprise, fear, anger, survival, and grief, all at the same time hovering around as the dark smoke and loud bombs fill the air from all directions, and you are deafened by the sounds. Confused and mesmerized by the bombs dropping from the sky do you look up or around for relief and savior?

Have you ever had the feeling you have been somewhere before? Have you ever felt emotions or fears of an experience you have never been through? Maybe you have. Maybe you have not. I was six years old when I had my first experience. My first nightmare that I can remember had do with water. Not water you swim in. Not a clear sparkling and refreshing pool or ocean water you can see the bottom. I am talking about the whisper of dark water that sucks you in and as hard as you try, you can’t escape.

You are smelling and tasting the saltwater as it engulfs you. Your fear builds as you realize this is how you are going to die. You are going to die alone, hearing screams, smelling a residue filling your nostrils and lungs with a smog that festers, and then silence. You hear nothing but the silence of your friends that were screaming and the smell of oil and sound of fire, ravaging through the harbor. You smell death.

You can’t breathe or scream yourself, as the water fills and burns your lungs, the water rises, and the bombs are exploding overhead. An hour and 15 minutes of this and then all is silent. The world stands still, the sky is filled with smoke. Fires burn on the water and the water sways, turns dark and red and grimaces with death and blood. Since I was little, I have felt an overwhelming sense of being consumed by the water; being engulfed by it and the heaviness pushing in on me until I can’t push back or breathe.

I am an exceptional fearless swimmer. I started young on swim team at about seven years old, then I was a lifeguard in high school, taught 3-year old’s how to swim, can tread water like nobody’s business, and took all my college PE’s completing Kinesiology swimming courses. I can dive, butterfly, backstroke, breaststroke, freestyle, and scuba like I have a few gills on my sides. I have saved a few lives, love and respect the water but still have a fear of the dark unforgiving depths that can call you home. Being sucked into a world with no oxygen and no way out continues to be one of my biggest fears. I thought maybe it was getting trapped in the river when I was about 5 in the waterfall and the lifeguards pulling me out, but as I get older, I wonder if it is something from before.

Never would I consider reincarnation as a real thing. Shoot, I think your soul is up in heaven and you are sent down whenever God chooses to send you to ride the wave of life and manage between determinism and free will for a one time ride. Godspeed and good luck. But once I got a little older and had multiple occurrences on December 7th, coupled with my fear of dark water, I have considered several times I had history in a prior life at Pearl Harbor in December in 1941.

If I had my choice of time periods to be from, or have unexplained experiences from, I would choose the late 1800’s or early 1900’s; when we were trying to find our way, exploring, experiencing the hardships of life and family, and enduring to get to where we are today. I would love to try and finagle a world and life with no limits. I wish I had nightmares from this time. I would not choose Pearl Harbor in December of 1941, but somehow, I feel it has chosen me.

I don’t drive when the ditches are full of water. I can’t be in the truck at the boat ramp when downloading a boat into the water. I am full of fear of getting sucked into the dank, dark waters and never reappearing back into the light. I have had repeated bad experiences on December 7th; not in the water but trapped and anxiety that I cannot explain several times over my lifetime.

Was I there when it happened or a part of me? Was I a soul that was gone way too soon? Will never know but will always wonder. Have you ever considered your fears as a past life or experience you can’t explain? Always in the back of my mind without explanation for the fear or anxiety that overcomes me on that day. Never too far away.