Order My Steps

Connie sat in the back seat of Lauryn’s car, admiring the evergreen scenery, while enjoying the fresh breeze and prevailing smell of freshly cut grass with a hint of sweet freesia dominating the air. It reminded her of the times she went bike riding on the trails near the lake, where she’d be surrounded by nature. “Aren’t you excited, Connie? It’s our first trip together since we were in our teens,” Lauryn mentioned, still watching the meandering dirt road before them. The trip had been planned a year earlier when Connie was still able to walk, still able to depend on herself for menial things of everyday life that had no great significance before, until it was taken away. Two years had passed since the horrific car accident that hindered her mobility and her confidence. She despised herself for being weak, for being dependent, for being vulnerable, but most of all for the accident being her fault. The doctor told her that she wouldn’t walk again but her sister said that doctors never have the last say, God does.

“Turn right when we get to that fence up there at the end of the road,” Mike, Lauryn’s husband, pointed ahead. “Yup, couldn’t be happier,” Connie nonchalantly agreed with Lauryn’s question from earlier. She and Lauryn briefly stared at one another through the rearview mirror before peeling their eyes away. “Babe, where exactly are we going?” Lauryn asked. “You’ll just have to wait and see,” Michael said with a shrug of the shoulders. Lauryn smiled while Connie rolled her eyes.

They drove for two hours, Lauryn and Michael each lost in a conversation of their own as Connie’s thoughts took up space in her mind before she ultimately dozed off. She dreamed of standing in front of a single large pear tree in a large field, vibrant in color. She wore a soft white sundress that reached her ankles. A large pink rose flower sat at the front of her cotton coils, with the stem tucked behind her ear. The knee length, shamrock green grass danced in the wind, along with the tree leaves and some thin branches to a heavenly melodic tune that she’d never heard before. Suddenly she was no longer in front of the tree but instead, she was having a hard time trudging through a muddy puddle, barefoot as heavy rain fell and thunderous clouds roared in the sky. Connie began running with no sense of direction, stopping at a cliff but still suddenly falling in darkness.

“Connie! Connie, wake up! We’re here.” Lauryn said as she shook Connie from her sleep. Connie’s focus was off, eyes heavy and vision blurred from suddenly being awakened. She blinked away the sleep while taking deep breaths to calm her fast heart rate. “Where are we?” She asked, looking through the window at several small huts, made from tree bark and straw. “We’re where I spent my summers with my grandma,” Michael answered as he positioned the wheelchair outside the car before opening the door for Connie. “I got it… I got it,” Connie argued, waving Michael’s hands away as if he was a pesky fly and not her brother in law. She struggled to climb out of the car, using only her arms and upper body strength but she managed. Connie sat content in her chair as she fancied the small space that held close to no furniture except two twin sized beds and a blue cot. The space was cozy and had a cool temperature despite the high temperature and scorching sun outside. “So this is where you basically grew up?” Connie asked with a feeling of familiarity creeping through her body. “So how did y’all cook? What did y’all do for entertainment? And who all lived here?” Connie asked in one breath, full of curiosity. “I had no idea that you were African,” Connie stated. “Half African and half caucasian,” Michael replied, smiling.

“So, myself, my grandma, and my little brother slept here. We helped around the village and ate whatever they ate. Sometimes we would eat what some of the tourists or visitors donated. For entertainment we danced, played music, not with instruments that America is accustomed to but with hand made ones. You know, we played with our imagination just like any other child would do. It’s not so bad here if you give it a chance.” Michael said, looking Connie in her eyes. “No, I don’t think it is. I’ve always wanted to come here… Just, not in a wheelchair,” She explained as she rubbed at her legs, referencing her immobility. “You know, not walking isn’t the end of the world. There’s a lot to be thankful for because there’s dead people who wish their only problem was not being able to walk. You have to have faith with no doubt,” Michael offered unwanted advice. The space grew quiet before Connie wheeled herself outside.

“He wasn’t trying to upset you or downplay your problems, he was trying to help,” Lauryn said with her arms folded as she stood beside Connie. “Let’s go for a walk or something,” Connie suggested, attempting to avoid the conversation that she knew Lauryn was trying to have. “No! Why do you always try to redirect the conversation, Connie?” Lauryn asked with emotion filling her tone. “We can talk on the way,” Connie said. “I mean really talk, Connie. I’m your sister, not your enemy and I’m tired of this distance that you’ve created between us. I’m here… I’ve always been here, Connie. Please stop pushing me away.” Lauryn spoke as tears filled her eyes. She wanted nothing more than to understand her sister.

“Well, for one, I didn’t ask for Michael’s advice. For two, why do he think that having faith will change everything. If faith could get you far, then why aren’t y’all rich, hmm? Why haven’t y’all had children already like y’all have been praying for for the longest, and why did we lose both our parents on the same day, Lauryn? Answer those questions. Help me make sense of these things since having faith and prayer is the way.” Connie spoke with bitterness spilling from her pores. “You know everything doesn’t revolve around money, and things that we ask for from God may not come when we want it to but it comes just on time. The God that we serve is an on time God. He’s loving. He’s patient. He’s forgiving. And He’s merciful. If you can let yourself stop being filled with so much hate and allow God to fill you with His holy spirit, you’ll be able to look ahead and to stop feeling sorry for yourself,” Lauryn explained the best she knew how, without yelling. “It’s my fault, Lauryn. It’s my fault that he’s dead!” Connie cried out. “What’s your fault, Connie?” Lauryn questioned, softening her tone while walking ahead to stand in front of Connie’s chair to try making sense of what her sister was saying. “The man that died on the day of the accident that left me paralyzed. This is my punishment, can’t you see that?” Connie sobbed.

Lauryn then bent to hug Connie like she’d never hugged her before, the kind of hug that makes all your problems disappear, the kind that only a mother could give. “I’m sorry I didn’t know sooner that you were beating yourself up over that man’s death. Connie, look at me. Look at me,” Lauryn demanded as she squatted in front of her, putting a hand on either side of Connie’s face. “It’s not your fault, it was an accident. His death was not your fault, please stop beating yourself up about it,” Lauryn finished with tears streaming from her eyes as well.

Michael later joined them in walking the dirt roads to simply enjoy nature. What Connie had thought she feared and what she thought she was limited at doing was proving to be the furthest from the truth. They’d encountered some of the wild life that initially scared Connie, but when she realized they weren’t threats as long as no one bothered them, she was more at ease. The thing that caught her attention the most was the sweet smell that lingered in the air. Her gaze was transfixed on the exact open field that the pear tree from her dream sat in. “What is this field?” Connie asked, stopping her chair at the beginning of the field. “It’s where we, the entire village unite as a whole. We pray to our Lord, God. Miracles have happened here,” Michael answered, staring at the field in awe.

They went back into the city that night to a hotel with two queen sized beds so that neither of them would have to sleep on a cot. Connie dreamed of attending a funeral. She sat in the pew as people viewed the body and said their condolences. Some people cried and some remained strong. The person who stood out the most was Lauryn who sobbed loudly as she said that the person who was in the casket was the last person she had left. Connie stood from the pew, with mud covering her feet as she walked to the front. She stopped in shock, gasping for air as the weight of the world came crashing down on her and the room began spinning. The person in the casket was herself. Everything around her had faded away and was replaced by darkness. A loud voice boomed in the darkness, filling every inch of space. “Come to me,”

Connie woke up sweating as tears escaped her eyes. She didn’t bother sitting up, not wanting to wake her sister, knowing that it was the wee hours of the morning and that Lauryn was a light sleeper. She laid awake, staring at nothing in particular as the hours passed by. The skies turned from dark into light and the air turned from cool into warm. Her mind kept wandering back to the open field and pear tree, back to both her dreams of the mud and herself in a casket. Before she’d known it, she was in the bathroom at the sink, washing her face and brushing her teeth. She had taken the map from the small, wooden nightstand that Michael placed it on. She then left to catch the tourist bus. She was let off at a gate that had Hieratic inscription across it on white paper. It was the exact spot that she and Lauryn were in the day before, so she’d known that she was headed in the right direction.

She sat at the beginning of the field with an intense feeling mingling her insides. She saw a handful of villagers gathered, holding hands with their heads bowed. “Is this your first time here?” A man dressed in all white asked her. “In person, yes but I dreamed of this place,” Connie honestly answered, not caring how crazy she sounded. “You dreamed of this place? How did you find it? And how did you know it was here?” He asked. “I didn’t know it was here. I dreamed about it back at home once then I dreamed about it again while I was here. I’m here with my sister and her husband. He grew up around here and showed me this place. I didn’t want to sound weird, so I haven’t told them about my dreams. It almost feels like I was led here.” Connie admitted.

“Yes, You must’ve been led here. And you say weird dreams? If you don’t mind me asking… What were your dreams about?” He asked in a thick african accent. She momentarily looked over to the side to observe the stranger she was about to share her dreams with. “I dreamed of trudging through mud puddles and standing in front of that tree,” She pointed for emphasis. She then explained the rest of the story, giving a detailed description of what happened. The tall man stood silent for a moment as he rubbed his wool beard. “The Lord has a calling on you, Miss. “He has you here for a reason. The mud you went through stands for trouble. You falling into an endless pit, stands for your faith; you’re leading a Godless life, although he has always been here for you. That tree is your new beginning,” He finished. “And how do you know these things?” She asked with discontentment. “Are you a believer, Connie?” He asked. “I’ll believe once I see what he has done. And wait a minute, how did you know my name?” She turned again to see only an empty space where he once stood.

The day had seemed off to her but she decided to just go with the flow. She wheeled herself up through the pathway in the field until she sat in front of the tree. She could hear the words "I am," blending with the wind. A preacher walked up to her and placed his hand on her head without asking and began praying. “Father God of heaven and earth. The same God of David, the same God who raised the army of bones for Ezekiel, the same God of Paul. We ask for your deliverance, for your mercy, and for your forgiveness. We ask for strength where we lack it, sight for those who cannot see, hearing for those who cannot hear. We ask for healing of this young lady in this wheelchair today, oh Lord. We ask that you not forsake us but to be with us on this turbulent road. In Mark 11 verse 23 Lord, you said whoever says to this mountain, be taken up and thrown into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart but believes what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. And I say to this mountain of paralyzation to be removed and thrown into the sea, never to return, in Jesus name. I say to the spirit of depression be thrown into the sea. Satan get ye behind us. You can’t have her, in the mighty name of Jesus. Rise from this chair right now Connie. Rise and use your legs that shall work better than they have ever worked before by the grace of God. You are healed. You shall walk again, I declare it in the mighty name of Jesus.” He said with unrelenting belief.

Connie felt an overwhelming feeling that she’d never felt through her body before. It was joy and all good things that followed. She no longer felt as if she was in bondage or being held back by her past. She felt whole all of a sudden. Without thinking she stood from the chair with the help of the pastor. “Put one foot in front of the other,” He spoke into her ear. She did as he instructed. Feeling had returned to her legs, along with some prickling. She took four steps before almost falling. The pastor caught her, telling her to take a seat while he gave her a pear that he’d gotten from the tree ahead of time.

The crowd cried out thanking God. Most lifted their hands to the sky while some fell to the ground to bow down before the Lord. Connie took one bite before getting out of her chair to bow down as the others did to show her appreciation. She wasn’t running a marathon yet, but she knew that time would come and she was thankful. She went from not having faith to having faith. Her vacation turned into a spiritual awakening, it was a path that was lit for her to follow. She knew the road wouldn’t be easy but she knew that it was worth it. “Lord, I thank you for having mercy on me and guiding me on this journey, I am nothing without you. I will forever praise you, oh Lord. I give you all the glory, all the honor, and all the praise, in Jesus' holy name. Amen.