Our Last Trip

We drove up the snowy, winding road towards the cozy A-frame cabin. The snow shimmered, like infinite pieces of spilled glitter covering pine trees. The fresh sent of cold air seeped through the vents. I couldn’t help but look through the rear view mirror at Binks. His old and grayed face lit up as he realized where we were headed to. Our family cabin, the place where we spent many camping trips and family gatherings.

This time, it’s just us three; Libby, my wife, myself, and our Binks. Binks has been with us for the past 11 years. He’s a Golden Retriever, we got him when we first moved in together. It was by accident really, a coworker had bought him but he was never able to take care of him. He said that the puppy was too much for him in his small apartment. He asked around the office who wanted the dog, he called Spark. Libby and I had just moved in together and I thought it was something we could do, raise him.

“I’ll take him, Jake.” I told him

He gave me a thumbs up and a sigh of relief came over him.

“He’s a good dog. I just can’t man. I’m here late hours and he’s cooped up at my place. Thanks.” He said as he gave my shoulder a squeeze.

I hadn’t even asked Libby but I knew in my heart that it was the right choice. That night I went to pick him up and got home with the cutest little puppy in my arms. That was the start of our beautiful journey together.

Libby was ecstatic when she laid eyes on him. Immediately she renamed him Binks, after one of her favorite characters from a childhood movie. The next day we went to buy him anything he wanted at the pet store.

My thoughts fade from those beautiful memories and my eyes catch Binks’ smile.

“We’re here boy!” I say as I pull to a stop and park the car right in front of the cabin.

Our family cabin has been in my family since my grandparents got married. It’s small but cozy. Dark wood adorns each crevasse and it’s green arcs stand out in the snow.

I jump out the car and turn to Binks and my wife. She’s hugging him and whispering in his ear. His shallow pants fill with small whimpers as he licks her face.

“My good boy.” She says as she places her face against his.

I let them have their moment. We knew this time was coming. Binks was always a healthy dog but now in his old age, the cancer got him. He’s been in and out of treatments the last 6 months. The vet said it’s time to give him his last good days and say goodbye. They couldn’t stop the spread anymore and given his age, the best thing was to stop treatments.

Libby kisses his nose and wipes silent tears from the corner of her eyes. I open the car door and help Binks out. He is not himself lately but when he gets those bursts of energy, his old self comes out if only for a moment. As soon as his tired paws hit the snow covered driveway, he jumps up with excitement. Little happy pats make the snow crunch under his light body. We watch him as he makes his way around the car and sniffs just about everything. The fresh pine trees, the snow covered grass, the pots that line up the driveway with faded Christmas bows. He slowly makes his way to the end of the driveway, where the sun rays linger in incoming dusk. He sits there for a moment resting, he closes his eyes as if he is soaking in every last bit of sun into his body.

I look at Libby, who is holding my hand on my right. The tears seeping from her eyes, again in silence. It’s been hard but we try not to cry in front of Binks. I give her hand a squeeze as we watch our boy. He sits there peacefully enjoying the sun. He then struggles to get out of the seated position he’s been in and makes a little whimper that calls me over. The cancer has taken over his body but not only that, his old joints make it tough for him to move around.

“Coming boy!” I say as I make my way to him.

I reach him and stroke his fur. It’s losing it’s softness and the color isn’t as bright as it was before. I give him the widest smile and a quick “boop” on the nose. I lift him gently from his hind legs, he’s still able to walk, he just needs a little push. He then starts walking his stiff legs out and we head to the front door.

As Binks joins my wife at the front of the steps, I quickly grab our bags from the trunk. I join them and open up the cabin. The caretaker had already started a fire for us to be ready once we got here. The fireplace greets us in a warm embrace and Binks goes straight towards it. He slowly lays down on the rug right in front of the fireplace. Libby joins him and I settle us in.

I look at my family enjoying the warmth and think to the last 11 years. It’s been tough, Libby and I have been through a lot and through all those times, good and bad, Binks was always there. He was there to withstand life’s blows. He was always there for us when we needed him. When we were at our worst, he was there to sit with us and just let us cry. To try to cheer us up by being goofy or to just lay there until we felt better. He was also there through all the good times. He was there to share a large smile, showing us how proud he was. Or just giving his happy pats on our wooden floor showing his approval.

He was there when I lost my job. He was there when my father passed. He was there when Libby had her car accident. He was there when we were told we couldn’t have kids. He was there when we bought our first house. He was there when I was hired at a better firm. He was there when Libby was in physical therapy, and he was there as our child. I know that some think dogs shouldn’t be considered children, but to us that are unable to have any of our own, our pets are our children. He’s the best kid any parent could have, and now we have to say goodbye. My heart aches and I choke back a painful sob. I look at them again still enjoying the fireplace. The vet said it was only a matter of days. The cancer has spread to his lungs and there is nothing else to do. The good thing is that he isn’t in pain. We have enough pain killers to keep him comfortable during his last moments.

As Libby starts humming to Binks, I started unpacking his goodies and placing them in the fridge. We got all his favorite food. He has fresh salmon, large steaks, blueberries, carrots, peach yogurt, and finally I pull out a small bag of kisses. He’s never had them before, for obvious reasons. But I remembered something at the vet office. Our vet has a little jar of Hershey kisses sitting on his desk. There’s a description on the jar that reads “No dog should leave this earth without tasting chocolate.” I asked him about it one of the days we were discussing treatments, he smiled and looked at the jar.

“I think it’s unfair dogs can’t have chocolate. But in their final moments they should be able to taste it before they leave this earth.” He responded with a sad smile.

I look at the bag of chocolate and back at my family.I hope that we have at least a few days before I give him his last treat. I put everything away and join them on the rug. Libby is still humming, I know immediately what the song is. It’s Binks’ song. She’s a major Guns and Roses fan and it’s the song she always sings to Binks, Sweet Child O’Mine. She has his head on her lap and continues to hum his song. Tears stream down her cheek gently and she wipes them away while still stroking our sweet boy. I look down at him and he is so peaceful, in this light he almost looks like his healthy, younger self.

“Should I cook up his dinner?” I ask my wife with a tremble in my voice.

She looks at me, her green eyes puffy with sadness. She nods quietly.

“Yes. I don’t think we have much time left.” She says in sudden realization.

I quickly wipe the tears from my face and make my way back to the kitchen. The vet said a few more days but that it could happen at any time. I push away the thoughts and starts cooking his salmon and steak.

The room starts filling with delicious smells of rosemary and garlic. I add extra butter to his steak as it cooks. That seems to have gotten his attention. I hear my wife chuckle a bit.

“There he is. That steak is waking him up, you’ll get all your favorite food tonight my sweet boy!” She says with excitement.

Binks picks up his head from her lap and starts panting. He gives a little “woof” and his tail starts to wag with joy. He makes an effort to stand and my wife helps him up.

I hear the little pats of his paws and then feel his wet nose against my jeans. He hasn’t been eating well, but now it seems his appetite has awoken again.

“Woof!” He barks as he does his little dance next to me. I think about his paws hitting the wooden floor, oh how I’m going to miss that sound.

“It’s almost ready boy!” I say as I turn off the stove. I pull the salmon out from the oven and start cutting both the steak and salmon. Libby pulls out his blueberries, yogurt, and carrots. While she washed them I place his half a steak and half a salmon on a fancy plate. Libby places the sides around the plate and plops some yogurt in one of the corners.

“Ready my little Binks?!” She asks with joy as he continues to give his excited pats and butt wiggles.

“Woof!” He barks in agreement.

She places the plate down and we sit next to him as he slowly enjoys his favorites. He gives little grunts of pleasure and his tail is still slightly wagging. We watch him and I stroke his ears as he gobbled down as much as he can.

He doesn’t finish all of it. He took a bite of everything but not all completely. It’s okay, as long as he is enjoying his food. I take the rest up and place it in a container. We have more salmon and steak and enough sides to make his favorite dish for days. He then slowly makes his way back to the rug in front of the fireplace. His excitement has left him. He gets those random bursts of energy and then it’s as if the light has been turned off in him. If there is one thing I truly hate in this world, is cancer. I know he’s already an older dog and he made it to the expentency of his breed but, I wish he didn’t have cancer. All this suffering has been too much to take. Seeing him whither away has been like someone grabbing my heart and squeezing it like a stress ball. Libby joins him on the rug and he places his head on her lap again.

I join them and wrap my arms around them both. Libby starts singing now, Binks’ song. I close my eyes and let the lyrics take me back to when he was happy and healthy. Before the cancer took his body. The tears start to flow again and I am jolted back to his breathing. It’s different now. I look at my wife and she nods as little sobs come out of her mouth. I get up as calmly and quietly as I can as to not disturb Binks. I head to the kitchen and grab the bag of kisses. I make my way back to my family and open the bag. Binks opens his eyes for just a second and his nose moves with curiosity. I pull out a kiss and unwrap it. His eyes are closed again and I place the chocolate in front of his nose.

“Here boy. You’ll love this.” I say as tears keep streaming down.

He opens his eyes in a squint and sniffs the chocolate in my hand. He slowly brings down his tongue and takes the kiss in his mouth. His eyes close back as he savors something he’s never tasted in his life. My wife continues singing and I lay down next to my Binks.

Oh sweet child o’mine

I let the words linger in my heart and mind as I pet my boy. He opens his eyes at me and I stroke him behind the ears.

“You’re the best boy anyone could have asked for. You’ve filled a hole that nobody or nothing could have filled and you’ve made our life whole. You are my son and will always be my son. Thank you for teaching me to love and be patient. Thank you for always being there in our good times and bad. You can go. Don’t worry, we will be okay and we will never forget you. We will see you again someday over that rainbow bridge. I hope that you know you will forever be in our hearts.” I tell him as I continue to stroke him behind the ears. He lifts his head up and gives me a lick on the cheek.

Oh sweet child o’mine

My wife sobs and I can’t hold back anymore. We both hold him as he takes his last breath. His eyes are closed and it looks as if he’s sleeping. Libby hugs him once more.

“You’ll always be my child. I love you.” She whispers in his ear.

I could feel him around us still. As if he was reassuring us that all was well. I give him one more hug and let out a painful sob. We sit there with our arms around him, sobbing into his fur. After a while Libby straightens up and says it’s time to take him outside. I made sure the caretaker had his laying spot ready for us.

I wrap him up in his favorite blanket and carry him outside. Libby by my side holding his head. We walk to the back by the swing set. We say another goodbye as we lay him to rest.