Orchid Birch

Blood dripped from her teeth and bits of flesh dangled from her fingertips as she rose from her crouched position over the lifeless body she’d been feasting on. Three more gathered, their teeth bared, the hair on their necks raised “Orchid Birch, we have a warrant for your arrest for crimes against humanity.”

She snorted like a wild mare “Humanity? That’s cute.” She plunged her fist into the cavity of the corpse at her feet, pulled out the heart, and took a bite “I kill a few dudes and plant a couple flowers,” she paused to chew, blood dribbling down her chin “and it’s crimes against humanity!” She danced in mock outrage. “You assholes descend upon our lands, kill every living thing - man, woman, child, bear, tree...shoooot, y’all tried to kill the wind. No food to eat, no water to drink. We died by the millions.” She swallowed the bit of heart and grinned “And I’m the criminal?”

“Orchid Birch” The man in the middle bellowed “The MEN” he emphasized the word, “you killed were high ranking officials restoring order.” Orchid snorted. “And those flowers you planted are meat-eating murderous Orchids.”

Orchid shrugged “Those high ranking officials wooed, married, and killed my sister for her seeds. They buddied up to entire communities, just to poison them. They ‘forgot,’” heavy air quotes “the emergency broadcast system was a thing and millions perished in the Gihanna fire of 2025.” She took another bite of the heart and chewed thoughtfully. “You say ‘restore order’” more air quotes, Orchid loved air quotes “but I’m curious what that means to you?” She chewed and then shouted “RHETORICAL. I know what it means. Profits over people 1000% of the time.” She swallowed and grinned “My flowers restore order. Don’t be a dick to the forest and they won’t crave your flesh. Pretty fuckin simple, really.” Her mouth twitched in a devilish smirk “So which of you wanna die first?”

“Orchid Birch” The three bellowed in unison “You will not kill us today.” Orchid tilted her head as her eyes narrowed. “We understand why you are the way you are and we want to help you.”

Orchid hated these three with a fiery passion that burned like no other, she desperately wanted to dance in their blood. The Washee. The “all knowing eyes in the sky.” Orchid even put air quotes around the unspoken thought. Supposedly they held ancient magic, but Orchid knew better. She, herself, being a holder of ancient magic saw the Washee for what they were, puppets of the Barons. The Barons were leftovers from the old ways, the burn baby burn hellscape that left the Earth scorched, dehydrated, and dying. They bought up the world, sold it, and still controlled it. They were served by their minion militia and worshipped by “princes.” Princes were of ambitious nature and born to certain lineage, their sole purpose was to impress the Barons and, maybe, just maybe, become a Baron themselves. This never actually happened though.

“Is that so?” Orchid smirked. “Well, darlings, don’t hold out now. Do tell.” Her nose crinkled as the wind kicked up dust around them.

“It’s really quite simple.” The middle, and tallest, Washee barked, the condescending tones dripping off the words. “Orchid Birch. You have been found guilty of your crimes.” Orchid rolled her annoyed eyes. “and have been sentenced to four consecutive life sentences of marriage to a prince of our choosing.” Orchid threw her head back in laughter that hit like thunder. The Washee stumbled “That’s enough! It has been decided that Orchid, you are feral and need to be domesticated. A good prince will straighten you out and soon you will join us. You will accept your re-wiring, serve your prince, and kill only your flowers.”

Orchid’s laugh faded, but her blood stained smile remained. “That’s fucking grrrrrreat.” She drew out the last word as the sky started to darken. The Washee became visibly uncomfortable. “Fuckin wonderful,” Orchid whispered as fat angry rain drops began to fall “I don’t accept,” she smirked “And you should get out of the rain. Like my flowers, my rain doesn’t care much for water haters.” The Washee opened their mouths to say something as the rain hit their robes, sizzling through the fabric. “Go on now, get. Tell your prince, if he wants to be my lunch I’m always hungry. Otherwise, stay away.” The Washee began to say something else as they faded away, but Orchid couldn’t hear them over the rage filled rain, maybe something about a locket in the shape of a heart? She didn’t care. She looked down at the Baron minion at her feet and kicked him before planting flowers in his spleen.

Orchid found herself thinking about this prince the Washee had sentenced her to. How would she like to kill him? Was he a bleeder? Would his heart taste better Sage or Cedar smoked? It wasn’t that she was obsessed with this prince, he had been following her for days. He thought he was stealth and sneaky, he was not. The Washee gave him a cloaking powder to shield his scent from the wind and a heart shaped locket filled with Little Lady Lotion on a magic, unbreakable chain. His mission was to lasso the wench, once the magic chain wrapped around her neck she would be pliable to his charm. He would charm her as the locket released the lotion, domesticating the feral banshee.

“Oh what a hero I will be,” the prince whispered to himself, giddy and arrogant “Not that I need the chain for her to fall for my charm” he chuckled as he ran his fingers through his thick blonde hair. He felt a tickle on his ankle and looked down. One of Orchids' flesh crazed flowers had extended it’s spindly vine towards the prince. “You little shit, I killed your ancestors, I’ll kill you!” he boasted and set the patch ablaze.

That was Orchid’s first clue she was being followed. “Pro tip,” she muttered “When trying to be stealth, don’t start a large fire.” She rolled her eyes “This guy, really?” His cloaking powder was useless. Not only was Washee “magic” weak, all of the natural world spoke to Orchid and they all told her “Some clumsy, pompous doofus is following you.”

Orchid put up with three days of being stalked by her punishment. She let him watch her torture and maim Baron minions, planting her flowers in their carcasses. She squealed with joy when she caught a glimpse of his terrorized face after she ripped the throat of a particularly nasty Baron and fed him to the flowers. But, it was getting old, scared men who think they’re somebody get boring quickly.

“Why don’t you come out and we can get this over with” Orchid called out, the annoyance choking every syllable. She was stirring a fire and gnawing at the leg of last night’s kill. “I know you’re there. I know you’ve been there. You’re clumsy, loud, and you set fires. Big smoke isn’t exactly sneaky. Come on now, let’s get this over with.” She drummed her fingers on the Earth who trembled at her caress.

“Do you, Orchid Birch, accept your punishment willingly?” an oddly over-confident voice called back from behind the tree line.

“The fuck…” Orchid murmured “That’d be a big NO, buddy. You must be confused. You’re gonna die and be my lunch. Why else would you be here? Or did the Washee not tell you my conditions?” She smirked and shook her head.

“I’m aware of your conditions. But, my dear, you have not met me. I’m what they call a Big Deal. Kind of a hero.” He let out a big chuckle and a loud breath “Yeahhh I’ve fallen giants, crushed serpents, and basically, you know, saved the day. Once I tie you down, they’re gonna make me a Baron! Hey! That’d make you a Baroness. I mean, kinda….more or less my possession, but hey that’s how these things work.”

Orchid drummed her fingers harder and the Earth began to shake. “Fascinating” she vomited on the word. “So, about lunch….I’m getting real hungry over here.” She looked up to the sky, blood red clouds began to gather, “and so are they.” The prince heard growling. He turned and found himself eye to eye with three massive wolves. Lips pulled back, teeth glowing in the red sky, and blood dripping from their muzzles. “You should really come out,” Orchid hollered.

The prince felt trapped. He may have exaggerated his hero status a bit. The only giants he fell were trees, the only serpents were farmed fish, and the only day he saved was his own. He would be made a Baron, however, if he could finish this mission. “Alright, here I come!” He pounced out of the trees, casting something from his hands as he did. The locket and chain flew towards Orchid’s throat, wrapping around her neck and clenching tight.

Orchid grabbed the chain around her neck. “I got you feral wench!” The Prince yanked the chain “I’m going to be a hero! Well, more than I already am, of course” He flipped his hair and moved towards Orchid. “Oh my dear, I know you can’t resist me now. Look how LUCKY you are to have been sentenced to me! What a catch I am!” He flexed and kissed his bicep.

Orchid stopped struggling as her face crinkled in utter confusion, “this was his charm?” she thought. She peered at him as he carried on, strutting around, posing next to her like a big game hunter with his kill. “And you, miss, you have to do whatever I want and say like a good little lady. And like a good little lady, you’ll even like it. Ohhhhh the things I’m gonna make you do.” He whispered sinisterly “After all the men you’ve killed. You’ll pay, yes you will.”

Orchid smirked “You know I have to kill you, right?” she raised her eyebrows “Because, I’m not doing ANY of that.”

The prince smirked in arrogance as he yanked on the chain “You don’t have a choice” slime encapsulated each word.

“Oh really? Why? Because of this?” Orchid ran her fingers on the chain “This Washee magic?” her head flew back as laughter escaped. The scarlet clouds thundered, unleashing acid rain.

The prince stammered and peed himself a little “It’s...it’s..You’re supposed to not be able to resist me!” he squeaked. “It’s...it’s unbreakable” he whispered.

“Oh?” her eyes were fire, her face hot coals, and blood stained lips whispered “Is that so?” She rose off the ground as the wolves came to her side. “And this?” She held up the locket

“Little Lady Lotion, to remind you your purpose is to serve...” he looked up at her, eyes icy pools of terrorized slush.

Orchid bellowed out a laugh from deep in her soul. The carnivorous flowers chattered in chuckles as the acid rain began scorching the prince’s flesh. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” She yanked the chain off her neck “So much for 'unbreakable’” she air-quoted “Washee magic has no place or power here.” She walked slowly towards the prince as he cowered in his urine. “But, maybe I won’t kill you today. I think you could be useful.” Orchid wrapped the chain around the prince, it tightened around his trembling frame. She opened the locket as she smiled wickedly “A shoddy Baron you would make, but a fun little toy for Orchid Birch? Why, my prince, your purpose is to serve.” She ran a finger across his lips, opening them as she dumped the lotion in his mouth, holding it shut. “Shhh you’re mine now. You belong to the flowers. How LUCKY you are.”